How not to Hate
Hello Everyone. I am new to this sight. I was reading a bunch of the blogs and thought I might get some advice from others like me.
Last September my 14 year old SD moved in with my husband and I. When she moved in we had no clue what kind of trouble she had been.
Were were just told by the BM that she just needed her dad. What a line. SD didn't know we were in discussions with her mom about moving her down here with us. While we and the BM were working out the logistics of it all, my SD ran away from home with a 17 year old boy who had many psychological issues (self mutilater for one). My husband raced up there to find her and then bring her here. That cost almost $300 for him to go up there and do all that. When she got here we found out that she has been skipping school, running away from home, failing, and having sex all at the age of 14. Man what did I get myself into. Moving her in cost us thousands of dollars because we had to get new furniture, school supplies, clothes etc. You name it we had to get it. We put strict regulations on her dating. Of course noone more that a year older, can't go on a date without a parent until she was 16, not allowed in a car with another teenager till she has her drivers license too, can't be at the boys house or anyones home for that matter without a parent being there and for no more that 3 hours at the boys house. Not even a month later she had a boyfriend. Really nice kid. Met his parents they were good people too. And he was the same age as her. Thought she just might be on the right track. Her grades started coming up and stuff like that. She was doing stupid stuff on the computer and lost her computer a couple of times and she broke the rules on her phone and lost that too, but that is typical teenager stuff. I caought her and her boyfriend rubbing on each other on my couch infront of my 7 year old boy. Then in April she was caught with her boyfriend having sex in the auditorium at school. She was kicked out of school for over a month (we had to get a babysitter for her, more money) now is not allowed at her home school she has to go out of district. I refused to drive her everyday because I work and cant do it. She just has to ride her bike 3 miles to and from everyday reguardless of the weather. Her actions will not punish me. She needs to be the one to be punished. We found out that her and her boyfriend was having sex all over the school and at sneaking out of his parents house to his friends and having sex there and having sex in the den of his parenst house with his 6 year old sister in the room. She was no longer allowed to see or talk to the boy. She really acted like she had learned a real lesson. She really started to work hard around the house and do whatever she could to make it up to us. She went to couseling and we had her write a report on every STD out there. Then she had to report it to us. After she went to her moms house for a month in a half during the summer we found out she was having her girlfriends 3 way him. when she got back here she lost her phone again. Again she started to act like she learned her lesson. A month later we found out that she and this boy were using their statis updates on their myspace to talk to each other. No no computer at all and all accounts are closed. I forgot to mention that through all this she has lied about everything. We had to practically beat the truth out of her. What are we going to do? Then the day before school started the boys mom called us. I had to return the call. I gave my SD the opportunity to tell me what was going on, so I wouldn't be blind sided. She said there was nothing. During the conversation with the boys mom I found out that while my SD spent the night at a girlfriends hous they snuck this boy in. When i ask my SD did she have sex with him she said no. After about an hour of pushing and prodding and threatening I finally got the truth. I am at my witts end with this kid. I am sick of the sneaking the lieing and all that. Please remember that I am just giving everybody the watered down version.
My problem is that I have come to hate this child. I can stand being around her. As soon as she comes in my sight I get angry. I try to stop it but I can't. She absolutely disgusts me. Help me!! How do I not hate her.
i feel for you, as i went
i feel for you, as i went through the same thing with sd18. we come in blindsided to a terrible situation and then try to fix it and it just seems to backfire on us. at least for me, i lost all my energy trying to get this kid back on track and whenever we put down some guidelines, she ran back to bm and everything was lost. it didnt get better until i was able to pull back and focus on myself and my marriage first. dh was so into guilt parenting he just let stuff happen and it really angered me. until i was able to let go some and let dh deal with it, it ate me up inside. dh finally put a stop to it and now sd18 cannot come back to our home until she starts therapy and helps herself. we have issues with ss16 too, but he's different story and i'm learning yet again how to pull back from it and handle it better this time around. sd18 doesnt even live around here, but hearing her name still makes me cringe. but it really did get a lot better once dh took on some responsibility himself. it doesnt seem fair or right that these skids can just run around and do what they want-but dh has to deal with it directly with you as a backup. thankfully thankfully, this forum exists so we can blow off steam, get some advice and support, and start to focus on ourselves again. hang in there
DH helps some but he is
DH helps some but he is trying to make up for years of not being part of his daughters life. I tried for years to get him to fight to see her but whenever her BM blocked whatever he was doing he go hurt and backed off. Afraid he will lose what little he already had. So needless to say he gives in more easily than I would. I am a firm believer in tough love. Especially with a child who wont learn any other way.
He did have his eyes opened when I told him that I thought SD wasn't going to her after school club. I thought she was sneaking around with that boy. Then not even two weeks after I said that we got the call from the school. She has a way of manipulating us into believing she doing better and then wammo we get smacked in the face with something else.
The bad part is she is trying to divide my dh and I. I know all this sounds silly but she is always by his side and won't let me or my son have time with him. She gets home at 2:30 my dh gets home at 1 and my son and I dont' get home until 4:30/5:00. When we get home she and dh are parked on the loveseat and don't move until bed time. I can't sit next to him and my son can't sit next to him. I go outside to try and talk to him and she comes out and sits right next to us, so mine and dh's conversation is over. She glares at me whenever I walk by and smurks when I try to be with my husband and can't because she is around. She knows what she is doing. She seems to be doing better behavior wise at least to dh. I know it is just a smoke screen and is setting us up for the next upset. I am guarding myself but my husband is giong to fall hard when it happens
Trying not to hate is very
Trying not to hate is very difficult. I have a SS17 who lives with BM, but he lived with us for about a year when he was 14. OMG! He was very much the same way... constantly lying, inappropriate computer use, etc. After much time and energy spent trying to provide discipline and structure for this boy, I disengaged. I stopped doing anything for him. At first, the hate kept building up inside me. Then I started to become resentful toward DH (I think I just needed to project my anger somewhere). Finally after two years of disengaging (and SS returning to live with BM) I don't feel anything. No hate. No resentment. It is what it is and I can't change the situation. I can only change how I react to it.
As these teenagers become young adults, our relations will continue to change. I hope that yours will change for the better. Good luck!