And I've never said I hate his kids, I've said I don't like how they act, how they treat me, how they treat my children.
but I pointed out to him the bazillion times I have "tried" to bridge the gap... to no avail. It's all on them and after all this time I'm guessing it won't change no matter what.
I will admit, however, that I've done things in order to bring it more out in the open (before their behavior was passive-aggressive, never in front of DH).
Examples:
Both of us give the SK's their Christmas presents.
"Thanks Dad" is mumbled.
DH: "This is from B22S22 also"
~~nothing but silence~~
I thanked them both for the mothers day card my DH "forced" them to sign.
~~nothing but silence~~
I asked them if they'd like (insert drink of choice here) with dinner.
~~nothing but silence~~
and it goes on. So whereas the first time I heard it my DH was pissed, not so much now because he sees what's what. And I've told him they're going to get what they give where I'm concerned, and he needs to redirect his disappointment away from ME.
My dh is actually very sympathetic to my role. He recognizes his daughter has some personality traits that are clearly at odds with my values. He addresses them when he can, but he isn't likely to change her peronsality. He does recognize that if he were in my shoes, he'd have bolted a long time ago, so he appreciates that I tolerate her despite my feelings, he shields me from her most of the time, and we're closer than ever because we're honest with each other.
Neither. Just curious how other ladies SO handled their feelings about their kids....IDK why people keep asking me that...I am genuinely curious to know... :?
before she moved in at 16, he liked to say that i was the adult and should try harder. try harder for what? :? i can't make her behave and i'm not going to just suddenly enjoy being around an asshole.
after she moved in and wasn't able to hide her nasty behavior toward me so well anymore, he started to see her for what she is and he understands why i feel the way i do. he also sees/hears me giving my own daughter shit for her bad attitude and behavior, so he knows i'm not just being unfair in how i feel about sd. my own kid, it's my job to teach her and i will always love her no matter what. sd is not my kid. it's not my job to teach her. if she's an ass, she's an ass. that's all there is to it. i don't have to try to fix it or love her anyway, and i don't.
I read your bio and I think you are smart to be asking questions and considering everything before making such a huge decision.
Here's the best advice I can give you: know exactly how your boyfriend feels about your concerns. Make it all very clear to him, and see how he reacts. Find out up front how you will both deal with the conflict that is certain to come up in the next few years.
This is of the utmost importance. The key to this working out is not the stepkid, but your boyfriend. Many others on this board will agree with me on this. This is because no matter how bad the stepkid may become, and no matter how awful the ex-wife may be, if your boyfriend and potential future husband has your back, you will be okay. If this is not the case, then you will be in for some misery.
There are countless cases on these boards of situations where the SO allows the stepkid to run all over them and the stepparent, out of guilt about their divorce. The stepchild can treat you with absolutely no respect and have no fear of punsihment. Plus, thee other bioparent is able to do the same and the SO does not stand up and put a stop to it. This is a recipe for disaster, where you are put last. Make sure you are on the same page about how you will handle these situations.
Thank you Eric! We communicate alot in regards to his kid and how things will play out "if and when" and from what I see and hear we are 99% on the same page...I just hope and pray it stays that way...and I agree that if the bio-parent doesnt put their foot down about their childs behavior nothing will change or get better BUT I also believe that at a certain age/age group children know right from wrong and most have common sense even if they arent taught right from wrong very well. His son is 10 and IMHO that is plenty old enough to know how to behave etc. So as most of it has to do with the parent putting and keeping their child in check once they are old enough the child also is responsible and accountable for their actions, behavior, etc. Do you agree or am I wrong in thinking that a 10 year old should know better and how to behave etc?
Yes, I agree with you. 10 years old is absolutely old enough to understand how to behave. That's why it's such an important point, because if you and the father are both consistent in what type of behavior is acceptable and what is not, it will go a long way towards keeping him from being out of control by the time he becomes a teen. But just keep in mind that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do. My stepkids both were so different when they were 7-11 or so. They were respectful and pleasant to be around. That all changed when they became teenagers.
It's good that you are both on the same page. When you become a stepparent, there are already a lot of things going against you. The child understands you are not really their real parent, and may not be as respectful as they should. The other bio-parent may say bad things about you to the child. The fact is, you will probably just not ever feel the same about the child as you would if they were your own. This can make for some tough times, but if you feel like part of a "team" with your SO, it's possible to make things work.
You can probably already tell a lot about your boyfriend and his parenting style by just watching. If he allows a lot of things you would not or tries to be a "friend" parent then those are some red flags.
He wasn't happy. And I've
He wasn't happy.
And I've never said I hate his kids, I've said I don't like how they act, how they treat me, how they treat my children.
but I pointed out to him the bazillion times I have "tried" to bridge the gap... to no avail. It's all on them and after all this time I'm guessing it won't change no matter what.
I will admit, however, that I've done things in order to bring it more out in the open (before their behavior was passive-aggressive, never in front of DH).
Examples:
Both of us give the SK's their Christmas presents.
"Thanks Dad" is mumbled.
DH: "This is from B22S22 also"
~~nothing but silence~~
I thanked them both for the mothers day card my DH "forced" them to sign.
~~nothing but silence~~
I asked them if they'd like (insert drink of choice here) with dinner.
~~nothing but silence~~
and it goes on. So whereas the first time I heard it my DH was pissed, not so much now because he sees what's what. And I've told him they're going to get what they give where I'm concerned, and he needs to redirect his disappointment away from ME.
My dh is actually very
My dh is actually very sympathetic to my role. He recognizes his daughter has some personality traits that are clearly at odds with my values. He addresses them when he can, but he isn't likely to change her peronsality. He does recognize that if he were in my shoes, he'd have bolted a long time ago, so he appreciates that I tolerate her despite my feelings, he shields me from her most of the time, and we're closer than ever because we're honest with each other.
Neither. Just curious how
Neither. Just curious how other ladies SO handled their feelings about their kids....IDK why people keep asking me that...I am genuinely curious to know... :?
Gotcha
Gotcha
before she moved in at 16, he
before she moved in at 16, he liked to say that i was the adult and should try harder. try harder for what? :? i can't make her behave and i'm not going to just suddenly enjoy being around an asshole.
after she moved in and wasn't able to hide her nasty behavior toward me so well anymore, he started to see her for what she is and he understands why i feel the way i do. he also sees/hears me giving my own daughter shit for her bad attitude and behavior, so he knows i'm not just being unfair in how i feel about sd. my own kid, it's my job to teach her and i will always love her no matter what. sd is not my kid. it's not my job to teach her. if she's an ass, she's an ass. that's all there is to it. i don't have to try to fix it or love her anyway, and i don't.
Tasha, I read your bio and I
Tasha,
I read your bio and I think you are smart to be asking questions and considering everything before making such a huge decision.
Here's the best advice I can give you: know exactly how your boyfriend feels about your concerns. Make it all very clear to him, and see how he reacts. Find out up front how you will both deal with the conflict that is certain to come up in the next few years.
This is of the utmost importance. The key to this working out is not the stepkid, but your boyfriend. Many others on this board will agree with me on this. This is because no matter how bad the stepkid may become, and no matter how awful the ex-wife may be, if your boyfriend and potential future husband has your back, you will be okay. If this is not the case, then you will be in for some misery.
There are countless cases on these boards of situations where the SO allows the stepkid to run all over them and the stepparent, out of guilt about their divorce. The stepchild can treat you with absolutely no respect and have no fear of punsihment. Plus, thee other bioparent is able to do the same and the SO does not stand up and put a stop to it. This is a recipe for disaster, where you are put last. Make sure you are on the same page about how you will handle these situations.
I really hope it works out for you.
Eric
Thank you Eric! We
Thank you Eric! We communicate alot in regards to his kid and how things will play out "if and when" and from what I see and hear we are 99% on the same page...I just hope and pray it stays that way...and I agree that if the bio-parent doesnt put their foot down about their childs behavior nothing will change or get better BUT I also believe that at a certain age/age group children know right from wrong and most have common sense even if they arent taught right from wrong very well. His son is 10 and IMHO that is plenty old enough to know how to behave etc. So as most of it has to do with the parent putting and keeping their child in check once they are old enough the child also is responsible and accountable for their actions, behavior, etc. Do you agree or am I wrong in thinking that a 10 year old should know better and how to behave etc?
Yes, I agree with you. 10
Yes, I agree with you. 10 years old is absolutely old enough to understand how to behave. That's why it's such an important point, because if you and the father are both consistent in what type of behavior is acceptable and what is not, it will go a long way towards keeping him from being out of control by the time he becomes a teen. But just keep in mind that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do. My stepkids both were so different when they were 7-11 or so. They were respectful and pleasant to be around. That all changed when they became teenagers.
It's good that you are both on the same page. When you become a stepparent, there are already a lot of things going against you. The child understands you are not really their real parent, and may not be as respectful as they should. The other bio-parent may say bad things about you to the child. The fact is, you will probably just not ever feel the same about the child as you would if they were your own. This can make for some tough times, but if you feel like part of a "team" with your SO, it's possible to make things work.
You can probably already tell a lot about your boyfriend and his parenting style by just watching. If he allows a lot of things you would not or tries to be a "friend" parent then those are some red flags.