Interesting Article
Read an interesting article today about 3 betrayals that aren't infidelity.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-betrayals-ruin-relationships-aren't-infidelity/
Many of us write about the dissatisfaction we have in our DH/DW, and the way they handle step life. They aren't there for us or they prioritize their kids over us or they don't support us or they emotionally withdraw or they lack commitment. The feelings we get from this are similar, almost identical to infidelity.
Emotional Cheating: So often we read posts on this site how our spouse will prioritize the skids over us. This is actually the same thing as 'Emotionally Cheating'. The Skids are 1st responsibility if they are not adults, the marriage is top priority. Spouses will not disclose important information, sometimes will make unilateral decisions about skids moving in, dedicating time to skids rather than the partner, leaving at home while they entertain skids.
Conditional Love: 'Couples don’t feel supported when one partner keeps a foot out of the relationship. They don’t feel like their partner has their best interests at heart, that they have their back. When this happens, it’s not uncommon for the betrayed partner to blame a trigger as the real problem, when it’s actually the lack of commitment.'
Emotional Withdrawal: 'Emotional withdrawal can be something big, like choosing a work meeting over a family funeral, or it can be as small as turning away when your partner needs emotional support.
A committed relationship requires both partners to be there for each other through the life-altering traumas and everyday nuisances. That means celebrating joys and successes with your partner, too.
Everybody has different ways of expressing themselves. In a committed relationship, it is the responsibility of both partners to uncover and disclose these preferences to understand what the other requires to feel loved, protected, and supported.'
The thing is, much of the time, because they are not cheating on us sexually, our spouse will diminish the feelings of betrayal and pain. We're expected to 'Get over it!" - quick. It happens again and again, and is justified because,again, it isn't sexual.
Any thoughts?
These 3 betrayals are all
These 3 betrayals are all examples of one spouse turning away from their partner. Looking for support in other areas. Gottman has done lots of research on relationships and marriage. Facinating stuff.
It is strange--all of this
It is strange--all of this emphasis on the sex part when it comes to infidelity. The sex part is the least of it, as far as I, and I'm sure most, are concerned. The unfaithful part is by far the biggest. Although the author refers to the 3 betrayals as not being acts of infidelity, I'd consider them so. Because what hurts so much isn't someone doing so-and-so, it is the act of betrayal. That is where the pain is at.
Unfaithfulness is listed as a synonym for infidelity. Maybe that term infidelity needs to go away and just be replaced by unfaithfulness, because this term covers so much more and implies, correctly, that you are being unfaithful to your partner and/or marriage and that is where the betrayal lies.
I agree
"Maybe that term infidelity needs to go away and just be replaced by unfaithfulness, because this term covers so much more and implies, correctly, that you are being unfaithful to your partner and/or marriage and that is where the betrayal lies."
When your partner does not honor you and your marriage it is not showing that they are being faithful to it. The sex part is the least of it. It's the ACT of betrayal that does the damage. It's that horrible feeling that your DH does not think you are worthy of being respected by him or the Skids. Or when you see DH practicing a double standard, throwing your money at the Skids, when you give so much of yourself and get nothing in return. Or when DH chooses to enable adult skids rather than wanting to live life to the fullest with you. Or when DH allows you to be treated badly at a Skid wedding. It's the emotional bankrupting with no compassion. That's 'betrayal'.
The three betrayals certainly
The three betrayals certainly are infidelities but a sexual affair is the ultimate infidelity IMHO.
I did not want a divorce. Even when my XW was an unadulerated witch, mean and nasty. Had I known of her whoring around, I would have booted her ass out in a heartbeat.
I did not learn of her infidelity until after she moved out of our marrital home. After that, I had no use for her at all. Three months after she moved out she invited me to lunch to tell me she was pregnant. I asked her why she tole me since there was no possible way it could be mine unless it was the 2nd immaculate conception. She burst into tears and asked me what she should do. I told her that it wasn't my broblem.
We went through this twice the first while our divorce was in process and the second following our divorce. She miscarried the first spawn. She called me about the second 3 months after our divorce was final. Again in tears over it and wanting me to tell her what to do. I reminded her that she was Catholic and that her parents would disown her if she aborted a pregnancy out of convenience. She sobbed and thanked me for knowing her so well and for being supportive. I wasn't supportive, I just did not give a shit and did not want a call every time where whoring around resulted in a pregnancy. I did not hear from her again for a few years until we battled over the sale of the house we had bought two months before she left.
Betrayal is brutal. Anyone who betrays should be met with fully painful suffering and the spouse who is betrayed should be the one to lay down destruction and mayhem on the betrayer.
Must my thoughts of course.