Help needed. I don't understand him.
I need help either rewording my feelings to make my DH understand or help seeing his side. We have come to a spot where we just can't agree. The situation with SD11 is not good. She doesn't like me, in fact actively hates me. I've said to him that she doesn't have to like me that all I expect is respect in my home. That I don't need her to love me. He is very hurt by that. Says that speaks to how I really feel about her.
I argue that no, I want her to like me but I don't need it. That possibly if he were to talk to her and explain to her that it's ok that she feels the way she does might actually take the edge off her anger. you know, validate her feelings. Help her find a better way to deal with them. I've told him you can't force someone to like, much less love another person. She is entitled to her feelings. She is not however entitled to create constant conflict in our home.
What am I missing here? Am I wrong to think that? I tend to be a realist and he is a hopeless romantic but really, his child is obviously hurting. I want to help make it better, he thinks it would give her an out, permission to not like me.
You are 100% correct on all
You are 100% correct on all counts. Guilt Parenting and PAS. I have to give him credit though, he is coming around. He is open to changing and does actually try. THanks for the links !
I think you're spot on. I
I think you're spot on. I had a similar situation when I first moved in with BF and SD9. There was one time when I said that I don't love her yet but that's okay and he was SO wounded by it that I was actually surprised. I told him I didn't love him right away so why would he expect that I love her right away? I think he hadn't thought of it that way before and it ended up being fine. It sounds like DH is very overprotective of SD. Maybe you could say to him that if he's hurt by you not needing her to love you, why isn't he hurt by SD NOT loving you? You have to be a realist in this situation and understanding that things are the way they are is the healthy way to go. I'm not sure why he thinks you need to go our of your way and kiss her butt instead of dealing with things how they are. It's perfectly ok that she doesn't like you but she DOES need to respect you in your home. Why is everything being put on you? I think you're being very real, reasonable and logical and for some reason he can't do that. She doesn't need permission to not like you, she already doesn't so his not dealing with it will only make it worse.
thanks so much ! I think
thanks so much ! I think you have pointed out some good ways to try to get him to see my point. I'll give that a try. He really is open to things, just has complete tunnel vision on this issue.
And the idea that this is all on me is starting to cause stress in our relationship. That is the one thing that wakes him up. He truely wants to do everything he can to make us work. I think he's at a crossroads, he can see what he needs to do but is having a hard time making the change.
plus he likes to blame BM for all SD's behavior. As a child I agree she is a product of her parenting but he's a parent too.
This step stuff is a struggle.
You're not kidding! My BF
You're not kidding! My BF also likes to blame BM but most of the time he's right. It's interesting to see the change in SD9's behavior after the weeks that she's spent with her mother (we do one week on, one week off with a dinner night in between). Talk about attitude! We then have to spend much of our week to get her to lose the 'tude. haha! I think all guilty daddys, regardless of whether they need to feel guilty or not always have tunnel vision when it comes to their kids. I guess I'll understand that when I have my own but it's just irritating now. At least you've got one that's open minded and willing to work together. That's half the battle right there!
OMG! I can sympathize with
OMG! I can sympathize with you! My dh was/is the same way! He too has "seen the light" and is now working hard to rectify things. I disengaged to make him understand. Now he wants me to undisengage, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. That is another story that I'm about to write on though....LOL stay tuned!...LOL
You are absolutely right.
You are absolutely right. She doesn't have to love you. She is hurting and blames you. I think DH, SD and you should get therapy. It would go a long way to helping you guys all come to an understanding.