I'm so tired
I'm so tired of putting up with all the bs from H and sd. Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. There never seems to be an end to the whining. H and sd are mad that I won't buy her an 8g MP3 like I did for each of my sons. I told them both I wasn't getting her anything but they won't shut up. It's bad enough that my dil won't bring the kids to see me anymore because of them but now they seem to think I shouldn't give my own children and grandchildren any gifts. Everything is supposed to be for sd. When I divorced my ex I had the stones removed from my rings, I thought I might have earrings made but never got around to it. I decided that I would let my oldest son have one of the stones to make a ring for my dil. They couldn't afford an engagement ring. Well H seems to think I should give the stones to sd. Not going to happen. I think if something is mine then I should be the one to decide who gets it. Besides she has destroyed enough of my things as it is. I don't feel like I owe her anything. I'm sick of hearing how the "poor little baby doesn't have a mommy", that was her choice not mine. Also H is saying now that I don't have a sense of humor any more. I must I'm still married to him.
He thinks I owe her
He thinks I owe her everything because her bm didn't want her. My ex didn't want anything to do with me or our sons and they turned out fine. I keep telling him she needs to get a job and pay for every thing she whines for. My sons had jobs after school and through the summer. I think it taught them to appreciate what they have. But that's just me. H thinks the world should kiss his precious baby's ass. You should have heard him when I took my pearls and had them restrung into two necklaces for my granddaughters. I thought it would be a perfect gift for them when they're older. He has a real problem with me buying things for my grandkids, I don't know why. My dil takes the girls, they're twins, to a pre-pre school two days a week and I'm very proud of their accomplishments. I think it's great that they are all ready learning another language. They can speak spanish very well. I guess he thinks that whenever I brag about them that it's a slam on sd. Again not my fault that she's flunking school again.
where the hell do they get that logic?
good god my parents didnt want us either, all they cared about was where to get the next drink but hell I have a college education, ( I did it all on my own) I bought my own house and raised two beautiful boys.
tell him to go get bent.
ugh!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Isn't this the SAME "Precious Princess"?
who just recently smashed your grandmother's treasured teapot by "accident"?
And cost you a good job by impersonating you on the phone when HR called the house because she didn't want you to make more money than her daddy??
And NOW he wants YOU to hand over YOUR diamonds to her????
Did he recently fall down and hit his head? Or sustain a head injury in some other way?
Because if he didn't and he's just being STUPID, then you need to give him a good WHACK to the head!
In all seriousness, Ferretmom, I see a downward spiral of events taking place in your marriage, where he is clearly putting SD first and overlooking the terrible things she is doing in your household. I would have to make some very serious decions about the direction I would make in this relationship. Or at the very least, take CONTROL over the way things are going.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
wheres cruella's frying pan when we need it??
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
What happened to Cruella?
Where did she go? I miss her!
We all miss her
Cruella please phone home!! so to speak
And Ferretmom, hide your stuff somewhere other than your house, before it disappears!!! is it storage unit time?
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I earn the majority of the Rags family fundage but I don't have
the stones to dictate to my wife what she does and does not do with her belongings. We discuss gift giving from a budget perspective but who gets how much of what or the other is based on what we want to give them not on some perception of equity. What they do get goes down very quickly in proportion to the whining or if we perceive that they expect it.
We are a team and as a team we have to treat each other with the respect and value that is appropriate. That includes communicating and discussing as well as giving each other the space trust and respect to be individuals. What you do with you belongings or how you choose to give gifts may fall in the category of trust and respect and H should get this message. IMHO.
I think it is time for a Come To Jesus Meeting (CTJM) and discussion with your DH to let him know that what is yours is yours and if he does not get the message in a hurry what is his will soon be yours. (A RagsMom statement that fits the situation IMHO).
It is difficult for me to understand behavior that you describe as coming from your H and SD. My instinct is to make the response to such behavior overwhelming and unequivocal in its message.
Recommended conversation points of the CTJM.
1. Our children are distinct individuals and what we do for them will be different based on their needs and their efforts. SD needs to make the effort or I am not willing to do more than basic care and feeding for her. (Hint, hint, hint, get a job, go school and do her work).
2. We jointly provide a home for our family including our children. Beyond the support that each member of the family gets from us as the adults and parents I am not willing to reward inappropriate behavior and to date SD has not treated either the home or the family members in a manner that warrants more than basic care and feeding and I am not willing to invest any more than that into her until she earns it. If you are not willing to parent her enough to give her that message and hold her accountable then I will hold both you and SD accountable for her behavior and remind you of it when we have similar discussions in the future.
3. As for what I chose to do or not to do with my personal belongings and resources, you have no say in that and your input was not solicited nor will it be considered.
4. If you have significant issue with anything I have said speak now. If you choose not to parent SD in compliance with what I have said then you will comply with how I choose to do it or DON'T LET THE DOOR KNOB HIT YOU AND SD IN THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT!
Thanks for playing and have a nice day.
Just my thoughts on the situation of course.
Good luck and best regards,
Ferretmom
First of all I think giving your son a stone from your ring for dil and making necklaces for your granddaughters is absolutely wonderful and are gifts that are sure to be cherished. Great idea!
I can understand where H is coming from, though, but I think he's going about it the wrong way. It's like he's holding you responsible for SD's BM walking out on her but at the same time making you responsible for filling that void. He doesn't simply want you to treat SD as your own; he wants you to become her mother, to show her the same deference as you show to your own children, and that's an awful lot of pressure to put on you. No matter how you slice it, you will never BE her mother and she will always live with the feelings associated with being abandoned by a parent. Your H is clearly overcompensating for this and he wants you to participate in this as well, but what he's not considering is the long-term consequences: SD will be seriously ill-prepared for the realities of life. She will never learn that you don't always get what you want, that many times you have to work to get what you want and not have everything handed to you on a silver platter. She will compare every future relationship with the one she has with her father, and no relationship will ever measure up to what she has now. He is setting her up for big time failure and he doesn't even know it.
I think as long as you do not show blatant favoritism towards your kids / grandkids, H should never have the audacity to demand that you give SD any of your prized or cherished possessions.
Sd has not seen bm since she
Sd has not seen bm since she was 3, she had contacted mil a few times but that was over 10 yrs ago. I have tried to if not be a mother figure to her then at least a responsible adult. I told H from the beginning that I expected no more and no less from her than my own sons. I've tried so many times over the years but now I give up. When she turned 16 I gave her a sweet sixteen party, I thought every girl should have one. She hated it because I insisted it be chaperoned, I can guess what she was planning. For her present I gave her a black rabbit fur coat and a make up case. I thought it was nice and grown up but again she hated it. I stopped trying after that. Today I explained again to H that my possessions before we got married are mine and I'll deal with them as I see fit. If she can not appreciate the small things we give her then she'll never appreciate any thing important. It's a tradition in my family to give the jewelry to your daughter and if you don't have one to the granddaughters. I feel it's important to pass on these traditions but he doesn't. I worry about what would happen if something should happen to me. That's one reason I've taken steps to give the majority of my property to my sons now. Plus it saves them inheritances tax. The majority of money that I have my grandfather left to me in trust when I was 3 and I've already divided that between my sons. Besides if H wants sd to have a diamond he can get it himself. I hate to sound so cold but I don't really care anymore. My grandmother would have said that they need to have a reading from the good book. Usually she read from it while she paddled your butt.