It's unacceptable i'm not even told off when adult ss is coming to our home when back from university because its such a miserable time. One time his friend came over and they stayed at our home all day doing nothing, just sat on the sofa playing on their iphones.

i felt like my private space had been invaded by outsiders.

eventually my husband would text me from work to let me know ss was coming back today etc and i would usually get chores done early as he tended to come back fridays mostly and i'd go to bed early with our 2 young kids early as our rooms are upstairs. 

the moment ss arrives home the mood/vibe is instantly toxic, negative and depressing. You just don't want to be around him. My kids are always looking at who this stranger is. My kids are 4 & 5, they di not recognize sd26, ss23 and sd16 as their siblings, they are complete strangers who fake they are siblings of the yr in front of family.

eventually i told hubby I wouldn't remain in our marital home with this miserable toxic little shit son of his. Hubby bought a separate home in my country as we intended to send our kids to school there whilst my husband is working o/seas in his essential job on contract for several more yrs.

this home is in my name only because sd's had ended contact 5+ yrs and the day eldest sd who was 22 re-initiated contact demands daddy to transfer a home solely into skids name because he owes their mum in the divorce. Hubby bought this home after divorce with his own money.

I wasn't gonna sit by and let them walk all over him and he not protect us beforehand incase something happens. No skid will ever enter my home ever again.

ss was already told by his dad 3 years ago how he burned all bridges purely out of him being an unnecessary disrespectful little shit. He even admitted his own mum abandoned him, his own full sisters are controlled by bio mum and have basically no relationship with him and therefore in future for long holidays religious holidays etc, hubby intended to spend them with us and he couldn't bring ss along with all his toxic negativity along, nobody wants that around.

my husband told him he did this to himself and ignored the fact that when hubby is no longer around, he will have no one, he won't have his mum, sisters and he won't have us and hubby explained that me and our 2 kids are really the only positive respectful sane people in the family and ss chose to treat us like shit.

When my husband dies, i will not maintain any relationship with my skids and neither will my kids with hubby.

You can't live like this. What about it makes you so unhappy? Can anything be changed about your situation?

She is an 8 yo child that lives in your home full time (with some brief trips to mom's).  Honestly, it seems like a very sad situation for everyone.  Imagine being 8 and living with an adult that is doing her best to ignore you.  Imagine being an adult that is so averse to someone who lives in their home that they hide in their room.

I'm not saying you have to be MOTY to this child.. but it doesn't seem fair to anyone to live in this environment... 

There is a decade or more of this girl living in your home... honestly, that is too long to just brush off and hold your breath.. it seems like this is just not a workable life for anyone.  I can imagine over time that your SO will resent your refusal to have anything to do with his child.  I'm not saying it's your responsibility to parent his child.. make her breakfast or support her.. but living like she is a ghost in your home seems not the best option either... 

OP, in your bio you say that she's a troubled child - can you elaborate on that so we can get a better idea of the situation?

Transition times can be tough for everyone. If these feelings and behaviors continue beyond the first week or so of her return then I think it would probably be wise to talk to a therapist about how you feel. Being able to talk to a thrid party may help you to work out where these feelings are coming from. Is it because your husband is a poor parent and lets his daughter act poorly towards you, is it because your husband changes his mood/behaviors when sd is around, or is it because you feel displaced in your own home, or is it because you struggle to let go of past missdeeds that sd did??..there are many other reasons why you may be feeling this way (and all of them valid).

If you want to stay in this relationship then I think it is important to work out the route cause(s) of your feelings and find ways to address or minimize them. 

(A big hint is that most of us on here find that the route causes of the issues ultimately lie with our partner and their parenting style and are rarely really about the child themselves.)

I don't have any advice to offer. I'm in a similar situation and am miserable when skids are about to come back (we have them every other week). It's not that they hate me or treat me badly. But I can't help but to feel invaded by intruders. There is so much drama when they are here. SS7 has multiple temper tantrums a day (hysterical loud crying, screaming, stamping his feet), is bossy, backtalks aggressively, and keeps running in the house kicking balls, climbing, etc. SD9 is loud, likes to scream and make annoying noises all the time for no reason, signs, talks non stop and is intrusive. They are both so awfully entitled. They just annoy and exhaust me so much. I'm spending more and more time in my room to have some peace and (partial) quiet.

I lived like this for 10 years.  It's absolute hell.  I lived in my bedroom most of the time.  

Can your DH do the parenting? When he's at work, can he arrange for someone to watch her? If his expectation is that you are a replacement mom, but that isn't working for you, you should tell him. It's not fair for him to expect you to be the babysitter while also working from home. 

I was on the cusp of a situation like this. I dated a guy whose kid was allowed to act out and hit and throw things and be a brat. Nobody seemed to really have control over him including the mother. I couldn't picture myself in that situation full time so living together or marriage just wasn't going to be an option for me.

Fast forward and I am now dating a guy with five kids and all these children are smart, well behaved young adults who fix their own meals and do their own thing. I was picturing a house in chaos when I first imagined things but I have never been in a room so full of people and felt so calm.

The difference is one man is a parent and the other was not. One is invested in teaching his children how to be good people and capable adults and one is just phoning it in and let his ex take the brunt of the work.

Basically with kids the biological parents need to step up and take charge of the situation. Until they do the kids will continue to be disrespectful nightmares. She is disrespectful to you because her father hasn't made it known that that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. You are a stronger person that I was. I knew my limits and walked. I miss the dad but I don't miss the drama of his kid and ex at all. It was a nightmare. My point is I have seen two scenarios and it doesn't have to be a nightmare but the burden falls on the dad to setup clear boundaries for his kids and his ex. If dad isn't willing to do that then it's up to you to decide how much you are capable of living with.

Honestly, therapy.  I'm not saying that you're crazy, but therapy can help you cope with things that you don't know how to cope with. Maybe even just being able to talk about it can help you feel better. Plan nice things for yourself to do on the days that she's coming back.  Be gone getting your nails done/ getting a massage/ having a girls night out that night.

She sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry you have to live with this. I've no advice because I'm new to this whole thing too, but my thoughts are with you. 

I read your posts and comments. That is a horrible way to live. Due to abuse and neglect, your husband is probably parenting out of guilt. As in hes not parenting. You have been given responsibility without authority, which is not sustainable long-term, as you are finding out. 

You will need to disengage, child will need therapy. That is the "what needs to happen" part of things. As you are married, leaving is not in the equation (yet). Your husband needs repercussions to his lack of parenting. Definitely separate finances. Definitely find other places to go and things to do so that he is forced to deal with this. He doesnt want to put his kid in therapy? Well you will need to draw the hard lines in the sand and be willing to back them up with repercussions. No therapy = no help from you at all with kiddo. Get nanny cams to record her behavior.  As this child ages, she will more than likely start telling more lies and accusing you of abuse. This is what SD22 Feral Forger has done all through her teens and into now. She will accuse someone of something, and it is the very thing she has done herself. She will include enough details (because of course she knows all the details being the perpetrator) that it will be believable.

If she is not treated and parented NOW - at 8 - then she will get worse and your life with this family will not get better...