I have been dating my lady now for 2 years, and have been living with her for the last 6 months. I have backed off in recent weeks/months in the 'authority' role, and to a point I am disengaging.

My biggest problem is with their father. A little bit about the guy: He's never been a provider. The 17 years they were married, he never held a full time job, instead opting to live off his wife's income. She still had to come home and do the laundry, make meals, do the majority of the housework, etc. (which was never good enough, of course). His only way of dealing with things was through threatened violence (which he never resorted to, other than one time when he apparently slapped his 15 year old daughter), and bouts of screaming/yelling. He was very mentally, verbally abusive to my lady.

Anyway, the custody arrangement (which I don't agree with for what its worth) is that he gets the kids for one week, then my girlfriend gets the kids for a week, and so on. While we constantly emphasize to the kids that they are loved by not just us, but by their father as well; along with backing him on his rules (whatever the hell they are) when they are with him and telling them that when they are at his house, they must go by his rules and punishments, etc. In the meantime, all he and his family do is tell the kids that they don't need to listen to our rules; that "dad is the boss of us"; they say horrible things about us to the kids; constantly tell them that their mother is going to burn in hell; call her and me names to the kids; etc. and so forth.

Well, her boy is 13 years old. His father and uncles, etc. are big into guns and hunting. They let the boy shoot their guns, etc. That is all fine and good, because that is pretty common around here. A month or so ago, I took the boy with me to a gun range with an expert marksman who I happen to work with who runs the local gunclub and has quite a selection of guns that he let the boy pick and choose a couple to take out to shoot. He was shown the proper way to do things, and at all times we were very safe and "lecture-some" with the boy about being safety first oriented. The dad found out and immediately told the boy he couldn't go do that with me anymore.

In Jan/Feb of this coming year, we have already paid for a cruise to take the kids from Miami to Cozumel, MX to get away from the midwest cold and for the daughter (11 years old) to go swimming with the dolphins. Last winter we took them to Florida for a week and chartered a fishing boat, went on airboat ride, etc,. The dad is now trying to prevent us from taking the kids on the trip because, as he tells them, there is no need for them to go on such a trip at such a young age.

It is apparent that the only reason he does this is that since he can't give the kids nice things (or at least won't do so because it would take money away from him...since he now finally has been forced to take on a full-time job at 40 years old), he doesn't want them to have any fun with us at all, and wants them to see that he has such control over them. He won't face me at all, cowers and won't even look at me when he's anywhere in the vicinity that I am in.

I am on the verge of just coming out and telling the kids that we (me and girlfriend) want them to have nice things and to experience places and things that we never got to when we were their age. We push them to do better in school (something he doesn't do a thing about to impress upon them), and to be more responsible around the house. In return, they are rewarded with such things. he constantly plans events with his family for weeks/weekends when we have the kids, and then tells the kids they are welcome to come and stay the night with all their cousins and family IF WE WILL LET THEM, and then refuses to let us have them for even a few hours when our families and their cousins on her side are around. I just want them to see the jerk for what he is. He doesn't look out for their best interests, only his own best interests. He doesn't care about them succeeding, he only cares about them not liking their mother.

AAAAaaaaarrrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!