I just lost SD :(

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Hi all,
Its such a long story and I have already made another post describing the situation so Ill try to make this short. Dh and I hae been married for 4 years and we have 2 toddlers. He has a daughter (9) from a previous relationship. The BM is still angry that he has left her with a child and still trying to ruin him-us now. It has been so much drama that I dont even know where to begin.

Anyways the latest is that SD found out that DH and I and the kids are going to my parents for christmas and her mom took this and created a huge problem where she finally completed her mission in alienating SD from me. SD hasnt been coming over for over a month now and thats all DHs idea. Hes been spending one on one with her to try to reverse the damage. So after a few weeks of him and her spending 1 hr per wk on his days, today I met them at a park so we can talk. SD ran away from me and started crying telling DH to take her home now. He was talking to her away from me trying to make her come but she didnt want to, she was very angry and i could hear her saying "i dont trust you anymore" and "take me home now"!!!

I was shocked and honestly that broke my heart. I have been nothing but nice to her ever since DH and I met and I moved in with him. His ex has alienated SD from DH before we met but now as we reached our 4th year anniversary and going strong his ex is trying harder and harder to break us up and sadly now using SD as a weapon. DH got an email from BM of SD face down om the floor crying to show him how much he "hurt" her. So hes kicking himself right now for that..

We wanted to tell her that we miss her in our house and that we need to be a family again, all of us. DH has been telling her that soon she has to see me and talk to me and that she needs to start coming over again and that the days of just him and her are over now, that were married and she has a brother and a sister and we all should be together.

So the question is what now? DH doesnt know what to do and says he needs to see a councelor. IMO no one knows your situation better than yourself and anyways SD is already seeing a councelor at school and BM now wants her to see a professional one. Thats basically telling her is that she has problems. God this is a big mess. I forgot to mention is that SD doesnt want to accept the change and wants it to be like when it was her dad and her and no wife and siblings. And the root of it all is her mother. To me shes ill and tptally damaging SD.

DH thinks that he should let some time pass by and not see SD and hopefully she opens up and wants to see him and then he will have to tell her its all of us or nobody. I dont know...

On the other side this has been so stressful on me, Ive been having heart palptations, nightmares etc. Im a SAHM of 2 little ones and need to be at my best for them. I just cant take this anymore. And one person is creating all this and its his ex. And shes messed up SD. Ughhh!

Hiello, Ive heard about this

Hiello,
Ive heard about this book but DH and BM have never been married and SD has never seen them together so Im not sure if this book is about our situation.

And I have been really stressed out because I see how DH is stressed and that affects me, Ive always been a really emotional person and I do care a lot about others. Also seeing SD cry and run away just brokemy heart even tho shes not my child she was part of my life for 4 years.

The first time DH spend one on one with her after she told him she hated him he came home white as a ghost. He was so frustrated and after a few beers he took it all on me. U know all this is coming from BM because its obvious that she cant forgive him on and now his new family has to pay the price. He said that he never thought that this would be so difficult, hey it would of been easier if the woman was normal.. yet shes now paying him back using his daughter. Its just ugly and shes hurting SD by doing that and one that SD will probably resent her for alienating her from us.

And let me tell you a lil background on BM as how shes's really out there. We got married and a month later she got married(she wasnt even engaged prior), I got a black SUV she got one, I get an iphone she gets an iphone, I dye my hair diff color she does it too. She used to live abt 40 mins away and she moved in our neighborhood about 5 mins away from us. Before we got married she asked SD for the place were gettin married and she drove to it with her?! Not to mention she celebrates her anniversary with her husband there wth?! She also has an issue with my age as she always leaves angry emails and voicemails to DH saying how Im half his age (im in my twenties, shes in her 40s) and she always would say stuff about my looks and from all this its obvious that shes jealous. I was as blessed with good genes and bounced back in shape after 2 kids yet shes still has her baby weight 9 years later - I dont mean to offend anyone Im just trying to explain what a wacko the woman is and how obsessed she is. Why not focus on herself and leave me/us alone, I have seen her maybe 3 times in my life.
She bought SD a phone when she was 6 and had her take pics and record our conversations. Can you believe this? :O She even had her write down things that she hears us talk and we used to find notes around the house and ask SD what those are and she would start crying.

Even her DH asked her once what her problem is with us as my husband went to pick up SD and BM told him infront of SD to get the f out. Not to mention that shes been constantly threatening him that shell "take every penny of his and hell never see his daughter again".
Oh wait one more thing, she hired a private eye on DH when they broke up. :jawdrop: :? And let me tell ya, this has been happening long before DH and I met. DH told me that when SD was 3-4 y/o he would go pick her up from kiddengarden and she would scream and run the other way.

Talk about the movie Fetal attraction and Obsessed. Ive read on so many stories on here but havent come close to this

I also think shes really angry that DH went back to court and they reduced his CS. I stay home with the kids, she has a bachelors degree yet she stays home and does nothing all day just to be a stay at home wife/mom like me. And before DH and I met he told me that she worked. If I was capable to make a lot of money and my child was 9 I would be out there working my butt of to help my husband and to show my daughter that I can also provide for her and not just rely on CS every month.

Follow or copy and paste the

Follow or copy and paste the link below and get the book.

As for the kid if the counselor is competent the counselor will soon discover that its the BM causing the problems and once s/he tells the BM it will be the end of counseling for the kid. The BM will pull the kid out like a potato from a hot oven.

As for counseling for Dad it can't hurt but may not be of much value. As for yourself you need to disengage from the kid who has turned toxic for you. The reason or the person to blame is irrelevent. Explain to your husband your intentions to disengage and why it will be best for his relationship with his kid and for you and the other children. Daddy is fighting a losing battle as he only has the kid at most 2 out of 14 days. My advise to him would be to stop contact with the kid except for the usual holidays when I would only send a card. In time, it may be years or even a decade or two, the kid will realize who the real enemy is and if she has courage she will re-establish contact with her father. Its heartbreaking but a fact of divorced life.

You can find out more about disengaging here: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Edition/dp/0061863262

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned," William Congreve (24 January 1670 – 19 January 1729)

Thank you! The thing is

Thank you! The thing is they're not divorced, they've been together for 3 months and she got knocked up thinking he would marry her. She has even told his friends that shes set for life. And when he left she errupted like a volcano and up to now shes angry and thats the part that I dontunderstand.

I posted more info on a reply to another user here. I also think DH should take some time away and not see SD but Im not sure if he can do that..

The only thing that has been

The only thing that has been lost in this situation is your husband's balls. What adult/parent allows a 9yo to dictate the terms of the parent/childl relationship? The CO should have a specific visitation schedule and if the Skid is not on time to visitation DH needs to throw BMs manipulative ass in jail for contempt each and every time SD does not show.

How can you or DH counter BMs toxic PASing influence on SD unless you both grow up and take control of the situation, insist on the CO's visitation schedule and enforce it rather than cowering to a toxic hag and a 9yo little girl.

In this case what DH and you need is a zero tolerance perspective on enforcing the CO and the counseling that you need is from a pit bull no bullshit take no prisions lawyer who will take pleasure in being your weapon for shredding BMs toxic manipulative ass.

No 9yo would do what your SD is doing without direct manupulation by an evil idiot adult.

So, both of you and DH need to put a hand between your your own legs, grab a handfull of sack, squeeze firmly and go kick some toxic BM ass with every legal, moral, character and factual tool at your disposal.

And for damned sure you and DH need to quit letting SD play you like cheap dolls. If SD wants to lay in the floor of YOUR home and scream, cry, bang her head on the floor, etc... then she can but she does it according to the visitation schedule in the CO. Eventually she will learn that her BM is a manipulative POS and it is your and DH's job to support that realization process by keeping SD fully up on all of the facts of her BMs behavior including a periodic age appropriate review of the CO, contempt charges against BM, copies of her manipulative e-mails showing SD wailing on the floor, etc, etc,e tc.... BM is feeding you every tool you need to kick her ass with.

Now sack up as a couple and do it!

All IMHO of course.

^^^^^THIS^^^^^.

Thank you. Wow about your

Thank you. Wow about your story as well :O
Thats what was happening lately in our house. SD would come over in a bad mood and be in a bad mood because theres also 2 more kids here now and shes not the center of attention. She doesnt want to share nothing with her sibblings and she tells DH that she wishes it could be him and her like before. She doesnt want to help with anything, my daughter is 2 and shes already helping me throw diapers in the trash and little things like this yet SD would say No I didnt make this mess there for Im not gonna cleain it! DH would tell her it doesnt matter who did it, we all live in this house and we all help eachother. Then she goes back to mommy and tells her that we make her do so much and her mom tells her wow youre like Cindarella in their house.

Lol I love love your answer.

Lol I love love your answer. I keep telling DH that SD got him wrapped around her finger and he gets mad and tells me that If he follows the CO and brings her home itll be worst for her and that she will scream and cry and shell get even more damaged and he doesnt want to do that. This is why were in a situation like this. Because before I came along, he would even spend the holidays with her mother, they would trick or treat and stuff together as hes saying that he did it because HIS mother was making him feel guilty and telling him to do it for the kid. So for 5 years he has been sooo nice and BM was manipulating him and now SD is starting to too. Its mindgobbling to me how he even allowed her last night to scream at him like this, I mean shes 9 and she already has an attitude? What will happen when shes a teenager??

He says that shes an innocent 9 y/o and that she acted that way because shes poisend by BM. I have conversations with my parents and they also say that hes wayy too good and that SD has found his soft side and is hanging onto it. I mean after last night he took her to get ice cream to "calm her down". Im sorry but I also have 2 kids and I will never get down on their level like this. Were the grown ups and theyre the kids that should listen to what we say and not fight back.

^^^^^^AND THIS^^^^^^. SA,

^^^^^^AND THIS^^^^^^. SA, you are so smart and helpful. i love reading your responses.

I agree with all of this

I agree with all of this excepting "But when you have a kid who is hell bent on making her father pay." I don't think the kid genuinely wants that. I think she's parroting bms words and actions.

Seriously THIS!!!! Listen to

Seriously THIS!!!! Listen to us....We have made these mistakes and it is so much better when these Steps are not a part of our daily existence.

Thank you for your reply, I

Thank you for your reply, I love a lot of things that you said.

The thing is DH and BM were never married and SD has never seen them together yet the situation is acted as if they were married. Anyways like many of you on here said, I will focus on this house and let DH deal with SD. At the end of the day I can't make him decide on what to do with his daughter.

You said something that was the highliter of this message. When she is a teenager it will get worst. And this is what I have been telling DH and he says "let it be". He thinks she will change as she will have her own mind and wont let BM brainwash her. The thing is she is already turned against us and add puberty hormones to it it will get worse for sure.

Like I mentioned to a previous poster here, I also have a step sister and when she was a teenager all she was calling my father was for money. It was a very similar situation, she was alienated by her mother and my parents had tough time until she got older.

COunseling is needed, but

COunseling is needed, but probably won't work. Certainly didn't for DH. Long story, but let's say that the kid manipulated the counselor. Also, I don't think you need to be there. MY DH sees his daughter once in a while, but I do not go. She is a PIA and I know she is manipulating everyone and my mouth will say everything that needs to be said. But, she is not my kid, she is his, I do not need to have a relationship with her. I never need to.

This kid is 9, she is working her way up to be a real brat. Good luck with that. My best advice, is for you to stay out of it and let your DH handle whatever relationship he has with her. BM has given her all this power and she will not let it go. Biggest mistake you made was letting the kid dictate when she saw dad and not following the CO.

SD16 turned 14 and we were served with papers the following week...She sued us to live with mom....We spent thousands fighting it only to give up after a year. My resentment is high with this kid. Yours will get there, since DH and BM have given her all the control.

Seriously, stay out of this mess. She is 9 now, can you imagine what she will be like in 5 years? Parent your toddlers, let DH handle this.

Thank you. You're right I

Thank you. You're right I should stay away. I tried my best. I also was thinking about her in 5 years when shes a teenager. I have a step sister and when she was a teenager all she would call for is money.

Now she has her own mind and she is so close to us and actually doesnt talk much to her mother because she realized what a wacko she was over the years.

"But when you have a kid who

"But when you have a kid who is hell bent on making her father pay." I don't think the kid genuinely wants that. I think she's parroting bms words and actions."

I totally belive this. We had this very same thing happen. BM poisoned SD9 against DH and I for most of the past couple years. It got to where SD wouldn't come over at all, and didnt even want to spend time with DH alone. BM completely PAS'd that poor kid. We got extremely lucky and DH won custody of SD, so she is with us ft now and we have mostly deprogrammed her (6 months almost) so she now sees that we are not the horrible people BM made us out to be. She is in counseling now, as are DH and I. She will not talk about her feelings much, even to the doctor though. And now that she HAS realized that her own mother lied to her about many, many things, she is hesitant to speak to or see her now. BUT, we wont keep her from speaking to her or seeing her when the time comes. We DO NOT speak of BM at all to her, no brainwashing, PAS'ing, etc.

I'm sorry about your

I'm sorry about your situation & I would like to share my honest yet blunt opinion with you. I just lost SD- no, she was never yours to lose.

This is a good time for you to sit back & think of the issues that you do have control of. You have control of your actions as a wife, as a birth mother, work if you have a job, how your house looks, & maybe even a pet.

You appear to be a loving person & a parent, I believe your DH can really benefit from having your support right now. Some guys are comfortable seeing a counselor, if your DH is one of them- I would encourage it then. I would listen to what DH has to say as in what he wants from the messed up situation, his approach in handling this, & the chance to be a dad his way.

I have learned the hard way which almost cost me my moms life, my life, & marriage in between. I tried to control my DH's approach to do what I thought was the right thing. All we as step mothers can do, is be there for our partner & care for the family/household that we do have.

This will sound negative but its meant to be positive. I suggest that when it comes to your SD & her BM, always expect the worst & hope for the best. That way you can't be let down.

Hope it helps

Thank you for your reply. I

Thank you for your reply. I know she has never been mine but we had such a great relationship and it makes me sad that it has gone so bad now because of her mother. If her mother trully cared about her feelings she would never do that. Alienating IMO is abuse.

I think the BM can learn some

I think the BM can learn some valuable lessons from you. Its hard to understand how or why a parent will use a child as a pawn to get even, what they want, gain control, & etc. I see parents doing that all to often sadly speaking. Its great that you pay attention to your SD's feelings, she is lucky to have you in her life & I pray that you & her will someday be very close again.

((((((hugs to you))))))

Well she is an innocent

Well she is an innocent angel. Kids are angels born with no hate in them, just love for their parents. Their brains are like mold and we can sclupt them and create them as what we want them to be. I think its a crime to alienate children and people should be jailed for this because they get really messed up and will probably have problems when they grow up.

When I met SD she was 4 and I remember she looked at me as her barbie doll. She loved me so much and we had so much fun. And I am sure her mother wasn't happy with that and she probably thought Im taking her daughter away orsomething.

Then we got married and had children on our own and thats when BM and turned everything upside down. She realized how serious we are and started the problems. I really do miss SD and some of you here say that I will resent her for the drama that we are dealing with but I don't resent her and I dont blame her for anything because her mother is the root of it all. I have 2 children on my own and I see how they take on my word for everything and I try to be the best parent for them because I know that one day they will be just like me. Kids are very smart and pick up on everything and when a parent is messed up and hateful they pick up on the negativity and turn that way too.

Whatever is meant to be it will happen Il leave it at that..