I snapped. SO is sleeping on the sofa.
After a few weeks of mini-wife syndrome & zero consequences for meltdowns...I have snapped. I lost it on SO after SD10 came over for her night after horrendous manipulative bhavior that had SO & I both worn out & she was in a great mood. That smug, everyone-adore-me mood. And, "I'm so innocent" demeanor. I couldn't look at her.
A lot of the drama had been around her sleeping in her own bed. She wants SO to sleep with her.
SO & I had discussed that this night, he was going to talk to her. Tell her that she was sleeping in her own bed. And do you know where he slept that night....her bed. He fell asleep fully dressed on top of the covers because he was just going to lay down with her until she fell asleep. He might have been so tired because he didn't try to put her to bed until freaking 9:45 on a school night.
I don't care what his intent was. Bottom line: he was in the wrong bed. So now he's not sleeping in mine.
He's also been promising me for 3 years he's going to read this parenting book that was recommended to us. Hasn't happened. I am furious that he doesn't parent through these situations. Set boundaries on the behavior. If you're upset, you cannot just go postal. You have to learn to control that anger & raise your concerns. Also, I know this is ground-breaking, but she's not the parent. Some of these decisions shouldn't be up to her. And he should freaking tell her that. Instead of tip-toeing around her fickle feelings.
Not sure what to do next but sit & wait. I think I'm on strike.
10 year olds should sleep in their own bed- alone!
Bottom line-he shouldn't be falling asleep on his daughter's bed- she is ten years old and should be in her own bed, alone. I am sorry you seem to be in this situation- but how will you insisting he sleep on the sofa help this situation?
Mixed signals?
from your earlier post about the weekend guest and sleeping arrangements
"All 3 bedrooms are occupied as SO's parents will be sleeping in SD9's room. The dilemma is where to put SD9 if she decides to stay with us. (I don't think she should have this choice but that's out of my control.) I'm thinking of letting her sleep in our bed on the other side of SO but really fear losing ground as she is constantly trying to get SO to sleep with her."
I think you ended up with a air mattress on your bedroom floor for her because of renting out a bedroom that weekend. But as you're already having an issue getting the kid to sleep without Dad , allowing this one time exception could naturally set it right back to where the issue was. Kind of like going three steps forward then racing five step back, KWIM?
I am not familar with what your Sd's hang-up with the sleeping thing is, so I'll ask. How long has this "My Daddy must sleep with me" been going on and what reason other than 'I say so and Daddy gives in" is her reasoning (and your husband's). Final question, does she sleep with BM on BM's time? No, that that SD should get to just because BM allows it at BM's, but I'm asking if BM doing it is partly why SD expects it at your home.
Just, like, why?
You are absolutely right to be mad as hell! All that negotiating and talking and everything is right back where your SD wants it. If your husband wasn't on board with her sleeping alone, why didn't he say that when you two were discussing it? We used to have the same cycle regarding SD issues. It drove me nuts because I'd be so convinced we were finally on the same page and then nothing would change!
I'm not sure if you're there already, but SD and husband need counseling. They really do need to hear someone else say sleeping with your kid is wrong.
We had a few incidents where SD slept in our bed when she was probably 20 years old. We were just married and still had two houses, but we spent weekends together. During the week, SD was visiting him and claimed she was sick (the hypochondriac act really works on him) and I don't know if he offered or she asked (I have a feeling she asked), but she slept in our bed. I was shocked and asked why and he said "because it's closer to the bathroom." I have no idea where he slept, but I just thought that was too weird that this grown ass woman who couldn't stand the thought of her father with another woman slept in the bed I share with her father!!! It just seemed like she was marking her territory. I bulked and was just sort of wigged out by the whole notion - it was way too cozy after I'd already seen her hanging all over him, asking to rub her feet, you know the bit.
We took this up at our next counseling session. The counselor was taken aback when she heard this. In fact, she was so stunned by the time she'd heard all this, she didn't even bother to give him a reason why this is a no-no. She just told my husband that must not happen again. And it didn't. As far as I know.
Might I suggest that you both be in the room when SD gets in bed. He can say goodnight to her, turn out her light and you can take his hand and walk out with him. I know this might not be your usual role with her, and it's ridiculous that you have to do it, but it's not about her - it's about helping him do what needs to be done. He might find a backbone if someone literally holds his hand.
Remember, the kids really do work on their parents' emotions, especially girls and their daddies. If you're there, he might be reminded of what he needs to do...and why he needs to do it.
What book?
I'm so sorry your going through this. I don't live with my SO and future SD yet, but I can only imagine this road block coming down the pipeline. What book are you referring to? Looking for suggestions for my SO. He actually is a self-help book reader, ironically enough.