Just found out BM told SS12 he came from a Sperm donor! Opinions please..
DH has full Custody of his two children SS12 and SS 16 as BM has a History of doing things she’s not supposed to and pissing Family Court off(long story).
DH is unable to have children but no one knows this including his children. SS16 is Adopted which he and everyone knows. BUT everyone including the children thinks SS12 is Biologically BM’s and DH’S but he’s really not DH’s. This is something DH was maybe going to tell SS12 when he was an adult for medical reasons but Certainly not now.
Well SS16 came home a few weeks ago and told us BM told SS12 DH was not his “real” father. Guess BM has been hinting around for months saying things like “funny you don’t look like anyone on your fathers side of the family” to SS12. When SS12 was not getting these Subtle hints to question BM what she means she just came right out and told SS12 how DH could not have kids so SS12 is a Product of a sperm donor. This all came from SS16. When we asked SS16 what SS12 reaction was to this he said at first he did not believe BM then really did not seem to care.
Its been three weeks and SS12 has not asked DH about this if it’s true or seemed bothered by this new information that’s been dumped on him. BM has one purpose and that’s to drive a wedge between DH and SS12. There is no other reason to do what she did.
Now the question is how should DH handle this??? As crazy nasty as BM is SS12 loves her to death so I can’t Imagine getting this kind of information from her. SS12 is acting like he does not care. Could it be he thinks BM is lying? He knows she hates DH. Since he’s not bringing it up should we just drop it and wait for SS12 to say something?
ugggh, so sorry
It is unfortunate. I do think that in a perfect world, DH should tell his son, but not at 12. The good news is that reputable firms check medical background of donors, so there should be no obvious issue.
12 may be too young to care, DH should discsuss with SS at some point
Welcome to Step talk.
Welcome to Step talk.
Please tell us how DH thinks HE should handle the truth.
Thank you! So happy to find this place
My DH is not sure. Since we know BM did this with the sole purpose of trying to Alienate SS12 which she has a History of doing he’s not sure how to Proceed. We were hoping SS12 would bring it up to us but he has not. We are hoping SS12 is just thinking this is just another one of BM’s lies and he just agreed with her as he knew that’s what she wanted to hear. I’m just hoping SS12 is NOT really bothered by this information but just holding it in and hiding how he really feels. Regardless DH is going to tell SS12 the truth but really wants to wait till SS12 is older not when he’s only 12.
Since it appears the cat may
Since it appears the cat may well be out of the bag.. and if it really isn't and SS16 is just pot stirring.. he is sure to tell his brother at some point anyway.. Your DH needs to address this with his son.
He needs to tell him.
Son, I understand that your mother may have given you some information about your birth that I was hoping you wouldn't have to deal with until you were a little older. I want you to know that the truth is, yes, your mother and I used a sperm donor because we wanted to have you. You are no less my son because of this.. and I love you. I'm sorry that I was not able to be part of the decision to tell you now and the discussion about this from the beginning. If you have any questions for me or just want to talk.. let me know. Again, just like your brother's adoption doesn't make him less my son.. your dna doesn't make a difference with you and me either.
^^Spot on, ESMOD.
^^Spot on, ESMOD.
My DH is not the bio father of SD26 or SS16, but he is their father. Period.
Been there, still doing it.
Been there, still doing it. No invitro though. Just a great mother, an outstanding kid, and .... me.
The rest is just detail.
I absolutely agree with this.
I absolutely agree with this. I also think that your DH should act swiftly because when a 12 yo is not mentioning something like this it means he's probably dwelling on it and the longer he goes without being told the truth, the longer the negative ideas that DM has planted will fester. There is nothing to be gained by playing the wait-and-see game. Get this out in the open NOW.
BRAVO ESMOD
BRAVO ESMOD
IMO, children should be told as early as possible in age appropriate terms. Now everyone is left with this.
Poor kid.
This thread makes me feel sick inside actually.
YES, why, oh why do people
YES, why, oh why do people keep secrets like this? Kids feel betrayed when they find out as adults that they have been lied to for their entire childhood.
Of course he needs to talk to
Of course he needs to talk to him, why would he not talk to him? This is something that he should have been told a long time ago. It's really no different or more shameful than being adopted, and the sooner it becomes part of the story of the kid, the easier it is to accept it. But since the cat is out of the bag, DH needs to talk to him.
SS may not care, but he still needs to hear DH say, "It's true, but I love you just the same, as I do your brother, who is adopted. You are my son, period."
The child is 12 not 2. It's
The child is 12 not 2. It's long past time for them to know the truth, even more so with them knowing their older brother is adopted. DH should have been the one to tell him since BM seems unstable but the cats out of the bag. DH needs to have a sit down and tell the child the truth and that DNA doesn't matter. Clearly the child was very much wanted and DH has been and will always be his father. It's no different then the adopted child.
Hmmmm if I remember there was a post about
A DH spilling the beans to a 12 or 13 yr old about a BM who had to use a egg donor. Everyone jumped all over DH saying what a Horrible thing to do to a young child and there is NO need for a child to know this information at such a young age. I tried to find the post to see if anyone who posted here posted there also and see what was posted but could not find it. I for one agree with what others said on the other post but again I could not find. A child of 12 or 13 does not need to know if he came from a From donor or egg donor UNLESS both parents agree and tell the child together. The BM just like the DH in the other post did this for the sole reason of trying to become the favorite parent. Obviously there’s some reason the father has full custody. If I was the DH I would be talking to my Attorney or at least the Law Guardian and let them know the crap BM is doing. BM here is already in the dog with family court I’m sure it would not take much to get Supervised visitation to keep an eye on what she’s doing
I think we all agree that BM
I think we all agree that BM should not have told him unilaterally. And yes, he should bring this up to attorneys.
But I absolutely do believe a kid should be told the truth about themselves from their birth or adoption on. Keeping secrets like that often backfires on parents when the kids become adults and feel their whole childhood was a sham.
That ship sailed
Sadly your ss12 already has been told. The fact that he has not brought it up to his father does. It mean it is by bothering him. Ideally I understand your DH wanted to wait until he was older to have this conversation. However, that ship has sailed.
Your DH should find an age appropriate way to explain the facts to SS12. I personally think 12 isn’t too young. Most schools are having classes about reproduction in 4th or 5th grade. He knows the parts of the anatomy. He needs to know it’s ok to talk to DH about it and any fears he may have.