Blender is a great one to give you advice on this as she just had a great post last week about what has worked for her... hopefully she'll see your post!

One thing that I can give my DH credit for is never EXPECTING me to be a mother to his children, never EXPECTING me to pick Skids up, take them places, buy things for them etc. I can honestly say that my DH has never once asked me to play a parental role with his kids and I have never felt the need to step into that role. Now, if I OFFER, to say, pick SS up for DH because it is on my way or what have you, then he is happy to oblige. If I OFFER to go to all of SS soccer games then DH is fine with that, but these things are never EXPECTED of me. There have even been a few times, when I have offered to do something in regards to skids and my DH will say "no, you shouldn't have to do that, that is my responsibility"

I guess I wonder how alot of people got the place they are now? Did they jump into the role of "Stepmom" and pick up kids, cook dinner, help with homework etc because they felt that is what they were "supposed to do" or did BF/SO/DH PUSH them into the role because BF/SO/DH felt that's what THEY were "supposed to do"? What stinks is, once you've been in that role, it's hard to step back without coming across as a bitch.

Kind of like at work... I learned along time ago.. the less I know the better! I remember one particular job I had, they wanted to give me a key to the building because often I was there a few minutes early and had to wait for someone to unlock the door. I respectfully declined...in my mind, having a key would be an open invitation for people to EXPECT that I would be there early, be on call should someone need to be let in, etc. Maybe that's what those us entering a potential SM role need to do right from the get go?

Not sure this was of any actual help to you, just my thoughts on disengaging.

*duplicate post*

When I first entered the household, I did all the cooking. Why? Because...I'm good at it. My (at the time F)DH, not so much. First meal I cooked when SD was there (fussy eater--BUT, I'd asked all the right questions, and had been careful to select items on her "approved list")...she shreiked...and protested...and flat-out refused to eat. My answer...I no longer cook when she's around. Simple.
DH does NOT expect me to "parent" the child. When/if I do things for her, he is appreciative.
While in some ways, that all makes dealing with her easier...in other ways, it causes other complications. If I complain about things she does, it's easier for him to make excuses for her, "You don't have to cook/drive/whatever, so you have no right to complain about...."

He has noticed that her weekends go much more smoothly if we have planned activities. Not necessarily "fun times for SD" completely--the point is having some structure to the weekend (so she's not sitting slack-jawed in front of a blaring television that makes me want to rip the plug out of the wall as ask her if she's a freaking imbecile....ahem...sorry....I digress...)

He is NOT able to take that to the next logical step, and PLAN those structured activities. I do it, or it doesn't get done...annoying...but at least I have it in my power to make those weekends better, no matter how unfair I find it.

I do feel that if DH expected more parenting-type behaviors from me, he would be more open to my criticism of his spoiled, entitled, whining, demanding mini-mistresss...ooops...I mean, beloved daughter.

It is a bit harder when you are PC to the skids. There are some things that you will do, becuase DH needs you to help him. I LOVE being disengaged to SD17. I do not do discipline, requests from SD, worry about where she is, etc... If DH asks me to pick her up or something, I will, but if she asks, NO WAY! The hardest times are when SD is so rude and disrespctful to DH, as I have a tendency to want to defend him---but it really is not my job.

Am totally enjoying a LONG weekend with her away due to Teacher Workdays. ANd am counting the days (148) til she is 18 and moves out for good.