HELP! I keep getting my tush handed to me! Don't know why....
Sorry to blog hog today. Today DH called me from work to scold me. He says that "I am not helping the situation." I don't even know what the "situation" is? DH said SD is scared of me and that she will do something wrong and I will yell at her... in 5 years, I have NEVER scolded, yelled at or corrected her for anything. So I said - "well, I am not usually around her so I don't know why she would be scared of me? I think this is validation for making myself scarce and letting you two enjoy each others company" He said "No, not helping the situation." Huh? Then he proceeds to tell me that she does eat fish! I said I was glad to hear that, what a great way to get protein. He proceeds to tell me that I should cook for them and he would get a list of what she will eat from her and I can make that for her. My response was "So you think I should be a short order cook for a 16 year old? No, I'm not going to do that. She can always get exactly what she wants when you take her to a restaurant. That would be nice for both of you to spend low stress meal times together" Again he says "YOU are not HELPING." I asked him exactly what it was that is the "situation" that I should be "helping" with? He informed me that SD is uncomfortable and feels unwelcome in our home. I should be working harder to make her feel welcome. So backstory here : I at one time bent over backwards to have the right food in the house, the plans made, blah, blah, blah. I was treated like shit and my own kids started to resent me. I told DH "I cannot MAKE someone feel any certain way, nor should I be charged with doing so. She is your child that is YOUR job." He got mad and hung up on me then promptly sent me a text that said "Ok- Let's just keep things the way they are - I will do my best to keep her away from you" Seems a little passive-aggressive to me but whatever. I said "Ok." Does anyone get what he is wanting from me? I don't get it. When my kids and I were engaged and trying to build a relationship with her she was "uncomfortable" and he was not a supportive partner. Now we back off and honor their time together and again, I get my ass kicked. WTF?
I had planned on getting DH and SD tickets to an amusement park with an overnight stay for Father's Day now I wonder if this would be viewed as treason? Any ideas?
Is your husband or SD your
Is your husband or SD your father? No. Then you don't get them fathers day gifts. Sorted.
Eh, he's being an ass, just
Eh, he's being an ass, just keep doing what you are doing.
Apparently, it's easier for him to tell you that you are the problem instead of correcting his daughter's behavior. What did he ever do about her treating you like crap? Nothing, I'll bet.
"Ok- Let's just keep things the way they are - I will do my best to keep her away from you" Seems a little passive-aggressive to me but whatever. I said "Ok."
Yes, that was passive-aggressive and you gave him the right response, although not the one he wanted. He wanted you to backpedal, "Oh no, that's not what I want at all, I'm sorry," blah, blah, blah.
My DH cooked for his daughter, mostly because he has always done most of the cooking, but he would never in a million years tell me he'll get a list of what I should cook! At 16, your SD can cook for herself if she does not want to eat anything you cook.
Ah, the "uncomfortable" and "unwelcome". I got that occasionally. I just told my DH that I cannot help how SD feels (who has always been timid, anyway). I bought a 3 bedroom house so she could have a room and it was the first room I decorated. I don't think that I sent the message, "Get out, Bitch."
I acted normal in my home. I treated her normal. Not good enough? Too bad.
At 16 she should be cooing
At 16 she should be cooing for the family once a month, if not once a week.
Seriously - 16? And she
Seriously - 16? And she can't cook for herself once in a while? I hate this. Why should you get maligned for not doing what DH himself SHOULD be doing! He's Daddy. Let him cook. As far as I see it, she's not your responsibility. You're not a Mom. You can cook for her if you want, but it's not your responsibility. These bios don't understand that when met with ungrateful behavior, it's hard to want to stick your neck out there. Eventually you learn, it's not worth the effort. What are the returns? If the returns are zero, than zero should be entered into the equation.
I totally feel you though. My DH throws the EXACT SAME BS my way too. It always seems to happen at the oddest times though - like just after I thought we had a great weekend all together. Then some drama pops up from SD to ruin it all. So after enough of those scenarios I just gave up and disengaged totally.
I love your plan of the tickets. I would give them to them anyway, just so you can have some quiet time and peace.
Yes! I should make him cook
Yes! I should make him cook for me! If only he could cook
Oh no. No no no, on every
Oh no. No no no, on every level. HELL no.
Were I in your shoes, I would text (or yell) this:
I'm not helping the situation? How about THIS for a situation, buddy? I am your WIFE and I am not happy or comfortable in my own home. Everything I do, according to you, is wrong. So what are you going to do to help THAT situation? You know what? You're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. QUIT BEING PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
*click*
I love this. Thank you!
I love this. Thank you! Perfection.
Damn straight.
Damn straight.
^^^THIS 100%^^^
^^^THIS 100%^^^
GO AllySkoo!! ^^^^^ THIS
GO AllySkoo!! ^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^^^
Wow. Thank you. Thank you,
Wow. Thank you. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I feel like a weight was just taken off my shoulders. My SD has so many issues. She is 16, and emotionally seems more like a 10 year old. She is way stunted emotionally. My 11 year old seems more mature, in fact my YDD doesn't want to hang out with her because she is too "babyish" according to YDD. My 18 year old says she feels more like a babysitter around her. And all three of us feel like DH is some edgy bodyguard around her so we all stay away. This poor kid doesn't even have girlfriends to hang out with or talk to. When she isn't with us she is usually with BM or alone. BM has done her best to keep her a little girl with umbilical cord in tact and made sure SD never felt a moment of discomfort about anything - food, social situations, etc. Ok, I am venting a little now.
I have a problem understanding what the heck my husband is trying to solve for. I know he sees my kids and how they are and he knows there is something wrong with his. I feel like he wants SD to send time with my DD's and hope something rubs off but my DD's are burned out on her.I also don't want them to have this unsaid responsibility. I feel like DH wants me to influence her somehow but then treats me like I am a villain. I've asked him before why, if I am such a freaking villain would he want me around SD? He also seems to want me and my girls to be a buffer between him and SD. He and SD have been distant since she was born (by BMs design) so I don't think he know what to do with her. I just wish he could articulate what exactly he is trying to solve for and why it is my problem.
Ahhh - vent done
You are still taking too much
You are still taking too much responsibility here. It isn't your problem to understand what your DH is trying to "solve." Because it isn't your problem at all!
You sound like you might be a bit codependent. Read up on that. You cannot force people to feel any way. That is on THEM. Not on YOU.
OP- google enmeshment It may
OP- google enmeshment
It may provide some speaking points to open a discussion with your dH
"YOU are not HELPING." I'd
"YOU are not HELPING."
I'd smile at him saying, "Thank you so much for taking letting me off the hook, I'm GLAD you don't want me HELPING!!!"
Reverse psychology.
i read this and see myself in
i read this and see myself in this post...although we each have different stories the mess we are dealing with is the exact same...we will mentally drain ourselves trying to see the other perspective. I know because I just turned to posting on here as of today after two weeks of uneasy sleep due to situations so very similar to yours. Only difference is I have a 2 yr old son with my bf, no previous kids except for his 16 yr old daughter who won't get off her high horse.
As for the food issue....last
As for the food issue....last night this happened to me, DH says "why do I always have to make something for SS9. I ALWAYS have to do it." Um, YEP. I make my 2 DDs and SD supper because they all eat the same thing, no issues. SS9 lives on french fries, chips, mac & cheese or mashed potato. I'm not a chef or a maid, if he needs something different YOU deal with it DH, you and BM created it by letting him run you, so DEAL with it!
I didn't say anything at all, ignored it. My DD13 though did say, "because he doesn't eat anything" LOL!
Not to mention SS9 actually uses it as an attention thing....dad get me this, dad cook me that, dad what can I have for a snack, dad, dad, dad, dad......... just so my DH isn't talking to me or on the phone or talking to one of the girls......