here we go again...
We have a list of rules on our fridge, we have been enforcing them strictly all week, things like no hitting, no yelling, no whining, you get the idea. It seems as though they only apply to my kids though and not my SD. We just got a new kitten and I took him to the vet to get him declawed and neutered. Anyway, I picked him up last night and when I got home I told all three kids that the kitten has to be kept quiet, he shouldn't be jumping and running and to leave him alone so he can rest. Before going to bed I went in the girls room to cover up my 3 year old (she always kicks the blankets off and it is so cold!!) I saw the kitten on the upper bunk bed. My sd had taken him into the top bunk after her dad asked her not to last weekend and 5 hours after I had said that he can't be jumping and running around. I got him down and went to tell my bf that the kitten was on the top bunk. If he had fallen or jumped from there he would most likely have opened his stiches and I would have had to make an emergency trip to the vet. I said to my bf you have to do something, she never listens. He said why, the kitten wouldn't have died or anything. So that's it, he thinks nothing should be done. I said how come you can send my kids to their room but she has no rules when she's here? He even told me that he feels guilty and can't punish her because she is only there 8 days/month. Needless to say we had a huge fight and he agreed to take away her gameboy and mp3 player for 2 hours. I told him that I've been on this site and it seems that there are alot of dad's like him out there. What can I do? I've told him that his job is not to be her friend but to raise her to be a good adult and he looks at me like I'm crazy. Oh just for another example she constantly dumps my shampoo, conditioner and soap down the drain, I told her you only need a little and don't waste it (it's expensive). Anyway, my boyfriend says that I should remove my stuff from the bathroom so that she can't ruin my makeup and soap, etc.. I say it's my bathroom and no I'm not carrying my things back and forth to the bedroom, she's 8 years old, she understands what she's doing and she should be punished for that also. I am so frusterated.
I can relate
My 11 yr old SD has, up until about the last 6-8 months been great, no major problems. Well, now she is thinking that on her bi-weekend visits, she is on a "vacation" if you will and should get special priviledges. She seems to feel that she does not have to follow rules, help with chores, the usual household stuff, just because she does not "live" here all the time. I got upset a couple visits ago when I overheard her and our 4yr old daughter talking about watching a DVD movie. Our 4yo was suggesting different movies to watch, and then SD says, "I should get to watch whatever I want when I want, I only am here every other week you know". I then explained to her that it doesn't matter that she isn't here 24/7. It matters that they cooperate and share. Anyway, she has not spoken like that since, hopefully it helped for me to speak up.
One other thing I have noticed is that the SD is really a lot more rude and bossy to our 4yo daughter than to our 3yo son. Things like: my daughter wakes up, says a cheerful "good morning" to SD, and SD replies with a rude or grouchy "what?!" or doesn't reply at all. This is just one example of unwarranted rude behavior, could tell many more. Her tone with our daughter is just always more negative than with our son. I have talked to her and DH has talked to her about it, but it continues to be a problem. I am not sure why she does it, maybe somone out there has some ideas?
I know her behavior will be more challenging as she goes into her tweens/teens. She also has started to really show behavior that parrots her mother (background info in my site account).
So far, my DH has been supportive of how I handle these situations and agrees that she needs to follow the rules of the house. He does also let her know when she is getting out of line when she starts talking of her "priviledged" visits. Although he could do a lot more in the area of discipline, he still could be a bit more stern. I know he feels guilty about discipline with her because she is NOT living with us. But I feel that by being less strict with her compared to our own children, it is conveying the message that it is ok for her to act out like she does.
Good luck with your situation....I am here to listen, would be glad to help!
Dealing with unruly step children
Well, I don't know if this is the "right" thing to do or not, but it sure works for me...
I have two stepsons, one is 9 and lives with us, trying, but basically he is mine, so I don't count him as a step. HOWEVER, he also has a 12 yo who sounds similar to what you two are dealing with. His mother doesn't let him come over very often, so when he does, DH lets him do anything he wants. My response is to clean. If I am stuck home, (I try to be "busy" with the other kids) I clean and clean and clean. It is amazing how much that can annoy other people. If this 12 year old is going to sit and play rated M video games (which are not allowed otherwise) I run the vacume cleaner around him until he gives a huff and storms out. If DH were to say anything, I would innocently say, "Hon, I am just trying to clean up, you know how messy our house usually is, do you want him to tell his mother that?" Deal sealed. I also cook. Normally, I detest both chores, but I find it enjoyable when I know he will go home to his nightmare BM and say , "Yeah, all she does is cook and clean" LOL. This child is on a steady McDonald's diet, so he hates everything I make, too. Knowing this my answer is prepared for DH, "He needs some good, healthy food, hon. I am worried about him eating all that crap." Except one time when I was too tired for all of this. On that occasion, I bought a 12 pack of soda and chips, fritos, all that crap and let him GORGE himself on it. He thought I was the best. Guess he went home and puked. BM didn't let him come over again for SIX moths!! Hell, I shoulda bought that crap along time ago.
Its awful how a mean BM can get you thinking this way. I am somewhat ashamed of myself, EXCEPT that my bs don't like it when he comes over, either, because all he does is repeat what his mother says about me. UGH. Punish me some more, lady. Keep him at home. I can take it.