In light of all that has happened to DH and I in the last 4 years has really just gotten to me lately. DH and I both have disengaged from SD19 and now his family. I should be happy and deep down I am but then why do I feel so down lately? Why do I feel this sense of fear and this sense of insecurity? Its so hard to explain how I feel so I am just going to write and hope it all comes out the way I need it to.

I feel lack of trust for most people around me after all that we went through..I mean his family even turned on us which seriously I don't know why I let it bother me when honestly they are the most judgmental and crabby people I have ever met in my life and every holiday there is always some sort of drama with them and I don't want them back in my life so I cant understand I am not jumping for joy. SD19 well if you read my stuff again happy that she is out of my life but why again am I not jumping for joy?

Why do I feel so yuck lately and so hurt, yet hurt might be it. Betrayed. I feel hurt for my DH too, he is such a kind, loving soul and I am not just saying that. He is a supervisor at his job and regular workers know they can trust him and vent to him about anything. He is the type of man that would give his shirt off his back for anyone. He is loyal, he loves me more then life itself. He treats me like gold, I mean yes we have our couple issues and looking back at the 4 years of hell we went through just thinking about who he is makes me know why we happened to survive that and not end up in divorce. I watched him in the last 12 years be the best dad to ALL of his daughters. (2 from previous marriage and our two together). I look my babies and I look at him and I couldn't have picked a better man to be my husband and especially the father of my children. I hurt for him. I hurt deeply for him. His own daughter created such turmoil and pain for him and now his family just did the same. They told him he is a horrible father and failed his daughter. Giving SD19 the ability to not take any fault. I just can never forgive them and I can never forgive her.

which brings me to the next topic. Forgiveness. We are a very Christian family (DH, Myself and our little girls DD8 and DD3). This wasn't us always, it happened when we were broken from all the crap we went through that literally brought us to our knees. We had no where to turn and when we moved to another town, which this town saved us and I will get into that in a bit. When we moved we knew with all the praying we spent doing and this came out of no where by the way, the praying just started on its own. We needed to find a good church. We felt we were not getting anything out of our Lutheran church and so we found this church that is just different. I think its a common type of church but never had been to one. It is bible based, it has a live band and we sing Christian songs and it is focused on all ages so we love it and our kids love it. I know my children are just as Christian as we are as if you ask my 3 year old who made her she will say "God did" and my 8 year old after watching us and learning the meaning behind it wants to get baptized by immersion. Anyways to get to the point...I struggle with the whole thing on forgiveness and I know its the Christian thing to do BUT I CANT and I DONT WANT to. Is this normal? I know I wasn't created to be perfect and I know that I do things wrong but I am afraid if I forgive then they will be welcomed back in my life and I cant do that. Too much damage has been done, mentally, physically and health wise.

Why do I feel the way I do rather then feeling joy? Why do I fear her (SD19) coming back into our lives...DH doesn't want her back but I constantly fear she will come back. I don't want her back. I cant stand her face or who she is and what she did to us. I actually feel I hate her but yet if I hate her then why do I hurt? I must love her, I know I loved her like a daughter once but now I really despise her and I also feel the same towards DHs family.

I feel I lack trust in people. I used to be the big hearted person who gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now I trust very few and I have become less out going in the sense of not really wanting to let too many people in. I feel I even sometimes don't trust my older SD22 who has been a saint to me and confides in me and even though she has a relationship with her mother even tells me to be careful what I tell her mother because her mother backstabs me (I already knew this, no issues with it, its BM and its who she is but its the simple fact that SD22 looks out for me that way). I mean SD22 still sees SD19 and even though she is really good with us about the situation I find myself feeling like I cant trust her at times. I don't know why and I shouldn't as she is a good girl. I don't know if its just the whole I want SD19 out of all of our lives or what. Like I seen a cover photo on facebook on SD22's page and it was her mother, herself and SD19 so right away the trust goes out the window.

Look I don't even know if any of this is making sense to any of you but I obviously needed to get this all off my chest because half way through it I broke down and cried. You know one of those hard cries that almost make you feel better after your done with it. I feel so much right now and I don't think I can possibly feel anymore. I feel so broken. Yet I should be happy that they are all gone because like I said, I don't want any of them back.
Today DH went to therapy with me and it really helped. He did this for me but as we were there I let him talk more then me, the reason...I know he hurts and truly I know he benefited from it. He is a man so its hard to open him up to therapy but he really liked the therapist so who knows, maybe he will go. He copes differently then I do. I fell asleep tonight at 7pm and woke up at 11pm to everyone in bed and a letter to me. This is what the letter said from my DH. It kinda made me cry.

"My name, You are blessed to be a blessing. Be a blessing to those who are in need and those who truly love you. We are not perfect but we are perfect in Christ's love. The Devil will dwell in our minds of regrets and what could have been but through his love we are saved. I love you, Love (nickname I give him) "

I don't know, well maybe I do a bit but what he means by this. What was going through his mind? He never writes this kind of stuff. I don't know, I went and crawled in bed and snuggled him for a bit after I read it. I think he was hurting tonight. It makes me feel so sad for his pain. I love him so much.

I am sorry if I sound confusing. Also sorry to talk of my religion so much as I try not to do that but it is a part of me. I am posting this in both the adult step section and the general section to get as many views as I can to maybe shed light on the way I feel. Thank you for taking the time to read. I feel better getting it all out.