Husband finally opened his eyes!
Hope everyone is doing well! It has been an insane month I can't believe how fast it has gone. My husband is finally starting to see the truth about everything surrounding his daughter, BM, and his own faults as a parent. It has been a nice change and I finally feel like we are on the same page.
A few weeks ago we put the kids to bed early for the night and had a quiet dinner together. My husband apologized for being so mentally checked out and not being very supportive during my pregnancy due to all SD's antics. He admitted that he did parent out of guilt and that he turned a blind eye to her behavior because he was so afraid that SD would cut him off if he disciplined her. He said he now sees what a huge mistake that was and how it contributed to SD becoming a spoiled, disrespectful brat. He also told me that he should have listened to me and how right I was all through the years ( gee, thanks but life would have been better if you had listened to me 10 years ago).
The morning after I gave birth my husband did send SD a message letting her know she was a big sister again and the baby was born. He knew he likely wouldn't hear anything from SD but just thought that she should know (he still sends a message weekly or so but no longer begs her). About 4 hours later BM texts him and just loses it on him. She sent a nasty text about how SD was hysterical and he has ruined their daughter's life. How he didn't make time for her and SD as a family of 3 and try to win SD back. BM also told DH he ruined everything and this is all his fault? Then she started demanding more money. She wants $140 extra every single week for SD's therapy. SD has been in therapy for about 6 months and out of the 100 therapists and counselors in the insurance network provided by my husband, BM selects one that doesn't take his insurance. This is the first we have heard about it in 6 months. So it is obviously a bunch of bull.
DH was furious. He knows she is lying and he sent BM the list of therapists and counselors covered by insurance and told her to select a new one. He also reminded her that she has withheld which therapist SD sees and does not disclose any information which is against their CO. He told her he will not be paying for those appointments and any future medical bills have to be sent from the provider he will not just give her money when she demands. DH also let BM know that SD's behavior was unacceptable and that he was no longer going to coddle and spoil her. As for "time" for their family of 3 DH said no way and it is disrespectful and will just confuse SD. DH finally put his foot down and BM so far has not replied it's been a few weeks ( I'm still wondering what her revenge plan will be).
My husband wishes things were different but he said he accepts it and will focus on what he has and it's time to move on. DH no longer blames himself and he realizes that BM is also more involved in this than he initially realized. He seems genuinely happy again and back to normal. We still don't know what to tell our other children. We slowly packed away SD's room and turned it into a homeschool room and they have rarely asked about SD since. They are still very young and I'm sure we will have to discuss it in the future. If anyone has any advice on how we should have that conversation please share.
Hopefully from here on out things will keep going smoothly and we won't have any back slides!
Great news.
As for how to approach the situation when discussing it with your young children... go with the facts in a sequential age appropriate manner.
1. Your dad was married before and had your older sister with his XW.
2. Your older sister is not your mom's child but she is still your sister.
3. Your sister's mom is not a nice person, she lies, and she does things to make your sister not like your dad, your mom and your baby sister.
4. Document, document, document. Then add more and more facts as the kids grow up and BM and SD pull their invariable increasingly crap as time goes on.
5. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And.... continue to box BM and SD in and bare their asses if they insist on contining their toxic crap or escalating it. Temper the interface with SD with the message that she is a loved member of the family and she can come back any time as long as she behaves in accordance with the standards of behavior that you and DH set for your home and treats everyone in the family with respect.
Bravo to DH on applying his foot to BM's ass regarding the "family of three" crap that she is spewing and polluting SD with. That family failed long ago and no longer exists in any form. Hopefully the new and improved quality parent DH can make some progress in saving SD from the shallow and polluted end of her gene pool by countering BM's toxic bullshit while protecting you, your children and the family you and he have made together from his failed prior family mistakes.
Next step.... DH needs to block any communication from BM that does not go through OFW or some ther court or lawyer monitored system. She can bare her own ass to the courts or she can go unheard.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck and congrats on that beatiful baby girl.
It's about darn time your DH
It's about darn time your DH took his head out of his arse!
I am so pleased for you. Congratulations and keep us posted on progress!
Congratulations on the birth
Congratulations on the birth of your DD. I hope the birth went smoothly for you. What a special moment!
I haven't told my DD2 about her older half sister yet. I'm waiting another year or two until she's old enough to have a conversation then casually slip it in that daddy was married once. But his other daughter lives with her mother who isn't a nice lady. Then just leave it there. Every now and then refresh it a bit but keeping it simple and age appropriate. To the point where by the time she's in her teens she'll never remember a time when she didn't know that daddy had another daughter but it'll be old uninteresting news about an uninteresting person. I've read a bit into the topic and what doesn't go down well is parents keeping it hush hush from their kids even if it's to protect them. Then they think "if my parent has lied about this all these years what else are they keeping from me?". The other tightrope for me to navigate is to make it perfectly clear to DD that SD's actions are from her evil mummy wanting to hurt daddy. Not because SD hates her. Fun times.
This is 100% about BM, as I
This is 100% about BM, as I hope he can see now. He should go no contact with BM, there is nothing he needs to respond to when the child is alienated. Reach out to SD here and there to tell her he loves her, and that's it. This is parental alienation at its most obvious, so don't give BM the attention she craves (and she will accept fighting if that's all she can get, so he's said his piece - no more arguing with her).
Enjoy your baby and your DH's new awareness. SD will be back.
My jaw hit the floor when I
My jaw hit the floor when I read that bm expected her ex to make time for her as part of his family... She needs to see a specialist...
That's what freaks me out!
That's what freaks me out! This lady is married and has 3 little ones in addition to SD. Seriously how does her husband feel about her plans and what about her other kids? She didn't seem this crazy when DH and I first got together.
Your husband's ex is the one
Your husband's ex is the one who needs to be in therapy because she hasn't moved on from this fantasy family that she has. My SDs BM has also told DH several times that he needs to "win over" SD. I think that she herself has moved on and accepted that my DH has moved on however she still seems to be living vicariously through SD in trying to make my DH chase her and try to win her over. he has said that he's not dating SD and not trying to win her over like a high school boyfriend so he has also kind of let it go as your husband has. the Disney dads who still take their kids on a labret dates and activities are the ones that have not accepted it yet and they are still trying to win over their kids. The thing is it's a bottomless pit and they will keep wanting more and more and learn to withhold affection and time in order to get it. It's emotional extortion.
I'm glad your husband has realized what a toxic influence that his daughter is. It is a relief when they finally come around and realize it.
My husband was saying yesterday about how SD won't answer any of his messages that he sends. He says that she is very spoiled and that is why she acts the way she does he knows that she's fine and just trying to be dramatic. It took him a while to realize that she would only talk to him around holidays or if he sent her gifts. Their relationship changed when he realize how transactional it was.
Seriously!
These divorced moms are ruthless. Just reading on here and so glad I am not alone. You are lucky your husband stand up.
The crazy part is she is not
The crazy part is she is not even divorced! It was a month or two long high school fling that resulted in a child and DH and BM split up before SD turned a year old. So they didn't have this long relationship. DH was the one who ended the relationship and she never quite got over it. You would think after all these years and her getting married and having more kids that she wouldn't be interested anymore or she would atleast be to busy to care about our lives.
Wow! Took long enough but
Wow! Took long enough but glad he got there! DH and I are expecting in April. Our BM is just as psycho and waiting for her to pull some kind of stunt when she finds out. How was she when you were pregnant? We are trying to avoid the unnecessary headaches from her! Sadly, I'm sure she will brainwash SD about being a big sister. "You're being replaced" etc. etc. etc.
BM was upset when we had our
BM was upset when we had our first baby since we were pregnant at the same time but she was mad I was due a few months before her. So during that pregnancy we dealt with "that's not your real brother" thing. We didn't have any problem from BM when we had our second and third sons. We didn't have a problem when we announced our 4th together until we found out the gender. When we found out it was a girl all hell broke loose. SD freaked out BM freaked out. BM blamed me, then DH. SD would tell DH that he was a "deadbeat dad replacing her" so I'm pretty sure she got that from BM.
Congrats on your pregnancy I hope your situation with SD goes smoother than mine but you never know with these crazy BM's.