I am a Chinese, don't know how to get along well with stepkids.

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I am a Chinese, being in US for one year, have a daughter about 10 months old. My husband has 3 kids with ex,SD13, SS10,SD9. Before coming here, I just know every week my husband has to pay Childsupport to their mom who never worked again since she knew she was pregnant at first time.They are my husband kids too, no complaint about paying childsupport money. The proplem is that about 100 days a year, kids are here, and we still have to pay to their mom. My husband told me it's law, even unfair, we still can do nothing about it, and I accept it. What makes me unhappy is that we pay 260 a week and we have very good reason to believe their mom spend money on her, not kids. It made me mad when I see kids wearing unsuitable clothes, shoes or vey old ones. SS10 even wore the shirt of her second husband's, who is about 1.8m tall. SD9 wear pants more than 8cm longer and even her shoes perfect suit me. When I told them to wear clothes or that suit them, they said they'll grow to it and it saves money. But what they did is to bring clothes here to their mom and bring back when they are old. We need not buy any clothes for kids, but what happened before is SS lost his shoes while being here and their mom sued (a lot funny stories here), to avoid any further trouble, my husband said he will buy clothes and some other things here so that kids won't have to bring here and lost them.

Kid's mom told them a lot bad things about their dad. They've been divored over 6 years, kids did not know that actually their dad raise them, everything their mom bought actually from their dad.

Since my husband has to work a lot time while kids are here. Most of time I take care of them and grandma come to help most of time during summer holiday. They are good kids, but a lot habbits I really dislike. SD13 can never finish her plate when eating, even eating well-done bacon, she will leave some and said it's fat;Eating bread, she always take eges off and threw away. SD10 always make a mess about his toys, his toys are everywhere, even I told him to put up before going back to their mom, he did, but still I could find some here or there. SD9 is my favorite, I even told my husband I'd like to have her. She is smart, talented in sports. If she is with me, I'd spend more time with her, teaching her a lot things and get her trained in sports and she'd difinitely have a bright future. The proplem with her is that she is messy, always threw clothes, towels on floor, that's the proplem with SD13 too.

When they are here, always a lot more housework to do. My daughter is 10 months now and I am ready to look for a job, that means I would not clean up like before. I made some rules about them taking care of their mess, generally SD9 and SS10 listens. SD13, sometimes I even feel she is tring to fool me. Like last night, she was watching MOVIE on TV, I told her to turn off her computer during advertisment, she went back to girl's room immediately. But later when I pick up my daughter in girl's room, I found she did nothing about her computer. I turn it off and told her she did not turn it off, so I did it. She pretend did not hearing me, no respondense, and then my husband ask her whether she heared me, she said she thought she turned it off. Sometimes I am not feeling comfortable with this one. Now she moved computer screen to the otherside and sitting on SD9'S bed while surfing net. Further more, she used a blacket to make a curtain and completely "seal"her in a small space. I want to tell her I don't like what she did, want her move computer back, but don't know how to say it.

Along with that ADD the fact

Along with that ADD the fact that stepchildren or "children of divorce" are usually EXTRA spoiled b/c their parents are in a contest to see who can spoil them the most and "buy" their love. It's called "guilty parenting" _____________I absolutely agree with this. No doubt about their mom, using money we gave to buy kids, always asking kids whether they love her, or don't you love me any more? She even asks kids to take care of her and forget she is mom, suppose to take care of kids. Sometimes my husband like to spoil them and "buy" them by spending more money on them while they are here. I told him he needs more time with kids, not spending money to buy them. Besides we are short of money. These 3 have about double money to spend a week than what we can on groceries and dinning out a couple of time a week. We still have a lot money to pay for the house and I want to give my daughter the best too, but unfortunately we don't have that money now. Only 1 is working, and he has to raise 6(or I should say 8, she remarried 4 months after divorce, one plays music, about 2 years without job and rest part-time job) and pay medical insurance and bills.

Ha Crayon....

I was gonna post the same thing..."welcome to the reality of stepparenting"!

Computer reality.

In addition to the above comments I'll add that if the kids are with you for an extended period such as during the summer - a month or more - you can ask for a reduction of child support during that time. But its going to be very little and I don't think its worth a court battle.

Remember the mother still has to provide a house while the children are gone. The only savings to her is in food and a little utility like water or electricity.

How she spends your husbands money is not under his control as long as the kids are being fed and clothed. Even the poor stuff you mentioned is OK.

I would tell your husband if he were here that kids should not have a computer in their room. First it increases the chance they will become addicted to it. And I guarantee they will start looking at things he does not want them to look at. Always keep the computer in a family area such as the living room or dining room where anybody walking by can see the screen.

That is very important.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

Things are quited different

Things are quited different in China. Usually when one wants divorce, he or she'd compromise a lot in property to get divorce, otherwise, the other party would not sign the paper and disagree for divorce. A lot would give up all property to get divorce, and one who has the kid in most of cases don't get the child support money from the other, so there's no money issue, but usually stepkids reject stepparents, and always trying to be mean to stepparents. However, once they accept steparents, they can get along very well.

Each of kids has a computer here. SD13 has computer in girl room, rest 2 have computer in boy's room. My husband told them to keep the door open while using computer, but now SD13 turn computer the other side, so even the door open, we have no idea what she is doing online.

Oh, something wrong with SD13'S computer. She did try to turn off her computer, but have to click several times to make it off completely.

You've got some challenges

You've got some challenges ahead of you. I don't know how stepfamilies work in China, but they are very complex scenarios here in the US.

1) Your input will be appreciated when you are doing nice things, like cooking for the kids, cleaning up after them, babysitting them, shopping for them, spending fun time with them, coming up with ideas that will benefit them.----------What I feel is that they do appeciate what I did nice to them for a second, but once I don't agree with their request, they'd be mad, and say something like"nobody cares about my feeling" or "why everybody is so mean to me?"

2) But everyone's radar will go off really fast as soon as you expect them to behave differently, mention money as it regards to them, try to make changes or try to get your husband to make changes, speak harshly to the stepchildren or do anything that makes the stepchildren feel rejected, hurt, angry, resentful (almost impossible to avoid), unwanted or unwelcome. And almost anything you do that isn't fun will make them feel rejected, hurt, angry, resentful, unwanted and unwelcome.

So, ideally all of your behaviors would be in the #1 category and none from the #2. However, that's not realistic. And it's not something anyone can do. So as soon as you show behaviors from category #2, you run the risk of making your husband mad, challenging your marriage and pissing off your stepkid._____________the good thing is my husband stands on my side if I have any issue with Skids. He knows I am very reasonable and he knows his kids.

You might be told by your husband to back off, or to stay out of it. ___________My husband did said he does not want to get me involved with any conflict between him and kids' mom.

My advice would be to stick around here.________I can't stick around, especially during summer holiday, they are here for 4 weeks, and my husband has to work during working time. I have to be fully responsible for kids before he comes back.

Thank you for replies! Can

Thank you for replies! Can any one tell me how you'd face and solve this problem?

1. Money___I has no job now, so only one is working and he has to raise 6. I told my husband several times I never felt so “poor” in my life. I mean I never felt so short of money all the time. Since we started working on burget, our debt finally slowed down. When kids are not here, we spend 150 a week for we 3, my husband, daughter and me. When they come on weekend, we spend 200 a week. If kids here for one week, then 300. Credit card is only used on gas. Whenever I think that the Skids has 260 to spend a week, while we only have 150 for shopping a week, I feel a little frustrated. Extremely feel unfair that we still pay when kids are here. It really makes me mad when kids are wearing unsuitable clothes, shoes. SS10 even wore the shirt of her second husband's, who is about 1.8m tall. SD9 wear pants more than 8cm longer and even her shoes perfect suit me while heSS10 even wore the shirt of her second husband's, who is about 1.8m tall. SD9 wear pants more than 8cm longer and even her shoes suit me. When I told them to wear clothes or that suit them, they said they'll grow to it and mom told them it saves money. So I am curious to know how you’d feel in my situation. Am I self-fish to feel in this way. What should I do when Skids are here and my husband is spending more money than burget to buy Skids’ love?
2. How to say no to Skids. I am the one who does not know how to refuse other’s requests. When Skids request this or that, unless I have very good reason, my answer is always yes. And now they know it and always ask me for permission. A lot times I give them permission even I really don’t want to, and I had a feeling of being pushed by them. Today I told them as long as their dad home, don’t ask me any more. So I want to know how you say no to Skids. I can not tell them no, and when they ask them why, sometimes my husband simply say “because I said so”. The other reason is that once I say no to them, they can be mad, say something like “why everybody is so mean to me”, “nobody cares about my feeling”, Hearing such thing makes me mad.
3. How to deal with Skids bad habits? SD13 can never finish her plate, after she eating, I can always find something dropped on floor. Well-done bacon, she still pick some out and claimed to be fat and refuse to eat; Bread, she’d take eges off and throw away;eating chick wing, a couple of bite, she’d pick up another one. SD9 always refuse to eat breakfast. When she could not finish plate, she’d say it will cause her tummy ache. SS10 threw his toys everywhere, no matter how many times I told him put them back to original place before going back to his mom, still some left out of his room and a lot he just mess his cabinet and then close the door.
4. How to deal with Skids when they do something you extremely dislike. For example, We need not buy any clothes for kids, but what happened before is SS lost his shoes while being here and their mom sued (a lot funny stories here), to avoid any further trouble, my husband said he will buy clothes and some other things here so that kids won't have to bring here and lost them. What Skids do is taken clothes here to their mom without asking, and bring them back when they are old. Two days ago, I found SS10’S 2 shirts (90% new) and a short pants(we bought not long ago and he wore in total less than 1 week) are gone. I was very angry and told him he was not allowed to touch computer until he found where they are, and if necessary, he could call his mom. He told his mom he was punished for lossing clothes, and his mom immediately called my husband and blew off.

Thank you for all good

Thank you for all good suggestion. It's unfair that "kids" have 260 to spend while we only have 150, but there's absolutely no justice in this world, right? I should accept this fact and not think about it any more.

My husband does keep an eye on kids' plate since I mentioned, and it's getting better, but he can't supervise them every meal. I'd accept their habbit at table too.

About clothes, I did not explain it clearly. Both Kids and their mom knows the rule that clothes from their mom go back to their mom, and clothes here stay here. Probably they like clothes here more, they bring back to their mom on purpose without asking. SS10'S missing clothes are at his mom's home and he promised me to bring back next time. What I am mad at is he and his mom knows the rule and still did it and took us as fool. Actually SS9's several shirts are missing too, but I don't remember which one. left shirts are old and has tiny holes on it. we have to buy her new ones. If it were not my husband mistake, these clothes would not missing. We went to his mom last time before kids went back to their mom last time, we packed their nice clothes, and on the way back, he made the mistake and let SS10 took the suitcase belong here. According to what SS9 said, BM went over all clothes and said some belong to her place, but no clothes in that suitcase belong to her house. So SS10 & SD9'S really nice clothes are gone, and I forced the SS10 to bring back clothes I still remember.