How to deal with little lies?
My sd11 lies...a lot. Bm lies a lot too but that doesn't affect me or my children. Sd lies about things that there is zero reason to lie about. Eg 10pieces of chewed chewing gum on a shelving unit in a bedroom upstairs. I say who put that there? My kids say not me sd11 says not me, obviously someone is lying. I say whoever it was isn't in trouble they just need to clean it up and not do it again. Again not me, not me, not me. Now it's at a deliberately lying for no reason stage. Not to get out of trouble because there is no trouble, not for attention not for any of the usual reasons for lying.
I ask again and again. Say whoever it is needs to come forward and clean it because i certainly aren't. No one comes forward after an hour. I'm like right I'm going to take electronics from everyone until someone comes forwards. Now the culprit knows 2 other people are being punished for something they are doing. Again who dunnit? Not me, not me , not me.
Give them some time to come forward again and clean it to get their electronics back. Still nothing. Ask again by this point I'm mad because takes nothing to just say I did it sorry I'll clean it in the 1st place. After 4 hours she eventually says it was me. Dh asks her why she lied she shrugs. Dh cleans it and it's all over with again. This is just one example but there are loads. Wet tissue blocking the sink who dunnit can you please clean it? Obviously wasn't anyone hours later and after getting things taken off them she admits it and cleans it.
Over the weekend I got both sets of kids a scratch off bucket list. Sds is 100things to do with dad my own got 100 things to do with mum. One of the kids scratched part of one of the mum ones off. The whole who dunnit thing? No one obviously same scenario. She eventually comes forward shrugs it off.
Now my issue is that in most of these situations my children are also getting punished. These things don't usually happen when it's just my kids here and if they do something they usually just tell me so I didn't realise this was actually a thing.
Do I just let these things go? Clean up after whoever it was? Keep saying stuff and punishing my own kids even though I know it wasn't them? Just saying something to her makes me feel like I'm picking on her even though I know instantly that she's lying by her face? I can tell when my own kids aren't being truthful too. It's just over really small silly things that honestly do not matter so I'm thinking just clean it up myself and save myself the hassle?
I hate this, because this is
I hate this, because this is exactly what my sd has always done. She's gotten everyone punished, and why DH has bought cameras for the entire house... he's never installed them because he knows it's all sd, and he's too scared to catch her in the act. My daughters went a far as taken blame do that the whole inquisition could stop... while i knew fully that it was sd... i got sd to confess when she was little by telling her we had cameras, but she knows now that we don't.
want to add to this that when
want to add to this that when ALSO in my house, if someone did something wrong but ADMITTED to the wrong doing, we gave them consequences for their actions (ie you stuck gum to the entertainment center, now you have to get the gum off and clean and polish the entertainment center), but I THANK them for telling the truth, and explain how important it is to tell the truth.
SD knew this was the policy, she would STILL lie, then when caught in the lie, she was yelled at, explained that now nobody can believe her, AND she had to take the original consequence, AND now everyone is mad at her for them being punished.
BUT the problem with our situation is that DH ALWAYS wants to give SD a clean slate... and everyone in our house is fed up with it.
This wasn't a lie for no
This wasn't a lie for no reason really. She didn't want to get in trouble. She did not believe that there would be no consequences for the actions.. so she stuck to her story. She may have gotten burned at her mom's for similar "you won't get in trouble"... when she knows her mom will punish her/give her a talking to. Her dad needs to reinforce with her that in your home, honesty is the policy.
What were the consequences?
What were the consequences? DH Clean it & no one punished her for lying? No one punished her for allowing others to shoulder her responsibility? No wonder she lies. If you keep punishing all the children, the innocent will hate her.
yup, EXACTLY what happened in
yup, EXACTLY what happened in my circumstance.
it sounds like she's getting
it sounds like she's getting exactly what she wants. Dad cleans it up and she gets no repercussions.
There is only one way to lie.
That is intentionally.
Lying was a spanking offense when I was growing up.
So after all of that your DH
So after all of that your DH cleaned it up? Your SD has no reason not to lie, other kids get in trouble along with her and daddy cleanes up her mess...why should she be honest? Remove the group punishment mentality that never works.
Still triggered when I read about skid liars.
DH and I have a zero tolerance policy for lying. This comes from having teen BPD YSD live with us for five years. She lied constantly and comprehensively about things big and small, and none of the therapy she received helped with it. It's a special kind of hell to live with someone you can't trust, always second guessing and being hyper vigilant, and I will never do so again.
Every home needs structure, standards, and rules. Your SO is doing his kid no favors by enabling this antisocial behavior, and there needs to be a plan for correction. I would lose my sh!t on him for such weak parenting and point out that liars don't do well in society. Does he want SD to have friends? Be respected and well regarded in a career? Have a partner and family of her own one day? Does he want his daughter to be a person of integrity and good character? Because NONE of that will happen for her if she continues to be a liar. Try framing it as wanting good things for SD, and see if he responds.
Repercussions to actions
Thats the only way that she will change her behaviors. Cameras to catch and then you have proof.
This behavior will only get worse over time, not better. She is getting away with it. and little things will become big things, as she will start making accusations that are lies, she will start stealing and lie about it. Taking care of it now will keep this from becoming a growing problem.
SD22 Feral Forger was a lie teller, and it started with small things. You have bios to protect. What if she started accusing them of abusing her? I know its a big jump from gum to that, but these things happen unfortunately.
Sometimes it's....
Sometimes it's hard to let those things go. Especially when you have a constant tornado in your house who denies knocking down the house. My SD12 is the same way or she will blame it on my DD13 who is majorly OCD and has to have everything in its place and for it to be clean. SD12 used to trash my old car by spitting out gum into wrappers and not covering it up fully, so it would stick to my seats and door handles... When I had asked both of the kids who trashed the back seat, they would both say, "Not me." And I knew exactly who it was since it was on her "claimed" side of the car. I had to clean out my vehicle so that I could trade it in that day, and DBF told her to help clean it up, so DD13 and I were out cleaning it up, and she was out playing with the dogs and watching and I had asked if she was going to help, and she would just shrug her shoulders. She leaves her dirty laundry on the couch, wrappers inside of the love seat, spilled cocoa all over the carpet last week and laughed about it, etc... it's highly frustrating and I feel for you. You have every right to be frustrated.