not sure why I'm still here
I'm not sure why I stay day after day. I think my bf will probably read this and I hope he does. I feel very angry and bitter and this is the best place to vent my feelings.
*I am sick and tired of BM getting money for SD and using it to go to the gym or buy junk food. She never buys clothes for SD, I used to but not anymore. My BF doesn't have enough money to pay his own bills so it then comes from my pay that I work hard for. Then it goes to the fat,lazy BM who collects welfare so she can stay fat and lazy.
*My bf has never said that I'm doing a good job with my kids and juggling a full time job and having time to do fun stuff with them, I always have enough money to get them nice clothing and shoes that fit.
*I am sick and tired of cleaning up after my SD (she's 8 yrs old) she leaves stuff in the yard, on the floors, just anywhere she feels like putting something down.
*SD pees her pants constantly and I'm tired of having to wash them, the smell makes me nauseaous.
*I am sick and tired of being the only one that cares if I have a relatively clean house. I scrub floors, vaccum, do all the laundry, 90% of the cooking and dishes and clean up the kids rooms.
*I am sick of the way that we can't do anything without the SD. Why can't we do something fun with my kids when she's with BM? My kids need to do some fun things with bf alone but that would upset the BM.
*I'm sick and tired of the way my bf always falls for her stupid guilt trips. She tries to pile on the guilt about me and my kids living here and how SD feels there's no place for her anymore. That is not my fault her mom and dad decided to live in separate houses, actually, they never did live together.
*I'm really angry that my bf is so worried about BM and SD and what they think that he won't even consider having a baby after we get married. Whenever we talk about her he says "oh, BM wont't like that idea" So what, you aren't with her anymore. GRRRRR, he doesn't get it but he will when I'm packing up my boxes to move out.
*Nothing to do with BM or SD but I hate how my bf whines when he doesn't get his way, he won't talk to me and holds out on sex.
It feels good to vent but I think that even if he does read this, nothing will change.
Good question...........
If you stay with this guy, you will end up being miserable and no doubt, another one of his ex-wives. It sounds like your bf cares more about the bm's feelings than yours, especially regarding a baby of our own. My bf has proved over and over again to BM and the world that we are a united front. I am his number one now.
Your guy should do the same. Get rid of him, now!!!
good question Fearless
Why do I stay? I stay because I don't want my kids to have anymore changes in their lives. I stay because I do love my bf and hope it will get better with time. I stay because I don't want to look like an idiot. I had no idea what I was getting into. How could I have possibly thought this would not be pure hell to try and integrate him into my famiy? My bf also has an addiction to marijuana and how could I have possibly not noticed how much he smoked? I thought it was an occasional puff here and there, not an everyday addiction. I saw how clean his house was and thought he must be a good housekeeper, no one told me that his mom came and did laundry and cleaned for him. SD has stolen from me and my kids, she lies constantly and never has consquences for any of her bad behaviour. She writes stories about me and leaves them out for me to find, she says she wants her dad and I to fight and does her best to make it happen.
Run, Run, Run
I'm reading this and all I can think of is that "they aren't married yet". I think that your boyfriend has a lot of growing up to do before he even deserves someone like you and all that you do for him. Since you aren't married, you should get out now while you can.
Unfortunately you will never have any control over what the birth mother does with the money that she gets for child support.
It sounds like your boyfriend has not gotten over the the Ex yet and until he gets over her, he will never have the kind of relationship with you that you are looking for.
It also sounds like the SD needs some discipline. I have 2 SD's and they don't get away with leaving messes in my DH's home. At first it was hard to be the evil Stepmom, but I've gotten beyond that now and I don't really care too much about how they feel about me, but in the end, they will respect me and our home. Good luck with everything!! I hope that you can figure it out. It's never easy.
Actually - Can I join in??
I was going to send this to my bloody DH today and then thought all it will do is make things worse - so here it is the full vent. Can anyone relate and does anyone have any advice other than rise above??? I'm so tired of rising above I am NOT a saint!!
My thoughts are:
Part of the ‘service’ I have been providing for 4 years is:
Deal with your battles because I want a decent standard of living where everything isn’t just landed on us at the last minute and you are not made poorer than you already are. It’s called taking control of the situation. Someone has to write the solicitors letters and deal with the calendar. The fairies won’t do it.
Be kind to and help to look after your kids (up until the point they disrespect me and stab me in the back – which of course I must surely deserve because . . . . . ?). Apparently though, this isn’t good enough. If you question that I make any effort – ask yourself the last time YOU made the effort to sort out the contact arrangements or YOU came up with ideas for days out. Funny how it is always me (who apparently makes no effort and doesn’t care). Apart from cook for them and pay for them you do little else. You don’t even put boundaries in place in our home. Another way to disrespect me.
Put up with ALL the crap that your ex dishes out. You have no idea how stressful this is when all I want is a quiet life.
Deal with your parent’s shit. Especially when they are fundamentally not helping the situation. You have said enough times that your family think I am wrong (because I don’t think in their warped way and lie about everything I would assume). Well let them think it because I know who is morally right here and has the integrity in this godawful situation.
Well if I am putting up with all this for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS (not FIVE MINUTES) then I would actually have expected you to now step up and protect OUR relationship and say ‘enough’. And to also appreciate what I have had to go through as a choice of being with you. Apart from the fact that I moved here to be with you, I have stuck through you through many difficult things that have made ME upset, angry and stressed so how dare you question my loyalty to you and suggest all I want to do is to walk out the door. Actually what I now want is a decent life. A quiet life where I am not poked with sticks by your bloody ex yet again, shouted at by you and where your family show some loyalty to us. After so long of dealing with this utter crap – why is that unreasonable? How much more exactly am I actually expected to put up with?
You beat ME up as if I have failed with your kids and should feel guilty. You blame me and label me childish for not wanting to tolerate any more of this playground bullshit. Do you NOT SEE that it is HER who is behind ALL of this divisiveness? Why is it MY fault? Because I am the nearest person for you to take out YOUR anger and fruistration on. That’s why. And guess what – I don’t want to be your emotional punchbag any more so change the record.
This is YOUR shit to resolve not mine so I am stepping back from engaging with this perniciousness. Not unreasonable after having suffered it so long and if you are any kind of partner you would respect the fact that I have tolerated ENOUGH. Instead of trying to BLAME ME and point the finger at ME. And say that I am backing YOU into a corner – well I am backed into a corner here too – not that you care coz you just see YOUR side. Just because you claim you cannot stop HER does not mean any of this is my fault and that I should be at the end of your rants and attacks.
All I have done is support this situation and I feel you have taken that for granted long enough. You are happy for me to sort your crap out for you but you don’t think it affects me, How does that work then? IF you want to actually have a decent relationship where you take MY views and emotions into the equation then fine but if you are just going to carry on in the same vein then this is not going to work.
SO LADIES - YOUR THOUGHTS ARE??? All I can say is don't buy any hats coz there ain't gonna be a wedding - EVER!!!!! Rant rant rant arrrghghghghg!!!
God I love this site!!! It's such blissful therapy!!!
It sounds like your bf and
It sounds like your bf and mine are one in the same, lol. I believe it is his fault that I can't even stand to look at SD anymore, I just don't like her, not even a litle bit. In my situation the biggest problem has been the lies she tells to her mom about what goes on here. BM calls my bf and hollers at him and then he gets upset with me. Why does he get upset with me? I guess because he admits he's scared of BM and not scared of me. BM is overweight and probably could do some serious harm if she were to start swinging. She yells and screams at the slightest thing. We briefly had a counsellor for SD but BM called and yelled at her and now we don't have a counsellor anymore. I would think it should be reported to child protective services and I have thought of doing this myself. Because bf is not on the birth certificate if SD went to foster care (like her older brother did) she wouldn't be able to come here to visit. I know it sounds mean but life would be much more peaceful. This is the best therapy ever. Since I'm sort of on the fence about leaving anyway should I call child services? I'm not scared of BM either. I figure the worst that would happen is she'd get in a punch, I could out run her and then she'd lose SD to foster care anyway.
So familiar
BM winds him up and then he rants at you. It is so UNFAIR - and I'm not normally the kind of person to say that!
I think I am finally just realising (too late) that you have to make a stand with your own behaviour how you are prepared to be treated rather than just use words that state you won't be treated in such and such a way.
If the kid in your situation is genuinely being abused by the mother (which is likely if her broterh is already in care) then you have a duty of care to report. If it is just to 'help out' your own situation then it COULD backfire. The choice is yours!
Good luck.
Maybe
You should tell bf that if he insists on waiting around for sd to be available for the trip....you and the kids will go it alone. He can sit on the couch at home, wait and see if he has anyone to hang with, and tell him your life and your kids life will not stand still waiting around for him and sd. I say this cause I know from experience, I was the sucker who spent six years thinking I would not do anything without all four kids available. Where did it get me? Money down the drain, kids that didn't appreciate it anyways, and usually a bm (there is two of them in our lives) who would turn around and screw up our plans anyways!!!!! Since then I have made the decision, me and my kids deserve a life! Luckily after all the messing the bm's have done....dh is on the same page and backs me up, actually I think it was him that said enough is enough! Now a couple of years later, while we do still do activities with all four kids, I have bios (4&5) who have travel happily everywhere we go, both are very good downhill skiiers, love the outdoors and as predicted the skids are the same....bm1 does nothing with ss16 as usual with the exception of making sure he has the latest and greatest computer/video games, and bm2 with ss7 throws money into karate lessons that he doesn't actual attend, and is signing him up for waterworld daycare....he doesn't swim and can't even handle a slide at the park let alone a waterslide. It is time your bf realizes that if bm wants primary care...she can do the primary entertaining!!! You can't wait around for bm to give you time for holidays cause chances are even if she says yes...she will screw it up 20mins before you are ready to go. If your bf can't handle the truth...you are the one there everyday, cooking cleaning and providing....it is time he calls mommy again, and time for you to find a bf who will respect you for the great girlfriend you are!!!!