I hate not knowing what's going to happen

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Many of you have been following along with the last few crummy months that my partner and I have gone through in regards to BM's request to move out of state (three hour drive) with SS/SD5. The judge gave BM permission to move with the twins and gave my partner 30% custody time. So long as BM is in this area, 50/50 custody continues.

My partner (and myself) have been down about the judge's decision. It's caused a lot of tensions in our home. Our lawyer said that a reconsideration or an appeal wouldn't do us any good; she suggested that we move to the same area as BM and hope that we can get 50/50 custody there, too.

Well, we're now juggling a lot of eggs:

1) My partner has started looking for a transfer to where BM wants to move. There's a chance he can stay with his current company but it's only a chance. I agreed that if it comes to that, I'll go with him. This means that I'm going to have to restart my grad school applications for another area, though.

2) BM has a house valued around $400K. She's been dropping the price but still, no takers. The average cost of homes in our area is around $125K -- there's a good chance she's going to have a tough time selling. Also found out that her potential employer would repost her job on 17 Feb if she isn't in the area by then. The heat for her to move is high.

3) She agreed that if we move to her area that she would be willing to continue 50/50 custody without taking it to court. She's even offered to put that in writing. (Our lawyer said that would go a long way in court if it should come down to that again.)

I can't say that I like the idea of moving, but if I'm able to still get through grad school, my partner has a job and maintains 50/50 custody, then the hassle might be worth it. It's not like I have any friends or family in this area... I'm sad we'd be moving further away from my partner's family. They're really great and super supportive... I just wish I knew what was going on. I hate feeling helpless and clueless.

There is NO WAY IN HELL that

There is NO WAY IN HELL that I would follow our BM around the country like that (but that's me). I suggest to stay where you have support, friends, family and work/school. What's to say that things won't work out where she's moving to, and end up moving again. Would you follow her again? Our BM moved far away and it was the best part our mine and FDH's relationship!! He still got to see his boys and we didn't have to deal with BM's constant drama! Now we have full custody of them and things are good

I don't want to follow her

I don't want to follow her around the country, either! But under the circumstances, I'm not really sure what to do. My "home" is actually 1100 miles away -- I have no friends or family here aside from my partner and the twins. The best I have here is that my faux in-laws are a 3 hour drive away and we see them every 6-8 weeks. If we move to where BM wants to be, the distance to my partner's parents will be a 7 hour drive, sadly.

When I've brought up "What happens when BM wants to move again? Are we going to follow her there, too??" The responses I get are something like: "I can't be a dad from three hours away," "BM is a bad influence on them (which is true) and it'll only get worse from three hours away," "[City that BM wants to move to] looks like a better place than we're at anyway," "Maybe things with BM will get better if she's somewhere she can be happier," AND, my favorite!, "You're putting me in a position to choose between you and my kids!" From what the lawyer made it sound like, we have zero chance of getting full custody of the twins and the only way we will see them more than the 25-30% that the court granted him is by moving closer to BM.

After a decade of going to college on and off, I finally graduate this May. But after that, my ties here are rather loose and can be "easily" changed. (I say "easily" because, well, nothing in this situation is actually easy...) Personally, I have three choices:

1) I go with my partner and I have a pretty good idea what I'm in for. I sorta doubt that BM is going to try anything like this again anytime soon because the job she's after will pay off her $175K student debt so long as she's there for the next 7 years. And yea, sad as it is to admit this, the area that BM wants to move to is probably a better place for all of us... I'm only here because this is where my partner and his job are.

2) I stay here even if he leaves. That means I am here alone and, to be honest, I don't really want to be here alone. I have no family here (aside from my partner and the twins) and the friends I've made here are sorta superficial. I'm in my 30s, I'm a homemaker and a full-time student. The people at my college are all 18-22. I've not been able to make meaningful connections with people since I moved here two years ago.

3) I move back "home" where my family is. Truth is, I don't really want to be around my family. The dynamic with them is really unhealthy -- my five other siblings try to avoid them, too. My relationship with my family improved when I moved 1100 miles away -- they disappoint/depress me less.

I don't know what else to do. I don't think I've cried or drank this much since I buried my best friend. There's no good solution to this and it seems like moving might be the "best" option available to me.

Would you believe that all I

Would you believe that all I want to do these days is sleep and drink?

There's a strong likelihood

There's a strong likelihood that where BM is going, I'll have better grad school and career choices. So on that note, yes, a move there may be in my, my partner's, and the twins' best interests.

And you're right: If BM wasn't in the picture, I'd probably not be having so many problems with this right now. I get to be one of those rare steps that has a great relationship with the kids. (I don't know how I did it, but they adore me! The feeling is mutual, of course.) But I *really* dislike that woman. She's a ****ing nightmare at times.

I told my partner the other day that I think my biggest problems are that I'm scared and I was upset that I was only allowed to answer "yes" in regards to this.

..........NO If he can't be a

..........NO

If he can't be a dad from 3 hours away NOW, LATER he still won't be. Meaning if stuff for BM doesn't work out at that job, & she moves again - you will move. Until the kids are grown, you'll be tied to BM by a rope. Where she goes, the kids go & your partner goes.

You may as well be sisterwives or something, the influence she has on your life.

Again.... NO.

You are: not yet in school;

You are: not yet in school; have no friends; family; job; husband yet you don't want to move.

Is there something else going on? To tell you the truth I think you want that kid as far away from your boyfriend as possible. Perhaps unconsciously I suppose but you want to finish your school and start your own career and dream family without this 'distraction'.

I have to question your loyalty to this guy. He's got to stay close to his kid. As close as possible. You don't understand yet - your maternal gene has not been activated yet. His paternal gene is going full speed.

Read closely: think your feelings over very closely. Be brutally honest about it. If you cannot support this guy in his quest to stay bonded to his kid then you need to let him go and do what you should have done in the first place. Find a guy with no kids. There are zillions of them, a lot of them right in your current location. Don't give this guy grief, guilt and tension over doing what he simply must do.

I'm starting to think that

I'm starting to think that you've got it out for me. I don't think anything I could say to you would result in anything other than "you want that kid as far away from your boyfriend as possible."

I don't really get it. I love those kids. They love me. I actually spend more time with those kids than their biological parents do. Yet I have no "maternal gene" and I'm preventing my partner from fulfilling his role as a father? I fought like hell with my partner to keep them here. Hell, I agreed to MOVE WITH HIM if it comes to that. Yet you come to my post and say things like "you want to finish your school and start your own career and dream family without this 'distraction'."

Because I expressed some hesitation about moving I've become, to you, some sort of wicked evil home wrecker. I moved 1100 miles to be with my partner. I'm homemaker and a full time student. (Yes, I'm ACTUALLY IN SCHOOL -- RIGHT NOW. I was accepted to a grad program locally but I won't be able to do that if we move.) Because I'm a homemaker, my partner is able to spend more time with his children than he would've been able to without me here. Marriage or no marriage, THIS is my family.

Stop harassing me. You think you've got me pegged, but you don't.

Ignore them. Sounds like a

Ignore them. Sounds like a troll to me.

From your posts I think you'd do danything to stay near your SO & the kids. Including going with him.

It's ok to feel like you don't want to uproot your life to follow BM around. It's ok to want to finish your schooling. ALL OF THESE FEELINGS ARE OK. That other poster sounds like an angry BM.

Your SO can want to stay close to his kids as much as he wants. IF BM doesn't want to allow it, she will make it impossible.

i agree with the bottom line,

i agree with the bottom line, but you got the whole thing backwards. this young woman has turned herself into a pretzel for this man. her bf needs to be single. it's not HER JOB to support a boyfriend in his "quest" to stay bonded to his kids. she deserves a whole man, willing to put her first, and this aint the guy. and honestly, NO woman deserves this. i wish men with kids weren't ALLOWED to date, let alone re-marry.

>>When I've brought up "What

>>When I've brought up "What happens when BM wants to move again? Are we going to follow her there, too??" The responses I get are something like: "I can't be a dad from three hours away," "BM is a bad influence on them (which is true) and it'll only get worse from three hours away," "[City that BM wants to move to] looks like a better place than we're at anyway," "Maybe things with BM will get better if she's somewhere she can be happier," AND, my favorite!, "You're putting me in a position to choose between you and my kids!"

These would be red flags for me
1. he didn't answer your question
2. You did not do this - BM choose to move

I'd have to get these settled before I would even consider it. Sounds to me like he's willing to leave you behind & A guy like that is not worth your time.

prepare yourself...when you

prepare yourself...when you base your life around the whims of another person, you will NEVER know what way your life is going to go. you hate not knowing? your whole life is going to be not knowing. I can't even begin to imagine all the little things that your life will revolve around, but one thing is certain: YOU will never be in charge.

My thoughts are on the same

My thoughts are on the same lines as simifan. You don't
Appear to be a consideration to your partner here. His kids. His job appear to be all he considers necessary to sort out. You. well you can do it his way, or you can stay. He's made it clear what he's going to do. I'd say you are last on his list but I'm not sure your even on his list. If you were he'd be sitting down talking with you about your feelings you opportunities. And he
Definitely wouldn't be making subliminal threats about making him choose between you and his kids. Make no mistake that was a bullying tactic to get things his way. It worked. It wasn't fair.
I think you should start thinking about this in the same manner that he has. From your eyes only. If this move benefits you do it. If it doesn't
Don't. But you had best start looking out for you because no one else seems to be.

I think you should move for

I think you should move for you, and for nobody else. There is no way in hell I would pick up my life and move because BM did. He can't be a father 3 hours away? Hell, my DH had a longer daily commute than that. That's a drop in the bucket. Obviously he can still be a father, if he's getting 30% custody, most of it just may be in larger chunks during non-school time. My exH lives 20 minutes away from me and only has DD 13% of the time. She still thinks the world revolves around him and loves him terribly, so it has had no ill effect on their relationship.

This is about dads anxiety.

This is about dads anxiety. He should've given this at least
6 months to see how everyone settles down. But from the moment the judge said BM could've he started planning to move with her. Fine if he was single. He's not. He has his new wife to consider. I think him trying to put this on SAHsigh is not a good sign. She has been nothing but supportive of him. His contribution and appreciation of that.....to try and make her feel bad by saying she is trying to force him to choose between her and his kids. That remark was untrue, uncalled for and a veiled threat to make her fear that if she didn't do what he wanted he would leave her. That is emotional abuse.

agreed

Partner spoke with BM today

Partner spoke with BM today and found that even if she loses out on the job deadlines for 17 Feb, they've got another opening for her that will be around until the summer. I'm coming to terms with the fact that we're moving. It's a bitter, bitter pill but it's the best I can do.

I will (most likely) have to put grad school on hold until we're settled in. He's going to actively try to transfer to a different region and we're casually house shopping. I'll be continuing as a homemaker while I look into grad school replacements. I can't say that I'm energetic about repeating my homemaker status in a new place but, maybe, it'll help me find somewhere I feel comfortable? I know the kids are going to need me around... They'll need continuity and I'm in a good position to give that to them.

I held my breath and jumped off the cliff when I moved here two years ago from 1100 miles away. I've gone through happiness and depression for that decision.

Holding my breath and jumping again...

The good news is that I won't

The good news is that I won't be transferring credits. Transferring credits always means losing something. I was supposed to start on the fall but it looks like that won't be happening. Since I'm bound my location, getting into a good grad program is tough. I was accepted to a PhD program and those are already competitive. There's another I can apply to around where BM is going but still, they're really competitive and applying to them is already expensive.

I'm just going to have to revise my plans in order to match what my family needs now. I'll look into a master rather than a doctoral program... I'm sad to see the opportunity go now but I guess it'll be an option in the future? In the mean time, we think about work for my partner, a house for us, and making sure the kids are close. I have to put my plans on the back burner again...

This really sucks no matter how many ways I slice it -- for all of us.

Great. My partner shares

Great. My partner shares these gems with me:

1) the feb 17 deadline for BM is that they open the job they offered her up to other candidates but she remains their top choice.

2) even if she doesn't get her house sold in time for the 17 feb position, there's another position they're offering her in the summer to replace a worker that's retiring.

3) the company my partner works for will not be able to transfer him to the region BM is moving to. He will have to find another job. Another job means that we lose the benefits that he has: generous retirement package, stock plan, the company vehicle, and medical coverage for me.

All of this on top of everything else that's already happened is just, well, a lot to swallow. I really need some good news -- stat.