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I said yes?

staying calm's picture

Submitted by staying calm on Tue, 01/03/2012 - 12:57pm

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Over the holidays SO and I had a nice break from SD6, who is with us pretty much full time. We spent a lot of time doing adult things, and it was easy to get swept up in it. So of course when he, out of no where, asked me to marry him I cried and said yes, and told him he could't have made me any happier. A few weeks later the fog has worn off...SD6 is back and acting like a terror as usual, SO is doing nothing to address it, I'm ready to crawl out of my skin and questioning my decision. I don't know what the long term answer is for us, I love him and want to spend my life with him, and I want us to have a family. But I didn't fall into this relationship yesterday, I"ve been around long enough to know that this kid isn't going anywhere. In fact she's getting older and more nasty with each passing day. Just as I start to think about wedding plans, or starting a family this reality of his child is there to send me back, and make me say "Is this really the right thing to do?" Do you ever know? Any thoughts? Books I've read say this uncertainty is normal, and in fact a sign that you are moving in the right direction by questioning things...it feels more like a red flag to me.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Tue, 01/03/2012 - 1:13pm

>__<;;; I feel for you!

That sounds like a dilemma. I think you really need to talk to your DH--and it's okay to back out of saying "yes" since you haven't signed anything (yet) since you have to look at it honestly and think if nothing changes, will you be happy.

I don't think anyone will ever know-know if they should stay with anyone. Hell, in comparison with a lot of posters here, my relationship is like a walk in the park, but I still doubt and question and think about leaving a lot. BUT I also look at the now as it is and know that it could be a lot worse and not focus on the "what if's" so much. It also helps that I can communicate my doubts with SO and we come up with a reasonable solution together if that "what if" comes true.

I read a quote today, that every relationship needs the 3 C's. Compromise, communication, and cuddling, and if something isn't right, there isn't enough of one of them.

Smile

helena_brass's picture

Submitted by helena_brass on Tue, 01/03/2012 - 1:16pm

Questioning your decision is one thing. Yes, it's pretty standard to wonder if you're doing the right thing for yourself. It's totally sane to assess what you're giving up and to be sad about the loss, or to wonder if it's worth the loss. It's absolutely necessary to be honest with yourself about what you're getting into, and to keep your eyes open to the unforgiving reality--to not fall for the rose-colored image of what you really, really want to be true and possible, but may never be.

BUT, if you feel like it's more than that, if you feel yourself telling you it's a red flag, it probably is. It's amazing how often your gut gets it right, even when you logically reason it out another way.

Don't feel stuck just because you said yes in the heat of the moment. It's a lot easier to take back a ring than to go through a divorce--or years and years of unhappy marriage.

Vichychoisse's picture

Submitted by Vichychoisse on Wed, 01/04/2012 - 12:52am

Agree completely with this also... I think the gut feelings are important. Anything you think maybe a red flag IS ONE!

I often wonder what I would say if SO asked me to marry him, and I fear I would do what you did. However, my logical mind tells me that I should not marry him - because I know in my heart of hearts that I should never have continued dating him when I got my first gut feeling red flags. And I'd never do it again.

frustratedstepdad's picture

Submitted by frustratedstepdad on Tue, 01/03/2012 - 1:57pm

You are right to question your decision. If he isn't doing anything to address things now when SD is at a younger age where she can be controlled, what do you think is going to happen when SD hits 12/13? You need to sit your fiance down for a SERIOUS heart to heart and tell him there need to be some changes. Do NOT walk down that aisle with him until you actually SEE the changes.

dledden's picture

Submitted by dledden on Tue, 01/03/2012 - 3:14pm

Congratulations on your engagement, try to take some time to enjoy that a little bit. I just recently got engaged to fdh last summer. i've known about SS8 from the time I met him, knew SKID was part of the package deal and decided i'd just deal with the baggage. I have 2 sons, so I have baggage as well was the way I looked at it. now, there are days that I wonder if i've made the right choice. I hate raising my ss8, everything about him annoys me. fdh has no idea of my feelings for his child. I just can't help it, he's not my kid and I just don't feel for him the way a mother should feel for a child. But, I love fdh and want to marry him so that's just the way my life is going to be and i've accepted that. In order to have daddy, i have to have daddy's kid too. We just moved in together in August, and dealing with this kid 24/7 has really been wearing on me, but day to day I just deal with it. I get some help from his parents and my mother which is great. And I thankfully have this board where I can vent all my frustrations about it Smile Good luck to you!!!