I didnt know there was a name for it. I didnt know others were "doin it". I only knew i was "slipping away". Less and less every visit. Less and less as time went by. Less i was mentally here, less i was physically there, less i am emtionally here. I started seeing a counselor back in August. I knew the arrival of "our" baby would make or break our ( mine and dh) relationship. I sensed this because i knew with a baby here, i would take less crap. But gawd, i dont wanna go through this stepfamily thing again. I wanna make it work, i do love dh. Our baby deserves it. Our baby doesnt deserve living in tension and resentment. She learns from me how to treat men and learns from her daddy how to be treated by men. I tell dh im going to counseling because everything i thought i knew must be wrong. Its not working, its only getting worse and it is now spilling over to other relationships. Me and dh, me and my own bio kids. I need help. I need suggestions, ideas. I need someone to tell me im not crazy!
The counselor didnt say disengage. She never mentioned it. She suggested a "new schedule" thats makes it easier for everyone to rebuild their relationships.
Now i only have to see ss one weekend a month (if i choose) and my kids dont have to see him at all. I dont have to see this child and the off things he does. I dont have to listen. I dont have to witness the poor parenting that is done. Out of sight, out of mind.
I thought i would think about this, and that, and who, what, when, where, how, etc... and i admit at first i did. Enough to irritate myself. The one weekend he comes, i visit my sister. I dont dwell on "what i am missing" or how me and dh have to be away. I am seeing the results, slowly feeling the results. Is that a faint light at the end of the tunnel? I focus on my weekend with my sis. My alone time with my baby, my alone time with my kids. I read, cruise the mall, watch my movies. Yes its alone, yes i miss dh. But i am so rested when the weekend is over. A rested woman is a patient, more loving wife, and mother. I feel i can give more of me, cause i took care of me.
Today, i had to see ss at a birthday party. For me, it was like he wasnt there. I paid no attention out the "corner of my eye" i was able to enjoy myself and the company of others. Ss is not my kid, not my problem. And after a couple months of being disengaged it is getting easier to ignore and tolerate at the same time. Of course the anticipation isnt any easier. I gotta psych myself up for these things, but i find myself actually being able to enjoy myself.
I just think to myself if i do catch something, oh well sucks to be you dh.