Husband won’t make skid be responsible for chores!!
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I’m at the end of my rope!
My 12 yo SS (only child) has zero responsibilities around the house. The only “chore” he does is most of the dishes after dinner. I have asked my husband nicely for YEARS for him to back me up and create some sort of chore chart. As in things that SS is responsible for doing without someone having to ask/nag. I feel so angry and resentful. Several years ago SS had one chore, to wipe down the sink and toilet every other week when he is here...well guess what? He only did it about half the time, and there was zero repercussions. I’m fact, the only one who really suffered a consequence was me because I’d have to do it. Does anyone have any pointers? Help!!!
SS doesn't really have chores
SS doesn't really have chores in our house, either. Then again, he's 4 1/2, as compared to us adults and my 3 teens.
I still make him do things here and there, though. He's like my minion right now. I ask him to put something in the garbage for me, to get me something out of the fridge, to get me the spatula, things like that.
DH doesn't say anything about it... because he gets a bit of a break from ss when ss is following me around. Like I told DH... if I'm stuck having ss follow me around while I'm cooking / cleaning whatever, then he's going to help me. lol
Joining the above. No chores
Joining the above. No chores here either and btw, the chore chart failed because DH thought it was 'too hard' after several months of success and then SD14(then 10) told him it was so.
I make DH do what they don't. I don't ask them to do any clean up. I don't do any dishes or cooking when they are with us (50% so not inconsequential).
If your DH doesn't agree and also be the main chore supporter, it'll never work.
I can't even get mine to require SDs take in the mail from the mailbox they walk Right By on the way in to the driveway!
HA HA!! Ye Olde "You are TOO
HA HA!! Ye Olde "You are TOO HARD on my kids." or "You're a meanie" "You're too strict!"
A derivative of "You don't like my kids." Yep I think we have ALL heard those words!!!
Ditto here. When Partner and
Ditto here. When Partner and I were married and SD lived with us, it was the same deal. No chores, no expectations of help, etc. What made it worse was that my Partner is a hoarder, and would not even allow me to pick up things on my own. That is part of the reason we live separately now.
We used the expanding chore
We used the expanding chore list model. For each thing the Skid didn't do on time and in accordance with minimum standards... we added more to the list the next week. }:)
Eventually he enlisted in the USAF!
A burning platform tactic works like a charm to get them to do their damned chores.
If the breeder parent in the blended family marriage doesn't enforce the chore rules... they can do the kid's chores.
Hey Rags, I find this method
Hey Rags, I find this method works for eating vegetables as well. All kids must take a "no thank you" bite or they'll get more. Of course my bios were introduced to vegetables at an early age and not just fed "kid friendly" junk as so many kids are today due to BFFing parents.
I always find it peculiar how
I always find it peculiar how many parents and SParents these days have lost track of the former child raising fact that kids do what they are told when they are told.
We raised SS that he had to have a bite of everything on his plate. He didn't have to eat all of what he didn't like but out of respect to the effort put into preparing the meal... he had to try it.
Fortuantely... the kid was a food garbage disposal and there wasn't much that he wouldn't eat... except mushrooms. Which is odd because when he was a toddler he loved them. After a visit to my parents when he was about 8yo and watching my dad expound on how much he detests mushrooms... the Skid would never eat them again.
I would really like there to
I would really like there to be some consequences for not doing chores. Though SS has never really had any consequences for any of his actions. If he think DH is critical or disapproving of anything he does he starts sulking and whimpering about it until DH talks him down. Someday this kid is going to get hit with reality, and it won’t be pretty.
Yes, but as the old adage
Yes, but as the old adage goes: "You can't care more about a child than does their bioparent."
This applies of course only if the bio parent is in the picture.
As others have advised, start making your husband do the skid's chores.
1. the chores will get done (unless your husband is a big kid and doesn't do them)
2. it forces your husband to deal with his kid's own irresponsibility--which is EXACTLY where the blame lies--on the bioparent NOT the SM
3. if your husband is a quick learner, he will soon start instituting chores and consequences; if he is a slow learner, he will continue to do the chores himself, playing "step -n- fetch" to his kids (which will cause you to lose respect for him--but no more so than you have due to his failure to parent his own child).
I forgot 4. If he balks and up and leaves with his precious pumpkin, then your life just got a lot less complicated and you have been called to peace!!
SS16 has no chores and
SS16 has no chores and doesn't lift a finger around the house. He also has no common sense and cannot do simple tasks correctly. He's a total bonehead. He asked DH last week for help to open the bag of shredded cheese because he didnt know how, and then left the bag of tortillas open to go bad in the fridge.
And DH wants this kid driving? God help the drivers here in Cali. I'll have to send out warning flares if it ever happens.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters, unless the bio-parent is on board you will get no traction. My DH still makes excuses for SS20, who lives with us and goes to school. SS20 does nothing to help out around the house, and DH is always there, "well he has to study, blah blah blah."
SS20 is so selfish and I believe a lot of it has to do with having zero chores growing up. He's never around to help, he spends his nights and weekends doing what he wants to do and when he gets home SS20 literally runs to his room and shouts "I have to study" and closes his bedroom door. I know he does it to avoid us and the fact that we may ask him to help. He watches TV on his laptop, DH is so gullible.
SS16 on the other hand always offers to help and waits to be excused if we don't need his help. And DH still makes excuses for both SKids. DH ends up doing a lot more chores because of this.
~BettyRay
My SD's now 18 and 21 live
My SD's now 18 and 21 live with us fulltime always have are the same, this has been an ongoing battle in my house for years! My SO won't make them do anything or hold them accountable for anything, they know his threats are empty because they all ways have been, I constantly say to him if you are not going to follow through with your threats, don't threaten them! They have never had consequences for any of their actions even though they are always threaten and that is why now at 18 and 21 they don't give a shit and do nothing and I can't stand them. I don't blame them I blame their dad but I still don't like them very much.
I did what Evil 3 did I disengaged from the whole thing I stopped cooking a year ago as I refuse to clean up after them and I refuse to have to clean before I can cook. I have taken to pushing their mess aside cooking what I can cook with the clean appliances available just for me and SO then I clean my mess only and walk away, but mostly I have taken to dropping into the pub on the way home for dinner, ordering in for 2 or making him cook. We never have any falks spoons plates or cups because they are all up in their rooms. He keeps making excuses for them, rightfully blames himself but for all the wrong reasons. I told him I will not cook for them clean for them or do anything for them ever again because I'm not the made never have been, it's about time they grew up and moved out. I'm at my wits end with the manipulating, narcissistic, entitled, silver spoon bitches. The house stinks real bad but he won't do anything about it, gives them money to go but them selves dinner because they don't want to cook in their own mess, WTF man stop!
I refuse to live like this forever. I told SO just yesterday that shits about to get real and I'm either going to buy a lock to put on one of the cupboards and going to buy appliances utensils plates etc and locking them in there so when I want to cook I always have clean undamaged stuff to use and that I was going to take everything else away and only leave 2 plates, 2 cups, 2 of everything for them, OR I will put a lock on the door that enters the kitchen and lock them out so the only part of the house they can access is their rooms, enough is enough, they don't pay rent and they don't contribute in any way. sort it out SO or I will, his reply "I'm trying I need time", my reply "Time"? "how many more years do you need! your time just ran out" fix it or I will!
I am actively looking to buy another house one that is actually mine too and we will be down sizing drastically, I want to get a 2 bedroom (3rd bedroom will be the spare room not up for discussion!) about an hour out of town, if they want to live with us they have to share a room hahaha and have to drive that far each day, this drastic move is in hopes that they won't to come with us, time to grow up childish adult SD's SM has had enough!
This was my nightmare last
This was my nightmare last year. SS (21) would do nothing.
I even thought maybe he simply didn't know how so I taught him.
I hung notes up. That didn't work. I thought maybe he couldn't read so I hung up notes with pictures. A toddler could have figured it out.
My DH and I fought all of the time because I was constantly nagging him. My rules were few and all I wanted him to do was keep his room clean, do his laundry and clean up his own dishes.
He was defiant. It was more important to him to not do it.
I stopped cleaning. That did not work.
My house stunk so bad from his bedroom.
Nothing absolutely nothing worked. He wasn't going to do it and he didn't do it.
DH would talk to him and SS ignored him.
Then because I couldn't take it anymore I would clean the entire house including his room.
So very glad that he is gone from our home.
It will take your DH to provide tough love to accomplish this task. And if he is not doing what you ask of him at 12 it will only get much worse.
He has little respect for you, his father or your home.
My SS had zero respect.
Good luck to you.
I did not read all the
I did not read all the comments but yes here's a couple of pointers!!!!! (keep in mind I'm a ocd bitch)
Every one in the house get's something to do....e.g
You:
Cooking dinner, what ever you want, only one meal, no special meals for picky eaters, either you eat what's made or you eff off..
SS: clearing the table after dinner, ensure plates are clean for wash, left overs in containers for fridge
DH: Wash dishes after dinner, you cooked you do not clean as well
Now listen care fully - you did your part, disengage, you give a shit if SS does his part, if he does not do anything his Dad will be doing it for him... and you are all over DH for doing what's suppose to be done for the evening.
SS has to take out the trash and ignores it - guess what DH will be doing it for his son, SS laundry - well either he does it himself, or it's not done at all, or his father can do it, If you have your own bathroom, who cares if SS is keeping his bathroom clean, you are not using it so be it... ban DH to SS bathroom and say, boys share... or simply tell DH, we are having people over please make sure the bathroom is cleaned, either DH tells SS to do it or he does it himself.
We call this disengagement, you stop doing everything for every one, you leave the parenting to DH and the chores to DH, if it's not done you have it out with DH, ignore SS, it's DH's responsibility to ensure it's done, either by his lazy ass brat or himself.
Since I implemented this in the house, things got bad, SO started fighting with me cause he had to do everything, I did nothing, I was sitting on the coach and doing nothing, I always replied with - No one said you have to do it, you have an adult daughter in the house who can help you and who can clean her own dishes...... if you can't tell her to do it, then shut the hell up and make sure it's done..You might feel fine living like a pig, I will not...
Here, Here Acratopotes, I
Here, Here Acratopotes, I concur with your ruling It's the same in my house and WOW I feel so much better for disengaging, don't care how the rest of them feel! I now have more stress less time on my hands and I can put my focus back where it belongs on my son and his fiancé (who moved out of dodge over a year ago ) and enjoy more of their lovely grown up time.
«The only “chore” he does is
«The only “chore” he does is most of the dishes after dinner.»
Well, that's more than my SO asks his DD17!!!! :jawdrop:
Which is why I refuse to live with him until she is out on her own.
I don´t expect anything from
I don´t expect anything from my SD12. Only that she leaves on time, and does not forget anything (cell phone, clothe,etc..)
She does not talk to us, ignores us all the time. (She answers only yes, no, maybe, I dont know or remember)
It´s a living nightmare.
no it's a dream come true....
no it's a dream come true.... your SD ignoring you, this means you can live without her lol, enjoy it....
you have no idea what it's like having a SD that's always there, always trying to control everything, even where to holiday, always in your face and always trying to be center of attention...
Im having the same issue only
Im having the same issue only my skid is 8. He doesnt have chores but he never picks up after himself. He wont even put his plate in the sink. He leaves his coat, bag and clothes on the floor, shoes everywhere, etc. He wont even get a glass of water and wants his dad to bring it to him. I dont know what to say to you. I wish I had advice. Ive been considering leaving for over a year now. Im very unhappy, not because my SS doesnt pick up after himself but because I feel invisible in my own home, like Im the free maid/nanny/sex toy. I am not happy in this marriage. If I could give any advice it would be to get out if your husband does not listen to you or does not enforce rules with his child. It will only get worse as the skid gets older.
So you create the chore chart.
If DH won't motivate the 12yo to do his chores... then DH can do them. For every chore that remains incomplete, cross one of yours off for the the week. When they are suffering from hunger pangs, the dirty underwear blues, etc, etc, etc.... point out the chart and reiterate that they have a chance next week to get it right.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Pretty simple.