I think SS is gay
I think that my 15 year old SS is gay.
I found alot of gay porn videos on the computer- but no regular male/female stuff.
Now I'm realizing that he's never shown any interest in girls, and he's a sophomore in high school now. When his dad suggests that a girl is attractive, or tries to tease him about girls, SS gets really upset and yells at him to shut up.
This weekend was Homecoming, and his friends went to the dance, but he stayed home, didn't even mention it.
We were told that he showed his penis to one of his male friends, and allegedly asked the friend to show his also. We were told that he asked his friend to touch them together, and the friend refused.
We then went to a psychologist to discuss him. The psychologist told us to not approach him about it, that he would find a way to get SS to open up about it in his office. Psychologist asked H what he would do if this were the case? H said he didn't know, he has "never had to deal with this kind of thing".
I searched the history to make sure there was nothing involving kids- there wasn't. I asked the psychologist if I should be worried about my son being around him. He said no, but I NEVER leave my son alone with him. My H agrees, and we never leave them alone together.
Regardless, do you think this is enough info? Based on this, what do you think?
Is it a problem IF he is gay??
Hes 15 years old.... maybe hes gay... maybe hes just curious... maybe hes straight... maybe, maybe, maybe.
No matter what he is I hope that you and DH love him for who he is... no matter what that may be.
I have a gay cousin and my family all knew that he was gay from the time he was a teen.... they just knew.... some of the family won't talk about it (the snobby side).... but we love him just the same!
My dh has a stepson that I swear is totally gay... hes only 12 years old but you can tell...
Have you tried talking to SS?
I would make sure to reassure him that hes loved no matter what and see if he will open up to you.
"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."
I said that wrong....
My DH has a friend that has a 12 year old SS that I swear is gay... my dh doesn't have a gay ss. OOPS!
"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."
Why are you concerned about it?
Do you feel that it is wrong to be gay? Also, why would you feel that leaving a younger child alone in your 15 ss's presence be a problem or threat to your younger child? I don't understand why him possibly being gay means that he is a threat to your younger child.
I have a ss that has some deep anger, therefore I personally choose not to leave my very young son with my ss alone due to him mistreating my son, even though ss has always demonstrated love for my son, it's just a precaution b/c he has some anger issues we can't seem to resolve. I truly think that my ss will never show anger towards my son, but I just can't be sure.
I want to help you, but I'm not so sure why you feel so concerned about this. I'm not familiar with your complete background, so I'm not sure if you have a specific cultural and religious background that prohibits homosexuality.
Candice
i'm sorry but i don't think
i'm sorry but i don't think it matters if he's gay or not. he's a young human being with the same feelings / thoughts as everyone else. one's sexual preference should NOT be confused with being sexally threatening, if that is what you are saying you are worried about. if your ss were a heterosexual girl who clearly liked boys, would you still be worried about bringing your son around her? i feel as it is the same thing. unless there is something you have left out, or your son feels threatened or concerned, i do not think it's something that warrants concern from you.
my fiance's son is 16 and we have wondered his sexual preference as he has never has had a girlfriend nor does he like discussung it and he is going to the prom alone. but our wondering thoughts are very posititive and heartfelt and my fiance and i both agree that we would never bring it up with him..it is his OWN personal choice and if he ever were to open up about it (if that were the case) then he would be embraced and celebrated the same as he always has.
First of all, I wouldn't
First of all, I wouldn't have a problem if SS or my own son were gay. Some of my most respected teachers/colleagues are.
His father would be a different story.
I do have things that I have left out, as far as reasons why I'm afraid to leave him alone with my son. He has had extreme mental blow-ups at home before, and I consider him to be potentially violent, as well as a person who will use others for his own benefit, without concern for their rights or well being. There are other things that he's done which I'm uncomfortable about posting here.
The friend he tried to be sexual with is a much younger one.
I don't think everyone who is gay could be a pedophile, that would be stupid. I'm worried that this kid is gay, and since he can't express himself in the open, he might try to express himself with my son, and he doesn't have the kind of concience that would prevent him from attempting these things.
would you feel that way if
would you feel that way if your bio son was a girl and you thought that your step son was a hetero?
Immaturity and anger management issues are a different story. Regardless of gender or sexuality.
We are trying to help you
The first thing I would do is not panic, and the second thing that I would do is realize you can't control your dh's feelings or actions. All you can do is control your own. Love and embrace every child for who they are, and it seems that you already do.
If your ss has violent tendenacies, then that is reason enough to not leave your child alone with him. I do the same, even though mine hasn't ever showed violent outburst, it's just a precaution of mine. You never have to explain why not to leave a child alone with someone you feel might not have the best intentions for your child.
If your ss did indeed attempt to make sexual contact with a much younger child, then there may be a problem, and for that you should leave the work in the hands of your trusted therapists. Additionally, your dh will have to seek counseling on how to manage his own feelings and learn to adjust his own mental thoughts if his son is indeed gay. There are many successful and happy gay people in this world, and your dh should focus on his happiness, not dh's own personal goals for his son.
Lastly, are you sure your ss wasn't a victim of sexual assault? If your ss was a victim of sexual assault it could explain the violent outburst and the desire to approach younger people. And if this is a possibility, please seek professional help. A therapist will help you understand the trauma and learn to be compassionate when things are super difficult.
Bests,
Candice
I think...
Candice is absolutely right. His behavior does show symptoms of a sexual abuse victim. I think you are doing the right thing by taking him to a therapist as well.
His behavior does seem like
His behavior does seem like that of someone who may have been assaulted- but I'm not close enough to him to approach the issue of sexuality at all.
Basically, I'm wondering, if he is gay, and he approached a younger child, does that mean he's interested in children, or was it an isolated incident, that happened because he's in the closet? If he were able to be with another teenage boy, would he, or does it mean he's really attracted to children? If he is, then I don't want to keep my son in the same house with him.
He doesn't fit any of the "stereotypes" that people think of as the way someone who is gay walks and talks- he's one of those macho types, which makes me even more nervous that he could be predatory.
If he is gay, I'm afraid that he would be afraid to tell his father, because his dad has said things that would make him feel that he wouldn't be accepted. His mother has basically abandoned him already.
He just stays in his room playing games, not interacting with any of us, only comes out to get food, and only talks to me about cooking him thing
I don't think there are specific
stereotypes for gays, gay people look and act like everyone else. They come feminine, masculine, hidden, and outspoken and much much more. So, just b/c you don't think he fits all the rules of being gay, doesn't mean that he isn't gay. Remember, he is also a teenager, and fyi, my 13 ss who vocalizes very much his interests in girls, also only speaks to us only for food, and hybernates in his bedroom too.
Much of what you are describing is typical teenage stuff. However, the violent outbursts, and approaching much younger kids...that is reason for concern. Please seek professional help, as that person will help you learn to understand the issues your ss is faced with, and help you cope with the tough times.
Last but not least, I sense that you don't want your son in the same home, so things must be pretty bad for you to feel that way. I want you to think about something for a minute. Your ss's mother has abandoned him, and that is something awful for a young child, or any child, to experience. His own mother has left him, can you even begin to imagine the lack of love this poor kid feels right now? I hope that you can find the strength to be the best step mother this young man deserves to have (being a sm isn't easy, and there are many times I have wanted to run), but your ss is hurting, and you are the adult here, try to go to counseling for yourself to see about venting your frustrations, and learning ways to cope with anger steming from abandonment/sexual assault. This job isn't easy, but try not to give up, he's 15, probably just an ackward teenage kid, but he is in pain.
It aint easy, but hang in there,
Candice
2nd opinion ,new psychologist
I would honestly not care if my son's were gay as long as they were happy and I would want the same things for them, a mate to love that loved them back, BUT I have back ground in sexual predators(study in classes and with two psychologist who worked with predators for over 20 years each) and many are simply curious or frustrated teens. It would surprise most people to know the stats on abuse of teen on child or teen on teen ( when just sleeping over and going into frined's little sisiters room, teens in postions with young children at church, I am not trying to sound sick ,just say that like showing the penis to friend they are curious and do not follow boundaries when that curiousity overtakes them. I am in moms group where two of the moms children were abused by teens in the family, one was a 8 year old son abused by older half brother, the other a 10 year old girl and her older step brother.
We are often so afraid of condeming anyone that we feel we are being prejudice, I say forget what gender they are interested in(that is not factor as much as their habits, such as internet porn habitually, getting caught doing things with peopel that are not comfortable with it, etc.Oh another example, woman at church's daughetr pregnant when raped by big brother's friend during swim party,boy was a good guy and said he just wanted to see what it was like,and my sweet coworker actually a virgin when married(god bless her, I could never say that!LOL) if it were not for older cousin that was curious(what he said)that raped her, he was 15 ,she was 12.family gatherings have to be hell after that for sure.
Don't be paranoid, but informed and aware.I think the psychologist is would seek out another one,if not for him for you guys in how to handle it correctly.
Thank you for that reply, I
Thank you for that reply, I was worried about sounding prejudice, and I really am not, it's just that my instinct around this kid has always been to watch out, and that has been proven right a few times.
Can you tell me, based on your experience, is a kid who's done something sexually abusive to a child usually not a true pedophile?
How likely is he to carry that behavior into adulthood?
The two moms in your group whose children were abused by older step/half brothers- what did they do? Did they keep the children living together?
I'm afraid to leave my son in his own room at night, I bring him into my room alot. I'm afraid ss will sneak in there and try to do something.
There are really alot of problems going on in my house right now. I started blogging with the more minor stuff, but of course this issue is really the most important.
The psychologist told us that before H's next business trip, he wants H, me, and ss all to meet together in his office. I was looking forward to that because I want to begin talking with him again, and break the awkward feeling between us.
Also, I do feel very sorry for him and his sister that their mother doesn't take care of them. She lives right across the street and takes alot of medication and just sleeps all the time. Even the day he left for a whole summer of camp, she wouldn't get out of bed to say goodbye to him.
I'm also very resentful of her because she left all her responsibilities to me. And resentful of H because he doesn't tell her to shape up or he'll cut off some of her financial support. She's behaving like a parasite, letting him pay for everything and doing nothing to help anyone else. But that's another issue.
I have to admit that is has become harder and harder to care about this boy, because I feel that he's a danger to my child who is very young and innocent. But it's easy to see that he has reasons to be messed up, and someone has to help him get back on track before he hurts someone and also ruins his own life.
Anyway, I don't even know when was the last time he saw his psychologist- while we were gone, his mother was supposed to take him, but she forgot to do it.
Will begin pushing H to make another appt and make sure he gets there.
Understand your concerns
From what I read chava, I don't think you really care about the actual fact of whether he is Gay or not, I think you are more concerned that he remains in the closet and has to experiment and hide it, he just may experiment with your son!! I too would be very weary of this situation. I think you have gone about this the right way by seeking help and trying to get him out of the closet if he is in fact Gay.
I have 2 gay friends and one of them is 28 and still afraid to tell her mother, because she fears rejection. Perhaps if you have a gay friend you could invite them over and let SS know that he/she is gay and show that you accept them. How your DH handles his emotions will be a big issue as to how SS handles his feelings. If DH thinks its weird, gross or unacceptable these are the emotions your SS will see, if he thinks how he feels is Gross or unacceptable, thats when the trouble starts.
He maybe gay or he may be just curious about hmosexuality, but if his dad isn't going to step up and be there for him perhaps you need to secretly give him the nudge that you accept gay peoples choices. If he has no support it will lead to big problems for him. Gay people don't seek to harm children but I see you are worried that should he be locked out of normal life for his feelings, he may have to vent by using younger people who he doesn't need acceptance from and can scare them to satisfy his curiosities. From what I can see, you are taking the right action protecting your son and getting help for SS who maybe confused or upset by his sexuality. Good luck and my best wishes are with you on this one.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
That's exactly what I feel,
That's exactly what I feel, you're right...It's not about being gay. I would not feel uncomfortable having my son around the gay friends that I have- because I don't feel that being gay has anything to do with being attracted to children.
I'm hoping that SS isn't really attracted to kids, just did what he did because he's hiding it, like you said.
He's already been abandoned by his mom. He thinks that I don't care about him, and he knows that his dad loves him very much, but his dad has made many comments about gays in the past, and I'm sure that he feels he can never tell his dad(this is assuming he is gay, and I feel that he really is, although only time will tell).
I think that inviting a gay friend over is a really good idea. When I was in my old area, I was involved in opera, and almost every male I worked with was gay. But since I moved here, I can't think of anyone to invite over. But in the future, I'm sure I'll find someone who will be happy to come over and help prove the point.
nonono
Okay I think you have every right to be concerned with his behavior around your son. People are trying to be too pc. If he's trying to experiment with an unwilling peer he may molest your son. Yes that happens people...OK.
Don't mistreat him and encourage him to talk about his feelings but protect your son's best interest at all times.
Thank you for that, I've
Thank you for that, I've read many times about things like that happening, and that you should always trust your instincts, when you feel like something's wrong.