HI! future step father in the makings and i have no idea what i'm getting myself into
Alright, here's the skinny.. My g/f and i had gotten together back in august and we've known each other for 10+ years and for the last 8 years she's been married to this POS Dbag who would scream at her and call her names and everything else under the sun you could think of excluding physical violence. We hooked up before they were divorced but they were not living together. Anyways, they have 4 beautiful girls together and i'm just trying to figure out what to do.. i know i'm walking into a hornets nest with 5 females.. (no offense). i'm an only child << just thought i would throw that out there as well.. may be helpful. I bite my tongue so much as to how my g/fs children treat her, they take after their dad.. they call her stupid, they tell her that they hate her, they scream that they miss their daddy, bedtime is more like WWIII, its insane.. g/f is soooo damn independant and thats fine with me, i dont really take an active role in disciplining and i prefer it that way, i'm a very strict individual, i guess i take after my mom. i've only barked at the girls once for the absolute disrespect that they show their mother. its awful to hear the words that come out of their mouths.
i dont know what to do, i dont know what to say.. HELP ME PLEASE!
oh and here is the ages of all of us
me - 35
her - 30
4 children 12, 8, 6, 4
Well welcome to being a step
Well welcome to being a step parent, it's a very tough and thankless job..
First of all your gf needs to lay down the law in her (your) home and let her girls know that she will not tolerate any disrespect from them from here on in. She needs to be a mom to them and not a friend. Tough love and it's your house as well. You and your gf need to sit down and communicate about this and come up with a game plan an follow it to the letter..
I feel for you and I wish you the best...do not tolerate this hateful behaviour from these children..they need to learn respect and stop acting like spoiled brats....
all the best...Z
You're a brave man. I'll
You're a brave man. I'll light a candle for you!
I'll burn some sage...
I'll burn some sage...
i would have to say that
i would have to say that you're really far off the mark on this, i know she doesnt have a fear of being lonely. And as far as her parenting skills go, she does a pretty damn good with it... when she was with her EXH, the girls would get out of hand and she would reprimand them and they would go to him and he would totally undo everything that she tried to do, she's trying to fix every issue that he caused.. i know this as fact as i've seen it first hand.
a man cave is definitely in order when we move in.. i have to have an "office space" for my work
a bit of background on the
a bit of background on the bio dad.. he messed up, thought he was some big time drug dealer and got thrown in jail back in september and he was just release a few days ago.. i know the g/f does her best with the girls but she really needs to stick to her guns with discipline. the bio dad.. he's just going to be a big pain in the @ss as he has no business even being a father.. NONE what so ever..
whatever structure that the mom gives the girls, the dad will just tear it all down..
welcome to step parenthood. i
welcome to step parenthood. i would say sit with mom and the kids and explain to them (after you talk with mom first) what you expect of them and then what i would do so they don't keep thinking they can get away with the disrespect that they will follow your house rules, or you will intervene, nothign wrong with that in my opinion
I have been "dad" to my SS-18
I have been "dad" to my SS-18 since he was 1yo. As young as he was when his mom and I married I have had much less drama than you are likely in for.
When we married I was 30 and my wife was 18. I am nearly 47, my wife just turned 35 and SS is now 18.
One thing I consistently recommend is that if you are going to marry a woman with children that you must insist on being an equity parent to the children in your home with your wife and BioDad. IMHO this is not negotiable or optional it is automatic and mandatory.
Others have a differing opinion on this but a marriage is an equal partnership between spouses and if you are not an equity parent then the partnership is not equal.
The marriage is between the spouses and the kids are not a party to the marriage. They benefit from the good example of a strong, supportive, affectionate and healthy marriage but they are not a part of the marriage. The marriage comes before the kids. For the BioParent in the marriage the spouse comes before the kids just as the spouse comes first for the other partner.
Being an equity parent applies to discipline also. I have always been active in disciplining my SS. There have been a few periods over the years during which my wife had issues with how I disciplined my SS. My answer to her was "if you don't like how I discipline then you better step up and get it done before I have to". She did step up and now SS would much rather have me discipline than to have his mom discipline. I discipline then move on. His mom disciplines then lectures him for days.
Though I have no bio spawn to compare the parenting experience to, I firmly believe that anyone who thinks parenting a BioKid is difficult should try being a Sparent. BioParenting is romper room compared to Sparenting. Parenting in a blended family adds multiple households, multiple Sparents, half sibs, StepSibs, exponentially more grand parents, aunts, uncles and cousins to the situation.
Welcome to the community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.
Climb in, buckle up, hang on and enjoy the ride.
we're not living together
we're not living together yet, that comes next fall when our leases are up, so i do spend a lot of time at their place. when it comes to all of us moving in together, i'm sure that her and i will have to have a talk with the girls to let them know and understand that i will be an authoritative figure in their lives. i do try and be a good friend with the girls, i play with them a lot.. they love "zombie and monsters" LOL
stepaside.. you know it.. a spliff is what the doctor prescribed
i just know and dread the fact that the bio dad is going to be a serious pain in the ribs with this.. he begged her not to leave him the entire time he was in jail.. i just laughed, she wants nothing to do with the douchetard.
thank you for all the responses so far, i'm soaking all of it in and really appreciate everything
Do you love her? Do you think
Do you love her? Do you think that you found the one person that you could let into your crazy little world that would be the perfect fit? These are questions that you need to ask yourself.
When I first came to this website and started blogging I got the same responses, "run for the hills." The only thing is I found the one. The one person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Why would I give that up?
His two kids BD(6) and BS(3) were completely out of control. After a lot of arguing we finally sat down and wrote out a list of house rules and punishments for those rules. Example - unless there's a damn goos reason you better stay in your bed when it's bed time or you loose the night light, next was the hall light, and last the bedroom door gets closed. His son would get up every 5 minutes to give him a hug or needed to tell him something. And he would do it for hours.
Now both of us are on the same page. We have rules that we agree on. We have punishments that both of us follow. And the kids are slowly but shirly improving. It's all about consistancy. And she needs to have your back throughout the whole process.
Better stop that shit now
Better stop that shit now before they get to be teenagers or your life will be a living hell.....tell gf to use her backbone before they break it!
I just survived 3 teenage girls myself and I am a tough mo fo!
13 is the worst age....coming right at ya!
you better book mark this sight...you're going to need it.
Run Dude Run. I have been
Run Dude Run. I have been and am currently a stepparent and I finally learned that as long as you understand you will always be second in her life, behind her children it might work out. The job of a stepparent is to sit down shut up pay more then the other parent and don't question anything.