Ill probably catch crap for it tonight, but i finally did it
I finally put my foot down and SD went to school without her hair being done, because once again she decided to play games with me this morning. 615 rolled around, she had spent the last 10 minutes playing in her room instead of getting ready, so I just said let go, get in the car.... And we left, with her hair an absolute mess.
I am done being late to work because she wants to act a fool. Funny how on the morning that Dh is there, she has nooooooo problem at all getting ready in that same amount of time. Yet on the mornings that its just me, its a constant battle to get ready on time. Hopefully she gets her ass in gear from now on, cause I am done playing these games. Not going to keep yelling and stressing myself out over her.....she will just he facing her own conciquences.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with your approach to this problem. I remember a few years back I was keeping my granddaughter for a month while her parents were out of town. The first day of school she was late because of her constant " forgetting" what she was supposed to be doing next. At 10 yrs. she was old enough to be getting ready on her own
I started setting the timer on the stove every 10 minutes. 10 minutes to shower, 10 minutes to dress, 10 minutes to eat. The first few days she was having to go out to the car for the ride to school with her hair uncombed, some of her clothing in her hands, and only a few bites of her cereal. By the end of the week she was getting ready on time. Since it was winter she was not happy about walking out to the car half dressed and then getting dressed in a cold car.
SD is 9 and all she has to do
SD is 9 and all she has to do in the morning is get dressed, brush her teeth, and come to me and ill do her hair. (She showers at night, and she eats breakfast at school) She has 25 minutes to do this. So more than enough time.
Did she actually care at all?
Did she actually care at all?
Nope, didn't say anything
Nope, didn't say anything about it. Just walked out the door with a smile on her face, waiting for the rise out of me. But about halfway there I noticed her in the rearview mirror trying to fix it with her fingers. And she had her evil scowl on her face when I dropped her off, and the reality of her situation had hit her.
I am sure I will be the topic of conversation all day at school. How her evil stepmother refused to do her hair and made her go to school looking like this, but I just don't care anymore. And the first thing out of her mouth this afternoon when Dh picks them up will be the same, but again, I am done caring.
I have myself and bioson2 to get ready in the mornings, and in a few weeks ill be adding a newborn.... So not chasing her around like a 4 yr old anymore. Not going to stress myself out trying to force her to get ready, she wants to act a fool, then so be it.
U go girl!!!! I am cheering
U go girl!!!! I am cheering for you!!!
I am not saying what you did
I am not saying what you did is wrong, I actually agree 100%...but, I think that although 25 minutes is more than enough to do these things, some people don't work well when they have just enough time to do things. I think you need to wake her up an HOUR before she has to go. Anytime that I plan to go somewhere, I get ready in plenty of time. Mind you, it's not like I am one to put tons of make up, mess a lot with my hair, etc...but I do need at least an hour to kind of get going...weird, huh? I get mad at my DH ALL THE TIME because he thinks that if we need to be somewhere at 9AM, then it's ok to wake up at 8AM because it should only take me 30 minutes to get ready...for some reason it doesn't click in my brain. It never fails that I end up leaving, feeling rushed and stressed and always forget something. My only remedy has been to actually wake up super early, again, at least an hour before I have to leave in order to have time to "wake up fully", etc...I know it's strange, but just wanted to let you know what happens to me in the hopes that maybe changing her wake up time a bit will help YOU feel less stressed.
To wake her up an hour early
To wake her up an hour early would mean getting up at 5:15 in the morning. There's no need for her to get up that early, and I am certainly not getting up that early. Her clothes are ready to go (the skids wear a school uniform) and giving her an hour to get ready will just teach her to be lazy in the morning.
But bottomline, she does it on purpose. She's ready and waiting with ten minutes to spare on the days Dh is there.
YEP, SD15 did the same to me
YEP, SD15 did the same to me the 2 months I had to deal with her lazy butt getting to school. She'd get up 10 min before having to go, so I just started getting in the car like I was going to leave without her. She'd come running out with a brush in her hand.
You did the right thing - now
You did the right thing - now to keep it up/expand on it. She will probably up the ante but the day you drop her off in her pajamas will be interesting!
I used to have to threaten one of my bs's this way - he was a dawdler in the mornings (still is) but since I kept my word about other stuff, he never pushed it far enough to risk being sent to school in pj's.
She'll get the idea eventually - as long as dad doesn't undermine you.
Dh will def undermine me,
Dh will def undermine me, that's my entire problem. He will flip on me in front of the skids, about how awful it was blah blah blah. This has been an ongoing issue for us for months. His declaration last time was that if this was to ever happen again (her not being ready when it was time to leave) that I was to stay late and do her hair, and then he would drive them to school and be late to work himself, but that I was not to hassel them about getting up and ready in the morning. So I said ok, I don't say a word to them, BUT I will be leaving this house with bs at 615, whether they are ready or not. Then he backed down a bit, with no no no, what I want is the opposite, I want you to treat them like bs ect ect. And it descended into a "you don't love my kids" discussion.
They got better for a few weeks, so I never had to follow through until today.
Well he only has two choices
Well he only has two choices - either he wants you to help him out by taking SD to school, in which case YOU call the shots with SD in the mornings and he must back you up OR he changes his work hours and takes care of HIS Kid HIS way.
He can't have his cake and eat it.
...
...
Stick to your guns. If he
Stick to your guns. If he runs his mouth to you, especially in front of the kids...you should blow up too! Tell him if he were'nt so weak, there would be no problem. Embarrass him in front of the kids, jeez. Rip him apart.
Or, you can ignore him and hum a tune like he's invisible. }:)
Good for you!! If DH wants
Good for you!! If DH wants to pitch a fit about it it's definitely his choice - pick one - either I treat her like I would treat BS which means if she pulls this crap she deals with it (goes with screwed up hair) OR you deal with your kid every morning.
He may be okay with his kid trying to run your life and making you late, that doesn't mean you have to be okay with it. Child needs to learn you are not there for her beck and call or amusement.
Stick to it!
Well, called Dh on my lunch
Well, called Dh on my lunch break and he asked how the kids got off. I just said, well, they got off. Everything went good this morning then? I didn't hear you yelling at them this morning........ Well SD was slow again but we got off. Then there was a long silence, where he could tell there was more to the story, but didn't know what to say. Then I changed the subject.
Had I said "well, I took SD to school without doing her hair" WWIII would have been on, and I don't care to have that conversation while at work. He never takes anything I say about SD seriously, and always sides with her.... So I'm not even going to volunteer the information. Done going to "daddy" for validation on what I do and feel, if he wants to come address it with me when I get home, he can.
What is SD favorite thing?
What is SD favorite thing? Thats what you take away from her every time she pulls that crap. Hassel in the morning no tv, phone, or computer in the evening. Simple jack up my morning and I'll jack up your evening. Deal with it. You want to be treated with respect, show respect. DH doesn't like that, then he can start takeing care of the kids in the morning. My ss would never pull crap on me. I'am the rule enforcer in our house. DH is way to weak ss runs all over him. So I step in and said these are the rules take or leave it. You should tell DH that you got wrote up at work for being late and that if it happens again that your going to loose your job. Then he would be mad a SD because she is the one making you late. Maybe if DH thought your job was on the line he would talk to SD. You could say"One of the girls at work today got fired because this is her third time to be late. I was warned that I would be next." "You need to talk to SD about getting dressed in the morning faster or we're fixing to be a one income family."
As much as I would love to
As much as I would love to try that, he would know its bullshit. I work for the government so there are long drawnout procedures on disipline and its damn near impossible to get fired for stuff like that. And even so, he'd still find a way to spin it back on me.... SD never does anything wrong in his eyes. She just puts on her sad face, quivers her voice like she's going to cry and say "but I am trying my best daddy. Mommy always yells at me no matter how hard I try" And since she only acts this way when he's not around, he buys it and it must be that I am just mean and spiteful.... Cause of coarse, she's just a little girl.
Doesn't matter how outrageous her behavior, he never holds her accountable. Cause it must he because of something that I am doing.
Good for you for shipping her
Good for you for shipping her off to school without her hair done. I did the same thing to SD a few yrs ago...she is a VERY vain child, so yeah...it only happened the once.
When your DH gets upset about it, suggest that your SD start learning to do her own hair...my SD is now 8 & has been doing it pretty much on her own (for school) for about a year & a half. She can do pony tails, head bands & clips. I of course do her hair for picture day or when she wants braids or we have some kind of family outing, but other than that, she does it herself.
She does her own hair on the
She does her own hair on the weekends, which Dh also thinks is unfair..... But he's not.home on the weekends to bitch about it. She can do a low ponytail or a headband, but the past fee weekends she even been giving me a hard time about that. Trying to just brush it out and leaving it down all day.... But that results in a matted mess for the next day.
She has really curly, frizzy hair so it takes forever to brush out and there's no way shed get it done by the time we have to leave, esp when she's being slow on purpose.
My dd just turned 10 this
My dd just turned 10 this past month and has been doing her own hair for a long time. Every once in awhile I will do it for her-a ponytail, curl it, etc-but its pretty rare. Can she not brush her own hair? I guess I dont even understand. My dd wears hers down on a day to day basis-which is fine. She has hairbands she can put in if she wants it off her face. She seems to jsut prefer to wear it down.
Perhaps your dh needs to do her hair before he leaves if she is incapable of doing it herself. Or perhaps you ought to suggest a super cute, super sort cut for sd since she is having problems managing her own hair?
SD has multi-racial hair so
SD has multi-racial hair so it is difficult to get brushed out. Has to be wet to even get a brush through it. And its long, her and dh like it long and fight me on anything more than a trim once a year. She can do it, but it will probaby take her ten minutes just brush it out, when she's motivated. I would absolutely love to cut it to shoulder length to make it easier on everyone, but Dh won't even concider it.
I have been slowly forcing her to take more responsibility with it over the past two years. She has to brush it out after her showers and she is expected to do it herself on the weekends. As of now, I've still been doing it every weekday for school so that it looks presentable. Her hair is gorgeous when done properly, but when not done it looks like a homeless cave person.
The hair is sore subject for me. It was the ONE request that I had of him when he informed me that SD would be coming to live with us (ive got one week notice), was that he had to learn how to do her hair too. That I didn't want to be the only one dealing with her hair every day, being totally tied to her like that. And of coarse he made no effort. So if I have to leave early for work, she has to get up at 4am with me so I can do her hair, I can't go visit my family for the weekend without "whose going to do her hair" being this huge issue.
OMG! This is so not your
OMG! This is so not your job. Why hasnt he figured out how to do it? And then he has the balls to get mad at you if you dont? I thought you were talking about a simple ponytail or something-but IMO to get her up at 4am is ridiculous and that you cant visit your family is completely outrageous.
I would just stop doing it. Is he not home in the mornings? And I also think it is perfectly reasonable to cut it to shoulder length so that she can learn to manage it herself. Obviously this is somethign she will eventually need to do for herself.
A ponytail is basically all I
A ponytail is basically all I will to for her anymore. When she was smaller (and had a better attitude) I would really do it up nice, and fix it all into Shirley temple ringlets..... But now I just brush it out and out it into a ponytail. But the more attitude she got towards me, the less i feel like putting in the extra effort.
Dh tried brushing it out once when we first got her, after 2 minutes just said, yeah, I can figure it out if I ever need to..... And hasn't lifted a finger in the 5 years since.
But I think when the baby comes, I will be forcing the issue of getting it cut short. I can just best it now though..... About how poor SD has to suffer because I had another baby, and how I only love the bios.
Yes, a trip to the hair salon
Yes, a trip to the hair salon for a short easy to care for cut is what SD needs. Especially since you will have a newborn to care for soon.
My sd tried this when we
My sd tried this when we first got married to her dad. He left her a few times home. Eventually she knew he wasn't playing. And I didn't take her but once to school late. The other time she had to read and no tv. Lol. But now she does great!
^^^ perfect ^^^
^^^ perfect ^^^
Peanut - I get you are trying
Peanut - I get you are trying to do the best for your family but ask yourself honestly if your DH is doing right by you in the way he addresses situations to do with his children?
He sounds inordinarily disrespectful towards you, he dumps the responsibility of his kids on you yet doesnt try and help make things easier e.g. "he" likes her hair long, yet "he" isnt the one who has to do it for her OR have to contend with a child who makes you late for work.
That isnt funny, you should not have to look unprofessional by being late. Plus you do realise the reason your sd does this to you in the mornings AND she smirks about it, is because she knows daddy will rip you a new A hole. After all didnt you know you are sd's and DH's personal maid?
Seriously, you say WW11 will start when DH realises what you have done. So what did you do?! Oh thats right, you didnt do sd9's hair this morning. Thats it. Honestly, I would tell my DH to go F himself if he DARED speak to me like that. HE would be the one walking away with a new A Hole and that would be done. He can scream to the wall, accuse me of not loving/liking his kids, being the nastiness bitch on the face of the earth because you know what? All that does is make me MORE determined to cease being his and his kids doormat. This guy cant force you to do anything for his children if you choose not to.
Ok, yes it may be very uncomfortable and awkward living with a sulking male, who ignores you or tries to wear you down by hurling insults and abuse - and lets be honest this is a favourite means of emotional terrorists to get what they want. You falling into line, walking on egg shells, listening to their demands while they stand back and scrutinise your efforts - however if you decided to not engage in this emotional warfare, allow him to throw tantrums, implement every single drop of self control and refuse to acknowledge what he says to you (no matter how awful because thats what he wants - you on the defensive so he can manipulate you back into line - which you do) then who does he get to fight with?
His kids arent going to die from you not doing their hair, or doing every darn thing for them while Mr Dictator in the corner criticises you at every turn. You get the grief anyway, almost like you are the worst SM on the earth, you fall into this reverse psychological trap by proving you are not evil SM. However, while you do so you are enabling your OH to be a shithead to you.
Do yourself a favour and learn to not give a damn, realise YOU have the power to change things for yourself and that includes not putting up with this shite.
Read this again and again
Read this again and again Peanut. You need to learn to stick up for yourself. You're getting stripped of your dignity very very slowly. Recapture your image of normal as it should be. Friends help to keep us in tune with normal and balance marriage. So far, he snaps and crackles and you pop. I wish I could kick his ass for you.
For what it's worth, I took my son to school in pajamas once when he was five. He never messed with me in the morning again. You did her a favor.
I agree 100%. I had to do
I agree 100%. I had to do this to my SD as well. She walked out of the house without socks or shoes on last spring. She didn't call my bluff after. You have to set boundaries
Otherwise your life will be hell.(speaking from my experience)
No, she didn't mention it, so
No, she didn't mention it, so he never found out. He, out of the blue, decided to look up her bm yesterday and found a phone number for her (we havent heard from her in 4 years) and called her. So as soon as he picked them up he told her that she could email her bm, and I think that distracted her. Bm didn't want to talk to her on the phone, or text, but gave us her email so SD could email if she wanted.
But once again, didn't feel the need to dicuss it with me before doing stuff like this. they are "our" kids when it suits him, but they are "his"kids when it doesn't. But he did ask if I would spend Saturday at either chuckie cheese or mcdonalds so that SS could visit w/ his bm.... I told him no, that if he wanted to arrainge something he could do it himself after work.
We need to find you a good
We need to find you a good man. You deserve better than this.
But on the plus side, she was
But on the plus side, she was up and ready for me to do her hair in record time today.
AND, Dh ended up taking them to school due to my work schedual and she gave him the same shitty attitude she always gives me and he flipped on her. She must have forgotten who was driving the car, and I took great satisfaction of laying it all out for him on the phone. How that's how she always act for me, and its bs that he always blows off my concerns and sides with her, but when she does it to him, then its a big deal. So hopefully he takes it heart and gets in her more.
Just wanted to say thank you
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone here for the support. I really don't know what I would have done, had I not found this site.