There are step parenting courses????? Wow! That is big news! ....who runs it? What do they cover? Why did you decide to go? What did you learn from it? Did your boyfriend participate too? Or is it just step parents that must adjust to the step family way of life? So many questions! 

As for your situation, the ex’s do tend to escalate when they see that they can no longer get their way. If you’re lucky and your boyfriend consistently refuses to capitulate then she may learn that things will work differently from now on and things may settle down. Also with the divorce still not finalized that is going to be stressful for you all and make you feel anxious about the future as it seems uncertain. Having said that plenty of bm’s do not settle down or just go through cycles over the years. 

Why not book yourself in to do something fun and relaxing on the weekends when the children visit? Their dad can get some good 1on 1 time with them and you have something to look forward to so that the weekend is not all stress. At a bare minimum I would avoid being present at exchanges and do not see BM especially if she stresses you out. You don’t need to be there. 

 If bm’s constant messaging is stressing you out tell your boyfriend not to tell you about it unless you absolutely need to know. Don’t bother communicating with BM, you have no need and she clearly doesn’t welcome it. Ignore what she says about your family, block her on your phone and any social media. Set all your profiles to private so she cannot snoop on you. 

If it is the children’s behavior that is a stressor then you need to address that with your boyfriend. He should be taking the lead on parenting in your home and helping the boys to move beyond tantrums and bad behavior by consistent parenting. Maybe he needs the parenting books?? 

Feeling out of control of your home is common when you have 2 people visiting frequently neither of whom are your children. Plus you have the added bonus of a third outsider who is trying to pull the strings as to how things are done on your home (BM). It can be further enhanced if your boyfriend does not fully keep you up to date on things or does not ask you about unscheduled visits and just expects you to cater to his children. He should be consistently there to prepare the house for their visits, do the bulk of the parenting work during the visits and clear up after them when they leave. It can feel like these two little whirl winds come in for the weekend and throw everything off balance and you are left running after them (and their father) in the spirit of making them “feel loved” and then clearing up after them all. Remember these are not your children and not your responsibility to do the boring parts of parenting. If you want to do some of the fun stuff sometimes then that Ian great but you should not be lumbered with the bulk of it by default. 

The truth is that in many real aspects things are out of your control and that is one of the hardest things about being a step parent. The details of their separation agreement is out of your control. The parenting of these children is out of your control. Which school they go to is out of your control. What hair cut they get is out of your control. The future of these children is out of your control. If your boyfriend dies or you break up with him then you wether you ever see these children again is out of your control. You may be able to have some influence over things but it will never be you who has the final say. 

The problem is not all yours - not even mostly yours - your partner needs to learn to have appropriate boundaries in place to deal with a high conflict BM, and also in managing his childrens' behaviour effectively.   Regarding BM, you could do some reading on high conflict people and maybe encourage him to as well. There are books on Amazon.   Like you and your OH, DH and I never fought except about step issues.   Your last remarks - about how to not let it affect you - well, certainly in my experience, this is not possible.  We are human, after all.   I would not bother trying to establish a dialogue with BM - it almost certainly won't work - you need to insist that your partner does all that, and that he keeps firm boundaries around what he will accept from her in terms of communications - these should only be brief and about practical matters to do with the children. 

First, Welcome.  This site helped restore my sanity because I see others who have had better/worse/similar experiences and have learned the same hard lessons I have.  It is good not to feel abnormal, isolated, etc. 

It sounds like you truly want to preserve and grow this relationship so Kudos.  I agree totally with the post above from user Kes.  Know that this is not your fault, just that you fell into a Step role.  We love our Bios but Wow they can be messed up.  But I digress ... Best suggestions from much pain and learning?  Start regular one on one talks with your SO.  Ensure that you understand his motivations/thoughts/needs and that he understands yours.  Establish boundaries and at all costs establish what the two of you regard as proper behavior around the house and make certain that you Both let the kids know and are consistent.

I'm afraid there is no way to not allow this to bother you.  From one guy to another, tell your SO to do as I had to do and man up regarding the ex.  He can be kind but firm and set unwaivering boundaries.  She will stop after an adjustment phase if he cuts off all her power over him.  Well, or at least get better as some BM's are way out there.  Please do not bottle it up.  I did and had a severe downward spiral for about 4 years.  Those feelings and my own lack of setting bounaries and house expectations with DW almost cost us our marriage. 

Good luck and Godspeed

Welcome to the site! I have found it to be a great resource

You sound really sweet so I'll go easy-- but honestly, it's not an easy situation.

You have a partner that essentially, for one reason or another, is stuck. And he is doing nothing to un-stick himself. He is still legally married (no judgment here, there's a lot of users here that started dating while they or their SO were separated)-- but he is still married legally, living with you, allowing you to parent (to an extent), yet thinks all the pieces will magically fall into place, that BM will all of a sudden respect your role and that you will naturally fit like the missing puzzle piece he and his boys have been missing.

Well, it doesn't work like that. For one, this guy sounds like he lacks boundaries and lives in the space that many here can speak to-- and that is where they live in constant fear of BM. What they perceive she can do (whether that's realistic or not is not the point), how miserable she can make him, how she can turn the kids against him, etc. 

When you're partnered with someone who is still partnered with someone else, bound by these emotional ties THEY have created and refuse to cut, you're already at a disadvantage. It doesn't matter how much love you have to give, or how great the kids are or how great HE is as a significant other. If he is still being controlled by BM and when confronted with it, throws it back on you as YOUR problem, then it's going to be a very long and bumpy road ahead. 

The constant texting, phone calls, demands and conditions set forth my BM can be managed by him-- he is choosing not to manage them. BM isn't making your situation miserable, he is. The fact that he can't or won't stand up to her (your words) says that he's not in a space to actually cut ties and be a parent, but is relying on her still to call the shots so that everyone gets what they want. He gets the advantage of a GF that adores his kids and bends over backwards to try and better herself to fit into their family, and he gets the advantage of knowing that so long as he complies with his exes demands, he is not going to lose out on time with his kids. So, he's happily stuck in the middle because it is serving him pretty well right now. Do what BM says, let GF figure out how to navigate all of this and then he just needs to manage a few fires here and there, all is good.

Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.

Do you really love being in the middle of SO and his XW/BM?  She should not be tolerated to interfere in your life at all.  She is SO's X and has nothing to do with your life, your SO's life or your relationship.  Why is it that SO lets her interfere in your life and relationship and what is about all of this that you find tolerable much less desirable in a mate?

Your SO does not make you and the relationship the priority and seemingly does not make any effort protect you, your relationship nor his children from his toxic X.

The problem is not you.  The one who needs the classes is your failed parent, failed father, and failed partner of an SO.  

Good luck.

Take care of you.