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How do you "disengage" ?

YellowBelly's picture

Submitted by YellowBelly on Sun, 05/05/2013 - 12:12pm

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Ive only been a step parent for 2 years so all of this is fairly new to me. Can you folks explain how you disengage? I have to do something before it ruins my relationship with my SO. I really don't want to be a pregnant single mom to 3 (almost 4, due in October)

TIA!,
Tara Sad

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Mon, 05/06/2013 - 9:47am

I wish I could tell you how but I really dont know.. I'm trying to do that as well. I think I'm just not going to do anything for her... and I mean nothing besides feed her..

Z

Madicakes's picture

Submitted by Madicakes on Mon, 05/06/2013 - 10:47am

I think it's different for everyone. Some people choose not to do anything, others choose to just not correct the child. I have just recently decided that I am going to attempt to disengage. I have decided that I am not going to do ANYTHING that would be something a parent would do for their child. I will feed her, but only because I cook dinner for everyone. I won't correct her, buy her things, buy her gifts to give to other people, throw birthday parties, buy special food just for her, take her places/movies/dinner/ etc. I also will not offer my opinion about anything going on with her to her father. Of course, this is going to take a lot of discipline on my part.

notmyspawn's picture

Submitted by notmyspawn on Mon, 05/06/2013 - 3:59pm

This is what I posted on an earlier post:

Just because there is a child in your home, does not mean you need to mother him/her. I NEVER have. The way I look at it, SK is here to see DH, not me. I have NO obligations. I choose when and how I want to interact with SK. MY choice, no one else's. If SK wants to go to the store with me, I just say, "No, stay here and visit with your dad. You don't see him very often." That is a solid reason not to have to have SK come along with me. And it isn't just a "no" where SK may feel rejected. It is a "no" with an accurate reason attached.
Just do your best not to be a bitch to the kid, and you should be ok

Disengaging is different for everyone. I chose to disengage because I SK doesn't recieve much discipline and watching the behavior be rewarded or ignored was making me crazy and angry. Plus, knowing that I don't have any rights to SK makes it easier not to feel obligated to be around every minute on visits with DH.
In our home, DH does 99% of things for SK. I come and go as I please, and I make plans to do things I want to do. I do make an effort to be there for some portion I the time during the visits, but I do it around my schedule not theirs. But this is what works for me and DH. I know other people, even in my own family, who think its wiers or wrong. HTH!