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What DH should expect in future

Mommymode1985's picture

Submitted by Mommymode1985 on Tue, 08/09/2022 - 6:39am

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General Discussion

Sorry I'm posting so much I just really am trying to collect opinions bc I'm preparing to have a serious convo with DH.

I'm beginning to clearly see what I have to expect in the future regarding the SKs. But as far as my husband goes, when dealing with a lying manipulative junkie BM and twins who were neglected as children and behaviour is getting worse and worse, with his blindness. It could go 2 ways. 1, DH could try to fix behaviours and stand firm. 2, DH ignores behaviours and whatever may be will be. I know what each scenario looks like for me but in regards to your husbands, what did that look like for you? How did his choices affect your DH and his relationship with you and the SKs and the Bio kids? What does life look like when the steps are teens and young adults when DH stepped up and made a change, and what did life look like when DH did Jack shit nothing? 

I hope this makes sense. Thanks guys 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 08/09/2022 - 8:10am

if he does nothing his kids will likely have miserable lives...so will you if you stay.

 

I could not stay with a man who refused to parent his kids.. it is neglectful in it's own right

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Tue, 08/09/2022 - 8:43am

Ask him why he doesn't love his kids enough to parent them, to teach them how to behave in society, to give them boundaries and guide lines. Ask him if he understands that not parenting his kids, letting them do as they please, when they please is going to make them pretty well unemployable because they are never going to accept having a boss and taking orders. Ask him how he imagines their future without friends because nobody wants to be around kids who have no manners, who think they're always right and who consider others to be mere underlings. Ask him why he doesn't care. Why doesn't he have enough self-respect to parent his kids to be at least presentable, to at least be able to be taken to places without causing offence or embarrassment.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 08/09/2022 - 6:11pm

I was the StepDad spouse to the CP mom.  We agreed from the get go that we were to be equity life partners and as such we would be equity parents to any Spawn in our marriage regardless of spawn biology.

As it turned out, SS-30 is an only child in our marriage. We raised him together when we married the week before he turned 2yo.  Our efforts were to raise him to viable adulthood and do what we could to protect him from the toxic manipulations of the SpermClan.

If you and your SO are not equity life partners and equity parents to all kids in your home/marriage, the outcome is iffy at best. For the kids and for the marriage.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 08/10/2022 - 11:10am

Husband and BFF sit in the garage watching movies together.

SD16 stays in her room only coming out for bathroom breaks or if hungry. If hungry, she pokes around the kitchen and plates herself some grub then pops back in the room.

Last night I hit the wall. After working all day, shopped, prepped, cooked a fully dinner. Then husband and skid popped in and grabbed what they wanted and no thank you no nothing.

Tonight not going to cook dinner.

SD16 doesnt cook for herself unless there are o leftovers and doesnt help at all. Husband will cook. Then Im fine with the regular popping in and out. Its when I do it I get resentful.

I just see Husband as wharehouse dad. Whatever will be will be. He sais hes tired of trying. SD23 Feral Forger still has no license. Barely works. Lives on Toxic Trolls couch. SD16 just trolls around no job and no permit and no help around the house.

I dont see her going to college either.

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Mon, 08/15/2022 - 11:21am

I mean I could tell you how positive my own situation is going, but I don't know how the comparison will help you/your DH in your situation. Maybe your DH wants to give up because he does not know what his options are. Find some resources on "Parallel Parenting" and let him read it. Remind him that whatever he doesn't parent now, will come back full circle quadruple fold with those twins and it would be more cost efficient and less harming for their futures if HE parents them instead of society. Set out a plan for how he can tackle things such as provide him a calendar with important holidays and dates (dr. appointments) written on them so he can come up with a way for HIM to get them there. Look up milestones for the twins age  and see if they meet those standards and if not, how to get them where they need to be. If they are younger they might have a neurodivergency (add/adhd/etc) that is causing them to act out in behavior when they are struggling. I always say that if the children are young, there is time to change the path. If they are pre-teens/teens then the best thing you can do is "nacho" or leave completely because you just can't undo certain things. At the end of the day, their dad sets the tone for how this is going to go so whatever he is "okay" with is what will continue; and if he is "okay" with you being unhappy with how things are going with his children, then you need to leave now. 

nappisan's picture

Submitted by nappisan on Wed, 08/24/2022 - 12:44am

my DH did jack-shit and the SS12(now15) got worse and worse and we split up , this was over two years ago now and i couldn't be more grateful that happened.

I stayed way too long ,, i think about 4 years too long ,, dont make the same mistake.  The chances of DH standing his ground and doing what he should are extremely slim. Just be prepared for nothing to happen and you will need to make the desicion if you are ok with the way life will be