I need help and advice!

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Hiya everyone,
I'm very new to this forum. But am thanking my lucky stars i've found something like this.
I apologise if this is a long post, i'd just like some general advice and help.
My situation to date, is that i met a man (we'll call him R.) 7 months ago who is 22 years older than myself, we got together very quickly and are madly in love (aah!). He is currently going through a divorce (his 2nd), and has two young children (9 and 11- plus a teenager from the 1st wife- but he's not on the scene). The ex-wife is...how do i put it...sod it, she's a nasty peice of work. Vindictive, selfish, you name it. She had an affair and moved out when i met R. and took the children with her, but she's using them something awful against R. She wont let him see them, she tells the 11 year old about the sex toys she found in mine and R's room (she's broken into the house on two occassions, yes it WAS her marital home but is not anymore). I mean, who tells an innocent 11 year old child that daddy's got lots of sex toys in his bedroom, and she's found his girlfriend in bed with him naked? This poor kid still believes in Santa Claus! She's screwing those two kids heads up something awful. So much so that the children have clocked on and are determined to live with their father (who is currently going through a custody application).
Anyway i've met the kids once and they are delightful. We all got on very well, but i know she is doing her very best to get them to hate me.
I can't even express in words how vile, horrible and messed up in the head this woman is. Myself and R. are desperately trying to maintain the peace and be the bigger person, but i am so stressed out that i am spending every day with a throbbing headache, literally shaking with rage at her constant pathetic antics (something happens most days, i wont bother writing a list).
I love R. dearly, more than i love life itself. He is perfect in everyway (yes i know i've got those rose tinted glasses on). No but really, he is a wonderful person. But the whole situation is making me crumble.
I'm a nervous wreck. Should i be in this situation at 22 years old? With a man who i will never have the chance of starting a family with (he's had a vasectomy), or have the chance to marry? (mention marriage and he goes white). My head is all over the place. One minute i'm curled up in his arms feeling like the happiest girl alive, the next i'm reading solicitor's letters from his ex who LIES like you wouldn't believe! Thinking...i can't do this...
What next?
Do i go with the flow?
Break it off now before we both get really, really hurt (and are in too deep), and his kids are fully involved?
Murder his ex-wife and go to prison for the rest of my life? (Ha-ha!)
Or what? What to do what to do...
Help!!!

Hopefully without coming off

Hopefully without coming off as patronizing, I would say you are waaaay too young to be dealing with this shit...and I think you know it, but the relationship feels so good right now.

I used to hate when people used to say to me: You'll feel differently in a few years. But now I know it's true.

Run! Run hard and fast and furiously! You will regret it if you don't! This woman will make your life hell. The kids (who you aren't that much older than) may resent you. You won't have kids (which is fine if you don't want them, but I knew I NEVER wanted kids...EVER...until I turned 29 and started wanting them - I'm 33 now and am getting REALLY itchy). You even indicate that he doesn't want to get married again.

Have fun for awhile if you want. But don't look at this as long term. By the tone of your post, it kinda' sounds like you already know this deep down.

***Life - It's not a rehearsal***

Thank you for your advice.

Thank you for your advice. Everything you say is very true, i probably do know deep down but am not willing to admit it. I really, really want a future with this guy- i know he'd do everything to make me happy and we've got the same views on the world and want to travel etc. He's supported me through a lot, i'm a recovering addict, and working as an escort- but he's still there at the end of work everyday and wants me. Not many guys would be that nice surely?

RUN!! I will be 40 next

RUN!! I will be 40 next month-so I'm gonna speak from a mom's and gf point of view. i have an 18yr son, and 15 and 5 yr old daughters. When I met bf my youngest was just over a year old and his were just 2 and 3 yrs respectfully older than her. I was elated to know he had had a vasectomoy but on the other hand disappointed that we would not share that bio-bond. But we really do actually in my youngest one since he has been more of a father to her than her own actual biodad. I could never imagine at 22yrs old you don't aspire to have children of your own someday and no matter how perfect bf may seem he is so much older and seems like he has decided your fate already. I tell you this as I could only see never telling my own daughter to just do what makes her happy. I would have to point out the misery that could lie down the road in 5-10 years easily if not sooner. Think on it as you continue to do for you to discover what really is in store for you. I'm not being critical or a "downer" but happiness is supposed to be for a lifetime not just right now.

**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" - if you don't want to be a has-been in '10 where I'm concerned better get it in gear and catch up**

Okay. So you obviously have

Okay. So you obviously have a lot on your plate. However, if you found one guy that can accept your profession, there's gotta' be more of them out there.

Does the following ring true at all to you:

You feel like you would never be able to find someone that will support you as a recovering addict AND support your choice of career, therefor you better make this realtionship work because there is no one out there that will put up with it.

If that does ring true, then run. You can find other men and you are still so very young.

Also, you don't really have the same views. Presumably you eventually want marriage and a family. He doesn't. That's REALLY big. And you likely won't change his mind.

My advice: Go back to school. Obtain some skills and get a good job. Meet and marry a man without so much baggage. You have tonnes of time! Your life lays ahead of you. Go grab it!

***Life - It's not a rehearsal***

I have a degree, been to

I have a degree, been to university. The only reason im doing the job i am is because i was funding my addiction. However he's offered to support me while i look for something relevant to my degree.
Yes that statement does ring true. But i always think 'what if' for example; what if i don't meet anyone as good as R.? What if i can't have children anyway due to being infertile or something? What if im throwing away a really good relationship with a guy because im too weak to help carry his baggage, and am being totally selfish? I mean, look at him, he's risking A LOT with the baggage i carry.

Something about this

Something about this situation just screams "RUN!" And run fast!

I met my husband at 19.

I met my husband at 19. Married at 21. Now Im 26 an wish I would have had the sense to run at 19 or 20. Either way I think you should just let it go now. Im sure there are other guys out there who will accept you for who you are.

Listen, I know the 'what

Listen, I know the 'what if's' in life are scary. And if you need more time to decide if this relationship is right for you, then take it. But, to even consider that you may be selfish b/c you don't want to deal with this garbage is plain wrong.

You have to try to look at everything you would be taking on with him. You haven't really even lived the nightmare yet! You're only 7months into this relationship and if you don't realize the ExWife is just gonna' get worse than you have another thing coming.

Also, you met the kids only once and they were nice. HAHA! Read through these blogs!!! They all start off nice (I'm lucky...my SD is an angel), but most are not.

Then comes the parenting issues with both mom and dad! This is just such a hard life to live. Even if you don't have a psycho BM and crazy Skids.

You don't have to make any decisions right away. It's not like he's proposing. Take some time, get back on your feet and then take a cold hard look at whether or not this is for you. REad these blogs to get a glimpse at what you may be headed for.

Congratulations on becoming sober! That is a huge accomplishment and one you should be absolutely proud of. But don't for one second stick around in a relationship because you feel indebted to this man for helping you. He helped you because he had a choice and wanted to. You should never feel guilty for that!

***Life - It's not a rehearsal***

Wow i really didn't expect

Wow i really didn't expect this many negative replies Well, not negative, but brutally honest i guess.
I was hoping someone out there was going to say 'it does work, just stick it out- it's all worth it in the end!'.
I have come to the conclusion tonight (im sure it'll change by next week) that i'm going to stick it out for the moment. Im still desperately in love with this guy, and i've nothing to lose. (Well, apart from my sanity).
"You don't have to make any decisions right away. It's not like he's proposing. Take some time, get back on your feet and then take a cold hard look at whether or not this is for you. REad these blogs to get a glimpse at what you may be headed for." I think is really good advice, and that's what i'll do. He's good support to me for now, but i'll definitely take a bit more of a backseat and try to regain some independence rather than living through him.

Honey, I'm late to the

Honey, I'm late to the conversation, but would like to add my two cents.

I'm also going to tell you to run. But I know you won't. Because you're young (sorry) and idealistic, and young people don't have the life experience to know just how LONG a life can be with someone who is not well matched for them.

You love this guy, but you've only been with him for 7 months. Honey, every relationship I've ever been in, I was madly in love with them at 7 months.

Here are the red flags as far as I see them:

1) He is 22 years older than you, and has already had the life experiences that you crave (he's been married and has had kids). He does NOT want to do either again. You are not old enough to know just how painful it will be, and how bitter you will become, as you get older, attempting to spend your life with someone who will not give you those things. It's one thing to want kids in your twenties. It's an entirely different pain and desperation to want kids when you are 40 and you know the clock is running down on your childbearing years. This is a huge, huge problem that is only going to get worse, and may very well consume any remaining good will you two have in your relationship if you are still together when you are 40. You say you want "a future" with this guy. But you are not paying nearly enough attention to the fact that the future you want with him is not one he is going to give you.

2) "He's supported me through a lot, i'm a recovering addict, and working as an escort- but he's still there at the end of work everyday and wants me. Not many guys would be that nice surely?"

This statement worries me. Because it is evidence that a large part of why you love him is gratitude. And low self-esteem. You don't think that many guys would want you. And further down, you say "But i always think 'what if' for example; what if i don't meet anyone as good as R.?"

Come on, honey, you're 22. There is absolutely zero possibility that you will never meet anyone "as good as" him again. Again, this worry on your part is just plain a consequence of your being so young that you don't have the perspective of just how LOOOOOOONG life is. You will meet so, so, so many guys in your life. Saying, at 22, you're worried about never meeting anyone as good as him again is just silly. You need to do yourself a favor and never, ever, allow that thought to enter into your thoughts again as a reason to stay with this guy.

3) He is not even divorced yet. And his ex is completely in your business. She is only going to get worse, and worse, and worse with time, the more serious the two of you are. Now, if this were the only problem in your situation, I wouldn't be arguing that you should leave this guy. After all, when we get serious with someone, we all more or less agree to take on their baggage with them. But added to all the other problems, this is huge. This woman is going to be messing with you two for the rest of your relationship. She will hate you more and more all the time, and it's also possible she will start to turn the kids against you. My point here is, this stress is something that someone your age should NOT be having to deal with. It will consume a huge amount of your life, and a lot of your resources, to be constantly dealing with her.

4) You have met his kids ONCE. ONE time. And he is currently going through the process of obtaining full custody of them. Which means that you will be a full-time mom at 23 if this works out. With a man who expects you to be their mother in every way. And will not give you children of your own.

At the VERY least, you simply cannot make the decision to get any more serious about this relationship until you have had at least one year of "life the way it's going to be" -- that is, living with him as a full time mom to his children, with the ex-wife constantly trying to f*ck up your lives. Only then will you have any sort of appreciation of how your life will be for the foreseeable future. In the mean time, for god's sake, do not commit yourself to this man for life -- do not even move in with him until you've gotten to know his kids much, much better. At the minimum, you should not be talking about any kind of permanent future with this guy for another 2 years or so. And I would bet that, by then, your view of how rosy the picture looks will be a lot different.

Sorry for the bluntness. I'm only telling you this for your own good, as is everyone else here. We've all been around the step-block long enough to see the signs.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Hi BB, Thank you soooo much

Hi BB,

Thank you soooo much for you genuine, thoughtful response. Reading that was like having a light bulb moment, i needed somebody to 'sit' me down and tell me that. I know what you say is true, and im grateful i've now got some solid advice from you (and others) who are in similar positions and know what they are talking about. I tried to talk to R. about it, but he lives in a fairytale and says he doesn't want to believe any of it because what would be the point in continuing the relationship? It's true i guess.
I have been in denial and thinking way too far ahead, rather than just enjoying the moment. Which is what i plan to do now- but not get commited or plan any sort of future in the process.
Because i lost my parents at such a young age, ive had to become really mature, which is fine, but there's still a part of me inside that wants to be and act like a young person and R. is loading so much stress on me and i dont think he realises i shouldn't be dealing with crap like that. Apart from stressing me out the whole thing is making my view on life warped. My view for marriage has gone from wanting the perfect white fairy tale, growing old together blah blah, to, 'i swear to god anyone who comes near me is signing a pre-nup first!'.
As far as having kids is concerned, im already bitter now he'll never be able to give me a family, so i can imagine in 20 years time it'll be a lot worse.

The only thing i dont understand is; R. says that once the divorce is final, his ex will calm down. So why does everyone keep saying she will get worse? Is that really what happens? And why? She's the one who had an affair and left him!!! But saying that, if she cared so little about him, why is she causing all this havoc? I don't get it.

Anyway thanks to everyone, ive taken on board what everybody has said. Cross fingers im gonna be a lot more laid back about things now and not get myself so attached.

The only thing i dont

-------------> Typically, the BM's that had the affair and left are the one's who cause the most trouble. Strange yes, but if anyone would care to raise their hand as to dealing with this kind of BM, please feel free...***raising hand*** myself.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

Hi again, Seafree: A couple

Hi again, Seafree:

A couple of responses:

"I tried to talk to R. about it, but he lives in a fairytale and says he doesn't want to believe any of it because what would be the point in continuing the relationship? It's true i guess."

I'm not surprised your BF doesn't want to believe this or acknowledge it. For one thing -- all this is working out FINE for him. He already has EXACTLY what he wants: kids, the experience of having been married twice, and a young, hot girlfriend who he hopes will be willing to be a full-time mom to kids that aren't hers. Why on earth would he want to discuss the bad points? What is in it for him to acknowledge that there ARE any negatives? After all, the negatives are all YOUR issues not his. If he just lives in denial, maybe you'll stop bringing them up.

One thing I also would like to say: this guy is much, much older than you are, and frankly, those kinds of relationships usually have a power dynamic in which the older guy tends to dominate the younger woman. That includes brushing off the woman's concerns as not all that important -- or telling her things like "Don't worry about it, it will work out, it will be fine." That's also a red flag: if he doesn't take your concerns every bit as seriously as he would take his concerns. And it's clear to me that he isn't. Because HIS concerns are: not having any more kids and not getting married. He's already told you that's part of the deal. So his concerns are taken care of. Your concerns? He doesn't wanna talk about them.

"Because i lost my parents at such a young age, ive had to become really mature..."

Honey, I lost my parents at a young age, as well. And as one orphan to another, be very very careful of the orphan's desire to find a family. That need can cause you to jump feet-first into a relationship and not look at where it's going. Because you so desperately want to be part of a family again. Think about this: it is possible that your choice of a much older man, with children already, may be a symptom of your strong desire to be part of a family again. Be careful of not paying attention to what the trauma of losing your parents may have done to your view of the world and your needs for future happiness: it could get you into a lot of trouble if you're not really aware of this.

"The only thing i dont understand is; R. says that once the divorce is final, his ex will calm down. So why does everyone keep saying she will get worse? "

You know, your BF having been married and divorced twice, my first reaction to this is to say that he knows better, and is telling you this to avoid scaring you away. Honey, if a BM is difficult BEFORE you get married, she will get 100 times worse AFTER you get married. ALWAYS. And if you guys ended up having kids, that would multiply it another 10 times. Seriously. Read the blogs of the people on here. It ALWAYS happens. Always.

"But saying that, if she cared so little about him, why is she causing all this havoc? I don't get it."

Control. Pure and simple. These women want permanent control, and they want to believe they are still first in their exes' hearts. Call it a vanity thing. It has nothing to do with who left whom. In fact, if you surveyed all the women on this site, the problematic BMs would probably be split fairly evenly between the ones who left the men, and the one who were left. Our BM left my DH, and she has been a holy terror. In a way, I think the ones who leave our BFs/DHs are sometimes worse -- because the ones who got left had to come to terms with the fact that their exes didn't want them, BEFORE we came along. The ones who left our BFs/DHs get to keep alive the fantasy that our men are still pining away for them. (Not to mention the fact that the men who get left are more likely to come over to BMs and shovel their walk, mow their grass, take their dog for a walk, etc). And when we come into the picture, the BM realizes she's not top dog anymore. Hence, the fact that they tend to try to do anything in their power to try to reestablish control and dominance over their exes.

Honey, I'm sure your BF wants to be with you -- obviously. But I do think you have to consider that he may not have your best interests at heart -- or at least that he has HIS interests first in his heart before yours. So please, avoid getting too attached, stand back and watch the situation unfold, and keep asking yourself: is THIS what I want for ME?

HUGS!

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

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I need help and advice!