help coping with this situation
Good evening, Everyone,
I posted back in December about my stepson's biological mother coming to his school Christmas party. But there is nothing unusual about this. The thing is that she abandoned the boy 4 years ago because she did not want to take care of him.She calls and visits whenever it is convenient for her, does not pay anything for him. She basically does not do anything for him other than treating him like a baby and parenting out of guilt( whenever she decides to be a parent which is very rarely). The boy is 6 years old now and lives with my husband and I full time. We take care of him and pay for everything. When my husband is out of town with his work or army assignments( it happens like every 2-3 months), the responsibility of raising my stepson is mine. I take care of everything. My-in-laws help me,of course, but they are in their late 60s and don't have that much energy.
Anyway...there will be an event at my stepson's school in 2 weeks and his biological mother decided to attend the event and play the "mommy" role again.It is very important to her how other people perceive how good of a mother she is.
It is weird, but I feel that she is an intruder in my stepson's life and not a good influence over him.
How do I deal with this situation?
I don't want to sound irrational, but I feel that she does not have anything to do in the boy's life.
Any input, good or bad, will be appreciated.
Thank you.
I think it is natural to feel
I think it is natural to feel irritated towards this type of person. They only play Mommy when it suits them, or, out of guilt. Just like you said. SD's BM is the same.
There is not anything you can do about the situation. In truth, you know your SS loves his mom and will enjoy her being there. If she is in his life as rarely as you say, you don't have much to lose or really worry about. Just be irritated and move on with it. How often does she come around exactly?
Not very often.3-4 months.She
Not very often.3-4 months.She calls every now and then to talk to him. Rarely when he is with her, she does not bath him,can't discipline him( she calls my husband so he can deal with the child when he misbehaves), spoils him extremely. But she loves to parade with him like she has a major role in his life.
I don't know. I just feel irritated and maybe I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
No, you have every right to
No, you have every right to feel irritated and even angry. I often do. I just know that there is nothing that I can do to change the situation. She is who she is. SD loves her. And chances are, she will remain her flakey, out of the picture self forever. What the real worry is...when will these women decide they want to take some kind of custody? Ours is trying..from jail. She never had an interest until we petitioned her for child support a couple of years ago. And that's when she got HALF custody. From zero to half. We knew it wouldn't last though. She was her typical self. BM's mom took care of SD on her week and BM ended up in jail and, of course, SD is back with us again. I think that women can do almost anything and the courts will side with them and want them to be major roles in their kid's lives. Sad but true. Enjoy the time you have while BM is NOT actively trying to do anything with custody.
I think he is better off
I think he is better off without her messing him up emotionally every time she plays the mommy role. And it is not like she robs me the privilege from me. After all ,he lives with me and I am active in his life. He goes to the same school I teach and his teachers see me everyday. Of course, my husband is active too, but he does not care at all that she wants to come and play the mommy part in public.
I feel that she pretends being his mother when she is not.I mean she gave birth to him, but that it is. And the fact that she is so fake drives me crazy.
This is a good point. I am
This is a good point. I am interested to hear about how the custody situation came to be.
I agree with you sue, on a
I agree with you sue, on a lot of what you said, all of you really.
But at what point does letting a parent get a fix, or "scratch" an itch when she feels like it, cause more damage than good? I'm all for setting up clear boundaries with people. If she wants to be a part of this child's life, she needs to be more involved than every 3 or 4 months, or she just needs to go away. Sure, a 6 year old may love seeing her 3 times a year now, but what happens when the SS gets older, and start developing anger and emotional and problems because this woman just pops in when she feels like?
It needs to made clear, that she come once a month, even to a park or something. Or more often, or every other month. Or tell her not to come. If I understood you, u said you have adopted SS?
If that's the case, you can very well put your foot down and demand she step up or step out. Parenting is not a convience, at least good parenting. I'm sorry she gave him up, but that was her choice, and its HER problem to live with.
I don't think the solution in
I don't think the solution in this case is for the boy's parents to be together. They were once together , but she was busy make false allegations about so-called physical abuse from the boy;s father. She filled protective orders to get her revenge over my husband not marrying and taking acre of her financially. My husband lost 2 jobs because of all the turmoil she created. Of course, he got himself into this mess. But still...
And I know for the little boy it is all exciting to be with her because she acts like a candy parent. But when it came to deal with the real challenges of raising a child, she walked away. And when the boy is growing beautifully and is educated, she comes back and...oops...I am his mommy.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your input.
She gave up custody when the child was 2 years old. I met my husband when he was in a nasty custody battle with her.After the child was born, they lived together without being married. The entire time, she refused to find work, care for the child, was arguing with the boy's father all the time, made false physical abuse allegations.In the end, he asked her to live, she did , but took the child with her and disappeared for almost a year. My husband filed for custody, but she managed to manipulate the system by saying that she can't appear in court because she fears for her life. Sick mind...My husband gave up his pursue of custody after spending close to $8000 lawyers in 6 months. A year later, she decided that she can't take care of the child anymore and gave custody to the child's father, my husband. I was with my husband through all this ordeal.
Nobody asked me to assume the mother role in my stepson's life. I did it because I wanted to. And my husband appreciates it very much.He thanks me and makes sure the boy respects me. My stepson loves me and I do that. Well, there are good and bad moments. Like in any other family.
And I know she is the boy's mother because she gave birth to him. And I guess it is a good thing that she decided to give the boy to his dad. But that is all.
She does not do it to annoy me, like Sue said. She does it to alleviate her guilt feelings over abandoning her child.And she wants to show people that she is a mommy. Well, that is cool and dandy. But what about all the work we are doing in raising this child? It is convenient for her to show up every now and then and be the mother. And the child is all confused and we have to deal with it after she lives.
Yes, that is her choice and she has to live with it. But in the mean time...she does play the mommy role whenever it suits well with her image.
I am annoyed and irritated
I am annoyed and irritated when I see how excited my stepson gets whenever she decides to pop in his life. I hope he realizes as he grows older what a piece of crap his biological mother is.
And maybe I should not give a damn about what she does, but it bothers me and can't help it. I have to do a better job with my feeling this way.
Oh he will know and likely
Oh he will know and likely have little or no relationship with her. Trust me. BTDT. My oldest SS 19 does not even speak to his BM, take her calls, or accept her friend request on Facebook. He wants NOTHING to do with her. I don't think he has even spoken to her in years.
The impression that I got
The impression that I got from the OP, is that silver is sick of this woman disappearing for months at a time, and then coming to public functions and showing out like she did this. All she did was give birth.
And yes, there are many posts about crappy moms and crazy kids here, but this one is being allowed to be a mom when she feels like it, and no one is trying to improve the situation. And as a SM, it is very frustrating. And yes, tying ms convience down, will prob make her put up or shut up.
It's really an issue where u and DH need to sit down and decide what is reasonable, and was is not. It's not fair to anyone, esp the child, that she keep being allowed to fade in and out as she pleases. Does she have visitation, or did she give up her rights completely? Is she paying support? To me, that would send me thru the roof if she was in and out, playing super mom, and nor providing even 5 bucks a week. And yeah, I think birth mother needs to be put in her place, and accept that she choose not to raise this child, and a consequence of that, is not showing up at the school acting like she didn't. The child knows she isn't there. He knows who takes care of him.
This is exactly how I feel. I
This is exactly how I feel. I could have not said it better. She disappears months and months and shows up at a certain point and plays the mommy role.
She gave up her custody rights and after a while she decided to come back and do this...parent whenever she wants.She does not pay any money.My husband does not want to stir any more conflict with her because he had his share. If I try to put her in her place, she will cause a scandal because she has a big mouth and is good only for that.
Like I said earlier I hope that the child knows who cares about him and who does not.
But she thinks she is the only woman who gave birth in this world. Pathetic!
Keeping Mommy Dearest away
Keeping Mommy Dearest away would only have repercussions later in the kids life when he found out. It's not possible, or right, anyway. Let the kid figure it out himself as he eventually will. Meanwhile stay on the high road.
You can end your irritation by simply not being irritated. Really it isn't worth the effort. Just "Oh well" when she shows up and let her do her thing. The boy will know who is the mother and who is Mommy in good time.
Thank you, Cheri and Orange
Thank you, Cheri and Orange for your words.
You are right. I will try to just ignore and not even think about it. It is not worth my energy and my neurons.
After all, she made the decision of giving him away and will have to live with it for the rest of her life. I think it is her loss. And yes, she will not fool anybody, but herself.
And even when the boy grows older and wants to live with her, he will not be happy there because he is accustomed with a certain environment. She will not be able to handle him.
Thank you, Cheri. Your words
Thank you, Cheri. Your words made me feel better.
I will say that with practice
I will say that with practice you can stop being irritated. Though, in my case, if I see her in person I cannot control the anger that I feel. I don't act on it, but it can stress me out a LOT for the rest of the day!
The same happens to me,
The same happens to me, LittlePanda. I get all worked up and angry. The last time she came to see my stepson, I did not even look at her. I just said hello and that was all. I think she noticed my attitude. But I don't care.
I did not like her since the moment I saw her.I know how fake she is and it is beyond my understanding how she can't realize how ridiculous she is.
The only person she is lying
The only person she is lying to is herself. Doing stuff like this helps her sleep at night and eases her guilty conscience. Your SS gets excited because he is 6, that is to be expected. I feel so bad for children abandoned by their mothers. Those are some seriously vile women.
Exactly, SanAntonio...she
Exactly, SanAntonio...she does all these in order to ease her conscience and apply some make-up on her already damaged image as a mother.
I will try to keep calm and educated myself not to pay anymore attention.
It is her problem and luckily for us my stepson is a very good kid with a solid self-esteem taking into account what he has to go through.
Now...if his biological mother tries to tell him lies as to why he does not live with her or spend more time with him, I am going to tell him the truth. No sugarcoating...of course, I am going to say it in a gentle way. But he needs to know the real picture and then judge for himself.
He already said that his mother gives daddy money so daddy can pay for his toys, clothes and other incidentals. I told him that is not true. And that we, my husband and I, pay for everything for him. Point blank.