How to get past the anger and resentment?
These past few years with DH and SD8 have been hell, as i'm sure you can all relate to. My issues with DH have progressively gotten worse and the bickering and fighting is non-stop ever since I started standing up for myself and creating boundaries. I have disengaged from SD8 and gotten over much of the guilty of giving all of her responsibilities on DH. I keep telling myself, "don't feel guilty that he's struggling with her. She's his kid and he decided to have full custody so let him step up and be her parent." I have to tell myself this every time he's overwhelmed and struggling.
DH isn't a bad guy. He was clueless how much his neglect has hurt me but in the past few months since I became more vocal about my needs and demanding alone time with my husband, he is trying his best to make our marriage a priority. SD8 demands his 24/7 attention so he struggles to find a balance. He is also to blame because he is equally up her butt at times and do damn nit picky when it comes to everything SD related, right down to which hair accessories match or don't match her outfits. Yeah! :sick:
My question is now that DH realizes our marriage might end because of my zero tolerance attitude and he is trying to make time for us, how do I get over my resentment and forgive him? I feel so emotionally numb and while the old me would be thrilled with the idea of spending the day alone with my husband, the new angry/bitter me could care less. I mean I care about him and do love him of course but i've fallen out of love. I feel so jaded and have lost all faith in him. I don't think his efforts will be long lasting. My fear is the next time his precious angel puts on that sad puppy dog face for attention, daddy will melt and forget all about his wife, again! That's partly why i'm so reluctant to open up to him anymore.
I want to give us another shot but the fear of being heart broken again just won't allow me to open up. What can I do?
I think a lot of us struggle
I think a lot of us struggle with this, and it does have to do with the guilty Disney dad syndrome.
I'm amazed at the lovely tone of voice H uses when he talks to YSD, how he is so full of pride, how he will jump at the smallest thing to compete with what BM does for her
I remind myself H feels guilt about the divorce, and never quite lets go of his fear that his kids just might walk out of his life, just might not think he is the best dad ever. This makes him fall over backwards to please them
H doesn't live with this same guilt or fear with me, so it's different between us....
Maybe because I came from a large family, and also a child of divorce, I learned early on to try only to focus on the relationship that I have with my loved ones, and not to compare them with the relationships they have with others.
As long as I feel my H loves me, is attracted to me, proud of me, etc... etc... then I try to simply focus on and work on that and be happy about that.
You love who you love and sometimes can't be the single most loved person in someone's life....although again in many of our cases I don't think our H's actually love us second, but they do put us second, because they feel they have to as a parent to the people they brought into this world
I always wished my H's eldest DD could come to this understanding. She became so jealous and resentful of my relationship with H she wreaked havoc on my marriage and my life. And sadly on her own too. I used to want to say to her 'what's the worst thing that could happen SD?' 'Your dad loves your SM more (this was basically her fear and she voiced it in crying fits and temper tantrums) 'Okay, so you are not # 1 SD when it comes to your dad's love. However, doesn't mean your dad loves you any less than he always has, doesn't mean your dad is any less proud of you than he always has been, does not mean that you still don't have your own unique and special relationship with him...I wished she didn't feel she had to be the single most loved person in his life'. She could not....so many years of trouble from her since
YSD on the other hand is now my H's pride and joy...for all the Disney dad reasons above and also because she is his daughter and absolutely I agree one to be proud of. H treats her like a bit of a princess and I'm sure she knows how loved and very special to him she is. It could bug me but I know it's not her it's H, and since I've accepted why I find it helps greatly not to feel hurt and disappointed by it....