I didn't usually pay for my stepkid's meals until we shared income as a couple. When we got married and started sharing finances, I was fine with it but I expected the same I would of my own - say thank you, don't order the most expensive thing, and finish your meal (or bring it home and heat it up next time you're hungry). Simple manners when someone is taking you out for lunch/dinner.

But yeah, at the beginning when we were just dating, DH (then boyfriend) would always cover SDs food if we went out to eat OR if I was treating for whatever reason, I'd cover it. 

My opinion is that it's not your job to pay for them at all. I get what you're saying about waste. My SD always used to order expensive drinks and drink a few sips and waste the rest it always drove me nuts. I was always allowed to order whatever I wanted as a kid but if I asked for something I was expected to finish it. We don't eat out much so it wasn't a big deal though. Have you ever spoken to your SO about what they order or splitting the bill?

Yep. 
It used to drive me crazy how wasteful my skids were at my expense. They would open 4-5 sodas a day, drinking less than 1/3 of each can and letting the rest sit around to go flat. They'd take a slice of cheese and put the block back in the fridge without wrapping it up...letting 90% of it go dry. They'd pour enormous glasses of milk and orange juice and not drink them...pour most of it down the sink an hour later. I could go on and on. I quit buying junk and drinks and told them they could walk up to the grocery store and buy their own if they were craving a soda so bad. They all became water drinkers, which is healthier anyway...and I no longer had to feel like they were pouring my hard-earned money down the drain. 

It's not your job to provide for someone else's kids. If they aren't already separated, separate your finances now. Start buying groceries that you like...only for yourself (that's what I did for a while...then I went back to buying groceries for the household but on a strict budget. I cut way back on snacks and convenience foods and told the skids and DH...when it's gone, it's gone because I've spent what I plan to spend on groceries for this week. They whined at first...but eventually got used to the new normal.) Next time you go out to eat, let your DH know that he's paying this time. You'll be surprised how quickly he puts some limits on what they can order. 

You didn't mention the kid's age. If he is old enough to be ordering for himself, I'd think the least his father could do is give the kid a guideline on what he can and what he shouldn't order. What does his Dad say when kid pops up with the pricier items always? 

Anyway, frankly, if I were going to have an issue over prices at breakfast , I'd just buy the ingredients and make breakfast at home. I don't find $4 worth getting upset over, but I'll ask, why isn't his father buying or at least helping pay for the tab? 

I enjoy an occasional omelet too, so if I were ordering one, I would not tell my child he could not. However if I had kids who didn't eat much of what they ordered, I'd likely suggest they share and I'd ask for an extra plate. Example, two kids each get half the omelet and maybe an extra side of toast.

But no, you shouldn't be forking out for the kid (regardless of what he orders) if you don't want to. Let his father pick up the check. 

The whole "treat them as your own kids" is hilarious to me. They are not your kids. You are reminded daily by them that they are not your kids, either by the step kids themselves, your spouse, society or the ex. Did you get to raise them the way you chose? Do they treat your like you are their mother? Does society treat you like you are their mom? My guess is the answer to all three of these questions is no. To answer your quesitons your husband should be giving you money to pay for his kids meals before you take them anywhere. If he does not quit going out with them and eat at home. These kids have a mother and father who are living. That is who should be paying for their meals, not you. When greedy little Johnny gets to dictate that he can have one of the most expensive thing on the menu (ridiculous btw) thats when his mom or dad picks up the tab (not you) when the bill comes. Do NOT be used!

We very rarely went out to eat when SD was with us. Total waste of money.

Well, how do your finances work? We have a joint card and then each have our own personal cards. If we go out together, just DH and me, then we use our joint credit card which gets paid off out of our joint account.  In the past, if we had taken SS out to eat when he was coming over, DH would use his own card for all of us. 

I think.  I don't really remember, but I wouldn't have minded paying for SS, since he has good table manners and DH would have never allowed him to order the most expensive thing on the menu.

Tell DH your concerns. I think men tend to operate from the "if she isn't complaining, she's fine with it," logic.

DH and I were talking about something (can't remember what - but it was not SS34).  He made the comment about how he didn't like to be used.  I had to stifle myself not to say that was yet another reason I wanted NOTHING to do with SS.  He's the biggest loser/user ever.  It just gets worse as they get older.

DUPLICATE

Our money is pooled in our marriage, so there's no question of who's paying.

When we go out with SD, it's ALWAYS a gourmet restaurant (she's a FOODIE!!!!) and she has no problem ordering every course no matter the price. $20 oyster appetizers, $40 steak...we NEVER eat like that! I hate that food. Who the hell wants to eat trout with raspberry sauce???

And taking home leftovers? Out of the question for princess!

Once we were going to a diner and SD was going to meet us there with her husband. I told the waitress to give us 4 menus, even though SD wasn't there yet. My husband said 2 menus would be enough because, "SD doesn't like diner food." WTH?

On occasions when you take out SS, make it IHOP or Waffle House. If you're paying, it's your call. If he's 9, there's no reason he can't order from the kids menu, especially if he has a habit of not finishing his meal. And make sure his leftovers are packed up and sent home with him.

Ridiculous these brats can't eat leftovers.

You could also get used to enjoying eating out alone lol I do it a lot because I also dislike spending money on SD because she's not a very grateful person. Prior to having my son, I'd head out grocery shopping or something around the meal time I wanted to eat out and I'd treat myself alone and not tell anyone. Now that I have my son, I bring him out for breakfast at least once a week on the weekend - just him and I :) 

For a 9 year old... he should be told that he can pick "whatever he wants" from the CHILDREN's menu.  Alternately, the adult can pick a meal for him.  I don't remember being allowed to run up my parent's tab as a child.. why does he get this privilege.  The person paying gets to dictate.

and.. no you don't have to continue to pay for his.. but what you can't really do is not feed him at all.. if dad is there.. .dad should probably be getting a share of the bill.

You aren’t married and not living together. You are dating. Why are you paying for their meals??? And why just three weeks ago he was a boyfriend who doesn’t live with you snd you complained he barely sees you and you are alone a lot and now he is a husband all of a sudden? How did that happened? 

I would first end the blame on the kid. He's 9 and that isn't old enough to know all of these subtle polite nuances of being taken out to breakfast/lunch. Your gaze needs to shift to the dad, which you should have an honest conversation with. It's an understandable topic. Let him know your boundaries and be clear about what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with. But also, know that if you take someone out to breakfast, expect they might order something that costs more than what you ordered. To me, a $4 difference isn't a big deal. Next time take him somewhere cheap and you can afford whatever's on the menu. If he doesn't express gratitude, since you're an adult and major role in his life, its' ok to say "what do you say, bud? say thank-you" and when he says thank you give a big "you're welcome!" No, it isn't your obligation. But he is still learning this stuff and it's fair to expect people in general to correct children for the better. 

IF they are being wasteful... don't pay.  Rather than allowing them to order for themselves, order for them. If they don't like it... they can starve. Their choice.

Once they catch a clue.... adjust and try it again.

Keep up the pain, their behavior will change.

My SS is the same. He always, without fail, orders the most expensive thing on any menu when we are out. It's been this way since I've known him, so since he was 7. Yes, 7 years old. DH allowed him to order whatever he wanted at 7 years old. He did not order from a kid's meal at that age. Yet, he never finished his meal. He would regularly leave half of it untouched, so that DH would finish it.

It was ridiculously frustrating for me to watch this everytime we went out. And, when I first met the skids, I learned that DH took them out to eat almost everyday, if not twice a day. It was gross from so many standpoints...unhealthy consumption, wastefulness with food and money. I mentioned it to DH early on, but it probably took him two or three years to actually address it with SS. Instead of being a parent and give SS a choice from a selected menu, he allowed him to get whatever he wanted. Then, when he actually started to explain to SS that he shouldn't be ordering the most expensive menu item when he was 10 or 11, SS would just complain about how he needed bacon or that he was really hungry or that he would forego dessert, but then cry when he didn't get dessert.

He's 14 now and it's just a running joke at this point for DH. He still tries to order the most expensive thing every single time, like he forgets every time not to order the most expensive item. But, through the years I've basically managed this by only going out with him maybe 4 times a year max (if not on vacation - and I try to avoid vacationing with the skids now). DH can deal with the behavior on his own if he wants, but I don't want to be a part of it. So, when I do go out with him, it's only to McDonalds, so that his spending is controlled, since the highest priced meal is $11 or $12. I would rather cook at home than go out with him. DH is totally on board now as I think he is also frustrated with the behavior, but doesn't want to take initiative to change it.

If the kids are there DH pays for all of us. We have family movie+pizza night on Friday. he buys the pizza.  If dh cant take us and I really want to go I pay. Sometimes i make homemade pizza for pizza night so we can do something else. My DH paying makes me want to pay.

Sometimes SS12 gets really imaginative with the extras. Thats when I give him a price limit. He can order say up to $10. Ss says he really enjoys having the $ limit. 

If that does not work there are other options:

1. Go to a family style restaurant

2. Order in advance for everyone or pickup dinner

3. Ask what he would like to eat. Then pick it up and bring it home 

NOTE: this however sounds like your DH expects you to pay so I would address that issue first!

I pay for my stepkids when we eat out sometimes. But I also have no problem saying "no you can't have that -it's too expensive" no matter whether I'm paying or my SO is paying. 

But it's widely acknowledged that we're cheap. My son and stepsons all know this.