Invisible.
I looked for this forum to see if anyone else gets it... I am a newlywed, I am a woman, I am a stepmother, I am invisible. I got married knowing that I would have a SS. I had never dated anyone with a child. It was presented to me as "I have a 5yo son and he is my best friend so if this is something you cannot deal with than let me know now" This was our first conversation. I felt intrigued... What I heard was- I am a man that loves my son and I will love you the same if you let me! Win/WIn. But what was not said was- because of this you will not be the main focus when I have him, you will have to put up with his mother, you will only have some say so on what happens in your life, and could you do all of this graciously? Thanks! It is way more complicated then I ever anticipated.
Now let's talk BM! She is awful, she feels so entitled. I get that she birthed him, but does that make you entitled? And not to him but the whole world? She does not work (ever! she is 29), she just recently got a job because of our custody battle. Which FYI is on the 10th of this month. We are going for full custody. She can see him but she is a bad influence. She doesn't cook, he eats fast food on the regular. She want desperately to be his friend and not his disciplinary. As you can tell this is an on going issue for myself, hub and now 7 yo SS. I have tried it all. I have tried getting her and my hub to go to counseling, we have SS in counseling, I have tried phone calls and dinners and ... it doesn't work. She is a terror!
She refuses to meet us for pick up or drop off, he is late to school constantly, he back talks her, she lets him play inappropriate video games, and the list goes on. The final straw is that she still wants my husband desperately! She bosses him around and until me , he took it. she bad mouths me to my SS. it is a nightmare. And all the while I HONESTLY am very polite still. I refuse to burn this bridge. She won't even let me try to build one. They have been broken up longer than we have been together!!! There is no respect. And the hub will constantly bend and bend without even consulting me. I am at my wits end and I know that after the court date things will at the very least change. We can make plans and not have this constant "pause" in our way. I am really feeling as though this may be too much at times. HELP! Am I invisible? Do you see where I am coming from? I think my hub feels as though he is doing what is best for the situation and he really is a good man but I need to feel as though I RUN MY HOUSEHOLD TOO! I feel like a visitor in his world. Any suggestions? Guidance?
Get the book "Stepmonster"
Get the book "Stepmonster" and read STAT!
Pretty sad that your DH has
Pretty sad that your DH has conferred "adult spousal status" on a 7 year old boy. You do realize that there can only be 2 spouses in the home, and that you are not one of them?
I believe there is some
I believe there is some confusion. not sure what DH is but if referring to my husband he has not it is BM that has this type of lifestyle with my SS. Or am I reading your comment incorrectly?
The Triangle, paul n utah is
The Triangle, paul n utah is SOOOOOOOOOO right! Your DH has made his son his "best Friend" and the co adult in YOUR home... BM maybe doing it in here home too BUT the ONLY home that matters in reality is YOURS!!!!!!!! PLEASE read up on "adult spousal status"... SS7 is still young so there is still hope.......GET the STEPMONSTER book right away if you havent already...it WILL help!
VENT away here!! we understand even when you think no one else could possibly understand......we do 
You have to know how to play your cards right in all of this...the parenting books have very good and sound advice....I only wish I had read them when i was a newbee stepmom!! It could have made things so much easier....
Good Luck...you are sooooooooo not alone
I am so confused.. What is
I am so confused.. What is DH and when I try to google "adult spousal status" I don't understand what is being said to me. Please help shine some light as I am lost .
My DH basically said the same
My DH basically said the same thing but I didn't realize at the time either what that meant. My entire life revolves around SS, his BM and their custody. She gets a huge chunk of our money too. I thought it would change when our DS (now 1) came into the picture but it hasn't. All the time I hear "get out", "you hate my son so leave", "I want a divorce" etc. He makes it perfectly clear this is NOT our house and he also makes that clear to my DD6 that this is also not her house. She only gets to live here bc I do. I also completely agree with paul in utah. Its unfortunate but thats how it goes. I think it is hard to fully understand what being a step parent is until it is too late and your hands are tied.
I get it, I didn't mean
I get it, I didn't mean literally. Hub and SS have a Father Son relationship. And Hub gets the point after I beat him over the head with it. So much so that this is my new issue: http://www.steptalk.org/node/44935
:jawdrop: Sorry for the confusion. I didn't think of it "face value"
If we could only have a
If we could only have a do-over for our bad choices. Sooo agree that you are not alone, but not sure that makes it much easier. I could have said it myself..."It was presented to me as "I have a 5yo son and he is my best friend so if this is something you cannot deal with than let me know now" ...just substitue 11 year old son and you are me. I also heard, "my son will always be number one." And to that I also heard just as you did..."What I heard was- I am a man that loves my son and I will love you the same if you let me!" The harsh reality is that he was number one and always will be number one, and hubby will never make you the love of his life because he already has that in his son. In a good family, the happiness of the children revolves around a solid core of man and woman. That is how the universe is designed. In these messed up step families, I agree with what others are saying, the parent and kid are the couple at the center of the universe, and you are the lonely planet circling around aimlessly. Yes, sadly you are invisible, as I am, until the precious child is not around to meet daddy's needs. Then daddy gets very lonely and suddenly he notices that you exist, but don't get too comfortable because the moment that kid reappears, you vanish. We are all there my dear...still trying to figure out what to do myself.
So darn true. Thanks for the
So darn true. Thanks for the refreshing honesty. I have tried to describe the invisible syndrome to DH to no avail. This should be clearly stated in some sort of SM manual.
The amazing invisibility
The amazing invisibility cloak that we seem to put on when we step into the roll of being a step parent. What I don't get about the lets put our relationship on the back burner so I can dedicate many years to establishing a relationship with my kid(s) is what about when they grow up and move out? What happens then? Oh I know. Then we get our chance. We're expected to just wait our turn. Well what if we don't want to wait. Is it to much trouble to sit next to me for like 30 minutes when his kids are there and awake? How about sitting next to each other at the dinner table instead of him sitting in between the two of them? What about setting an example as to how a relationship should work so that way when they grow up they'll have a general idea as to how to keep one intact? They're obviously not going to get it from the previous marriage.
I feel for you. It's frustrating. As for the ex wife thing, I think most of us will tell you that unless your SO stands up to her and sets some boundaries there's really nothing that can be done.
Just a suggestion. Have you ever thought about doing something for yourself. You know enroll yourself in a cooking or dance class. Get back into a hobby that you used to love but just can't seem to find the time for. You may find that these things are less annoying when you're doing something for you.