I am well past a decade now.  The skids are all out of the house and in varying degrees of interaction.  So DH and I are in the "recovery" stage.  His son and I have made great strides and he makes a genuine effort to include me in his life.  No one could possibly be more surprised at that than me!  Although I would imagine he never dreamed of the possibility even 5 years ago either.  He has grown up a lot.  His daughter went the opposite way and became even more difficult.  I had only survived by completely disengaging from the skids and focusing on my own life.  Where I moved gradually toward his son, I am now even further away from her to the point where I essentially ignore the fact that she exists.  Should she change at all I may reassess but I seriously doubt that will ever happen.  BM moved from the area and aside from unending alimony is not a factor.

So there is hope on the other side.  DH and I are working to reconnect.  That there was a lot of damage done is undeniable.  But the fault is not his alone.  I could have handled it better or made the choice to leave.  I didn't.  So the distance between us is heavily on me.  He may have created the situation and refused to fix it but I hardened my heart and spent my time focused on myself.  Now that he is reaching out, it is up to me to stop being resentful and thinking versions of "gee, how convenient that you want to be with me now!" and allow healing.  That is not easy at times but I am trying.

I've been in this situation for almost 9 years. At first, SS (then 10) and I had a great relationship and I looked forward to him coming over. But as DH and I got more serious, and he and BM fought over custody, the situation deteriorated into total alienation. Now he is BM's pawn entirely.  We didn't see him at all for almost 3 years, and DH had barely any interaction with him during that time, and if he did, it was negative. He came back into our lives for about 3 months this fall (as BM was filing a court petition for money) but he's gone again.

He's almost 19 and BM is still using him to get more money and to hurt DH.  I have personally totally given up on SS and my life is best when he is not around. But I feel sad for DH that he's lost his son, and I also feel very stressed that we still have to deal with this crap with an adult skid.

I have only known his kids for 4 years but there are 4 of them ages 8-17!

so I met the little girl when she was nearly 4 and the rest are boys. I get on really well with all of them but that’s prob because I once read, try and be like an Auntie to them. Don’t try to be their mum or a cool older sister, have the distance, sense of humour and tolerance of an auntie! Lol easier said than done why they live with you a few days a week!!!

i do try to remember this when I get dragged into parenting them. 

When I first moved in with them it was awful, they went to bed at 11pm, ate ice cream for breakfast and missed the toilet and never flushed! Plus decided they would join us every night in our bedroom.

i put my foot down and got some ground rules together but tried to make it fun. My husband hated the idea as he wanted it to be the ‘fun’ house.

i still have issues but have diss engaged now because it’s the only way I can deal with my husband and his parenting style. We have come to a compromise (sort of) in parenting styles but I still stay quiet when they eat a whole 500g bar of chocolate 30 mins before bed! 

My relationship with the boys have been the strongest. I find the younger girl is very much a daddies girl and acts very baby like around him and her brothers. This irritates me and although I love her, I find her more of a challenge than the boys. Boys are easy to me.

if anything it’s my relationship with my husband that has been the conflict. That’s definetley changed over the years and not really in a good way. He has become more demanding and less patient with me.

I met my DH in 2002 when his daughters were age 5 and 7, and I disengaged in 2003 when I saw how the land lay, although I didn't realise there was a name for it back then.  It has been a long hard road, with NPD BM making my life a misery for over a decade, and DH not having my back.  I would have left had things not changed for the better, but finally my DH had an epiphany in 2013 and realised that a lot of what I had been saying for years was true.  He no longer sacrifices me for the sake of kowtowing to his daughters. 

I'm well into my third decade of marriage to a man who was a non-custodial parent to three children by two women. 

I did not properly vet the dynamic before marrying DH, or understand just how deep and wide the dysfunction ran in his family. He avoided his family of origin, and I failed to note the significance of that. Having had a great relationship with my SF, I assumed I was prepared for navigating steplife. I did not have a clue about how different the experience is for SMs, especially when skids are female and dysfunction is present.

I was your classic overconfident, overzealous, loyal defender of the faith young SM. I put DH up on a pedestal, and set out to fix, fix, fix for him. His versions of events were gospel to me, and I never considered his ownership in his failed relationships with his exes. He was a lackadaisical parent, and I gradually overfunctioned more and more for him, believing I was being a good partner by shoring up his weaknesses.

The first EIGHTEEN years were filled with drama, either from skids or family. DH's family went from crisis to crisis - it was their m.o. At different times, two of the skids lived with us. Both times I did all the work, both times I was the bad guy.  It affected my heart, my self esteem, and my health. I had turned into a pathetic door mat people pleaser, and my own needs weren't even on the radar.

I finally had an awakening of sorts. I'd hit a wall, and had nothing left to give. I googled "I hate my SD", and found on line communities consisting of THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO WERE STRUGGLING JUST LIKE ME. I got support, got therapy, got real with myself, and stopped drinking the Kool-Aid with the in-laws. I disengaged - first from the skids, and later the in-laws.  I had always been afraid to admit what I knew deep down - that no matter how much I wished it and no matter how much I gave, the skids and in-laws would never love me or be loyal to me. And I learned that once you squarely face a fear,  you grow stronger.

So I changed, and as I evolved and grew it caused resentment. Stepping back from DH's people left a void. I wasn't facilitating for him or doing all the emotional labor, and this put our marriage on icy ground. I faced a lot of unpleasant truths about myself, DH, and our marriage. Gone was the pedestal, and I went through a period of time where I was very, very angry with him. I was on a journey of making peace with the truth, and he was on the outside. The marriage was shaky for a while, because I knew I could never go back to the way things were before and DH was getting a lot of pressure and manipulation from his female relatives.

Eventually, DH accepted that I would not be covering for him or handling his people for him. We never discussed it, but he knows on which side his bread is buttered and who has always been there for him. I don't cater to his illusions or make things easy for him any more. During my angry phase I was planning to leave him, and ironically it was BM1 paying us a visit who helped us get back on the same page (another story for another time). The last several years have been the most peaceful and stable of our entire marriage. DH is free to interact with his kids or the in-laws, but he doesn't because, well, because he's chronically detached and lacks the tools or desire to tackle the dysfunction. His issue, not mine.

I am not who I was before, nor am I living the life I imagined when I married. But I LIKE me now. I have been through a lot of trauma and drama, but I am stronger, and willing to make hard choices to ensure I have a high quality life. I'm older, wiser, and able to see the big picture of multigenerational dysfunction that is DH's family. Life is good, marriage is more solid than ever, DH puts me first. I'm one of the lucky ones.

We married about 1.5 yrs later and 2 girls cut off contact with day 1.5 yrs prior as their mum ran off with them but hubby always had sole custody of son.

we are 5.5 yrs on, ss behaviour is way worse, he emotionally abuses me and our 2 kids i had with his dad, he treats us all including his dad with utter disrespect, rudeness, arrogance, ignorance and believes he is entitled to behave this way and that its gonna kill him to change and the idea of him changing to be a better mannered respectful person brings on imaginary stress syndrome.

i have recently told hubby that even his 2 girls behave the same (they initiated contact almost 6 months ago), they claim they understand daddy has a new family and kids and they don’t want to cause issues they just want a relationship with dad but all 3 kids with ex try to play happy family intentionally excluding us and that hurts hubby massively

i have put my foot down and refused any family holidays involving his 3 kids, why would i wanna be on a holiday where we are treated with disrespect and like we don’t exist, i do not go on any visits to meet his lazy ass stepkids. They don’t make the effort to come see us but daddy plays taxi for a whole day driving to pick them up and drop them off. I told him thats a whole day he can spend with our little toddlers that he can rarely do during the week

we have a family wedding next month and originally his girls were coming along but hubby would pick them up. Our 2 toddlers don’t tolerate car rides and will vomit and so having to drive another direction to get his girls makes the trip longer and our kids sicker when they can just drive on their own if family were that important to them which it isn’t

i do not have ss at any birthday getaways for me or our kids or when we visit my dad overseas, nobody wants someone like him around with that unacceptable behaviour and attitude and i accept no excuses for that behaviour. Its really difficult when i have to play happy family at weddings or new year with the stepson

the eldest daughter thinks she can do what she wants with my daughter, untie her hair thats been nicely styled at family weddings, feed her chocolate at 2 yrs old while wearing a nice dress in a moving car when she is constantly car sick and when i say a firm NO she thinks she can answer “well i’ll gove a little then!” And then i have to shout no louder before hubby steps in and then its ok.

i have no respect for these kids and the fact they have the nerve to say mummy says i have to be present at meets (f*#k you and your mum) is all I really wanted to say.

it doesn’t always get better and in my case the 3 sk have a narcissistic manipulative mum as an example and they have guilted hubby into submission

its a slow process and hubby started disengaging from them the last few months. It actually confirmed what i knew all along and that is hubby and we don’t matter till the kids need something or favours and money and that hubby is being abused by them. They do not love or respect him, how can they when their mum never has so they’re exact replicas of mummy dearest and thats a stab in the heart to hubby.

i got to a point asking hubby if he want sour 2 kids turning into sk because hell no is that happening. I will not allow it and that was a major wake up call

i want nothing to do with these sk and i feel i would never be at their weddings with my 2 little ones just to play the image we’re one happy family for their sake, they don’t deserve it!!

We have been empty nesters for approaching 8yrs.

We met when SS-26 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.

I raised SS as my own.  His mom and I set the example of a couple who are equity life partners and put each other and the marriage above all else.  

We made him our top marital responsibility but never did he or anything or anyone else take priority over our marriage.

We lit a burning platform and pushed him to launch at 18 when he chose not to accept the mom and dad full meal deal college opportunity.

He enlisted in the USAF at 18.  8 years later he is doing well.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

The three of us are extremely close. We always have been.

His mom and I are having a great time being empty nesters.

His SpermClan was a manipulative PITA for the 16+ years we lived under a CO.  We nor he have heard much from or about them since his 18th bday.

All three of us like it they way.

Well I would say its worse. I met SD when she was 1.5 and I liked her better then. Now SD is 7 and she is fine just prefer to not parent her. Her mom is very laid back and not great at parenting and it makes it hard. If we had custody it would be easier, maybe? It is just a lot of teaching and coaching. Her mom treats her like an adult at her house and doesn’t set boundaries but then makes excuses if she gets in trouble like “she doesn’t understand or know” we have caught her mom in lies and its hard to be on the same page because of the distrust. 

I prefer not parenting at all but I know if we don’t she will be wild and every entitled and HELL NO am I having a kid talk shit or be rude to me. 

Anyway looking back, I don’t know I would do it again the way I did. I have two kids who I love dearly but I do find myself wanting to escape the SD situation. I feel like I have to hold back A LOT which makes me feel trapped. 

If I could redo it, I would have chased my career and moved to a different state to not have to do shared custody. I am now looking to move but I should have done it sooner. Some people may say oh well you knew what you were getting into. UM NO, there is no way I could have predicted how it is to be a SM or even raise a child.