Husband is mad at me!
After all kinds of drama I finally got my husband to make my 17 yr old stepdaughter sit down with me and the three of us talked (for almost 3 hours!) about why what was going on was not ok and what we expect from her. My husband and I both talked about how much I love and care for her, as I always have, and how hurtful an innapropriate her behavior has been. She admitted she does not have a reason to dislike me but that I do in fact mean nothing to her and she is not interested at all in having a relationship with me. She said she will do anything she has to do to get kicked out because she doesnt want to live here. At the end of the conversation he got her to agree to try and tone it down and drop the attitude. He then hugged her and wanted me to join the group hug which I did not. My husband is mad at me and says I am being childish because I am still upset. He is extremely upset with me. We have two kids together and I do not want my marriage to end and I am in the process of setting up counseling but does anyone have advice for how I can explain to him that I am hurt and upset and that as far I am concerned nothing is going to change? She wants to continue to ignore me and be completely ungrateful to everything I have ever done and he finds this an acceptable solution. I know whe is a teenager, but she has put me through hell and she is not a kid she almost a grown woman and knows exactly what she is doing and saying. All the advice I have gotten on this forum is to disengage and I want to do just that, I give up! I spent 8 years trying to build a relationship with her and if she hates me then I give up. I am so upset he does not understand this. He is putting me through this by making her live in our home and 11 more months will be hell for me.
A little history: I have been stepmom for 8 years and prior to this past year we have gotten along great. My husband refuses to let her move out until she turns 18, 11 months from now. Her mom said she cant live with her but her maternal grandma wants her to live with her. My husband says no she is staying with us until she is 18.
Which part of it is not clear
Which part of it is not clear to him, it sounds like she said it very clearly!
I'd sit him down and say, I know it's hard for you to see her changing, but for now, I'm going to step back and disengage from her - it's what she says she wants and I need it as well. Perhaps when she's older, we can rebuild a relationship.
Then do it - but warmly. So you stop doing what you do for her, but you are still kind, polite and warm to her. He'll get over it.
Disengage from her.
If you mean nothing to her. Then she mean nothing to you. ??? So do nothing for her. Don’t wake her, No lunch, No dinner, she can make her own. NO taking her anywhere, NO buying or spending money on her. No gifts, NO high school graduation, NO 18 Birthday. She. MUST be out after 18 Birthday, Your SO can go live with her, if he wants.
Just bad parenting, I can understand not wanting her to leave until after she is 18,, But he should put his foot down, She doesn’t have to like you, but she has to respect you. Most Likely too late now. For SO
I'm glad the three of you
I'm glad the three of you tried to talk through some things. I think that it's perfectly ok if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you.. you are not her mother. However, she still needs to abide by basic rules in the home and one of them is that we treat other occupants with respect. Now, that doesn't mean she has to sit down and have coffee with you.. or tell you about her day. You can both co-exist in the home without having some warm and loving relationship. Common courtesy is expected.. following rules is expected... but on the flip side, you are off the hook from doing things for her benefit. Cooking meals for the "family".. of course she can eat.. but will you go out of your way to fix her favorite? or pack her lunch? nope.. she has made it clear she is old enough to make her mature and independent decisions.. so she can also live by her choices.. that means you don't contribute to her financially.. don't go out of your way to do things for her. Dad takes on the majority of the discipline and you only step in if it is an "in the moment" situation that can't be put off until he is around.
I think the hug was a ridiculous idea.. I think it is fine to say.. you don't have to have warm feelings for me, but while you live in our home.. I expect you to be civil to me. I will return that favor to you.. but from now on, I will abide by your wishes and stay out of your business and allow you to care for yourself without my help or input. I'm open to a better relationship in the future, but I am not going to force you into something you aren't comfortable doing.
Your husband is being
Your husband is being ridiculous, unreasonable and frankly, unkind. He said you are being childish because you're still upset? A girl you have loved and cared for over the years told you she has no interest in having any relationship with you. OF COURSE you're upset. Your husband would need to be emotionally stupid to not understand why you would be upset, and unkind to accuse you of being childish. And a group hug? With a girl who has just announced she wants no relationship with you? That's just ridiculous on his part.
I hope you get a counselor who understands the dynamics here who can knock some sense into your husband. Your SD does not need to want to have a relationship with you, she just needs to be kind and respectful. And in turn, you don't need to do a thing for her other than be kind and respectful. Your husband, OTOH, needs to stop acting like an idiot.