Just a quick Facebook vent
So, I am not a huge Facebook-er, or social media person at all really, but decided to pursue it again to keep up with my community and family happenings.
However, it is so toxic! I don't know whether to really take people's actions (or lack thereof) so literally on this platform. For example, I am hyper aware of my partners' family and my posts. If I don't include pictures of my step children in my posts, none of his family will "like" what I post. Or, they will comment "where is ____ and _____?" However, if they are in my pictures, everyone will come out of the woodwork to "like" them.
Or, his parents will comment on his ex's photos how beautiful/good looking her and her children are, yet they never post anything about me or my children (not saying I am or am not beautiful, but it'd be nice to hear positive praise from people that are practically in-laws, although we aren't married (engaged)).
For National Daughters Day (I didn't even know that was a thing until I logged on that morning), I wanted to try and interact with my step daughter and posted a nod to her for the "Day" and a few pictures of her, just the two of us, us as a family. She never commented, "liked," anything. No one in his family did, yet they "liked" the tribute that her bio mom did- my step daughter "loves" all of her moms posts, but doesn't respond to anything I do.
Am I just reading too much into this?? I feel like it's a super silly thing, but I also feel that sometimes passive things like Facebook "likes" can tell us more than we really want to know. I think my feelings are just a little hurt that I did a tribute to my step daughter and she didn't even react; I asked her if she saw my post and she said yes, and that was the extent of it.
It just reinforces that we don't have that strong bond/relationship, and just another check on my list of why our blended family isn't working (which is a heck of a lot more than just a silly FB post).
So, like I said, just a rant, but sometimes we can have irrational and silly thoughts and just need to get them out. Thank goodness for this forum.
Sometimes I think people take
Sometimes I think people take Facebook too seriously, but no I think in this case they are passive aggressively showing their true opinions. I remember the first time my DH posted a pic of me, ODS, SD and himself MIL fell all over herself talking about SD in her comment and nothing about anyone else. I found it strange and offensive and it was completely indicative of her true personality. To this day she will love any posts with bio grandkids, comment and love only ones of SD and only like ones of ODS.
With the SD i think it could depend on a couple more factors though. Like could she be afraid her mom will see that stuff and get offended? What is she like towards you in real life?
There could very well be a
There could very well be a theory behind her not wanting her mother to see her "like" anything that has to do with me. Her mom doesn't have the fondest feelings for me (which has nothing to do with anything other than I know it's really hard for some people to like someone else who is coming in and raising their kids in a "mom" role), and I know my step daughter also knows that.
However, I truly don't think my step children have the fondest feelings for me, either. We all co-exist, we all do the best we can, but I don't think any of us really like each other. They would be fine if I wasn't in the picture, and vice versa. That's not to say anyone is mean, disrespectful, etc., but I get the vibe that strangers are in my house whenever they are here...which is 50 percent of the time! You'd think after all of these years we would have adapted, but it's hard to force feelings that aren't there on people.
I did happen to mention the post to her last night, after I had already posted this rant. I asked if she saw it (in general conversation, I didn't go in and drill her about it), she said yes (all the while in her phone and never looking at me) and that the pictures I posted were ugly. And that was it.
Although my feelings aren't warm and cozy anymore, they've kind of grown to be what they are. I truly did want in the beginning to be a family and be the best "mother" I could, but things just happen over time. I thought we would get our hair and nails done together (I don't have a daughter biologically, I have two sons), do "girly" things, etc., but we just don't mesh that way, and she does all that with her bio mom.
I am the type of person that wants to be accepted by the people closest to me (including those that live in my house fifty percent of the time!), and have a hard time when people don't like me (I try to figure out why, and what I can do to rectify the situation). This situation is just impossible! As both my step kids approach teenage-hood, it's getting even more impossible, it seems.
I do think I should probably just delete my account, I am not really into social media anyway, and it just seems to be backfiring on me.
Sounds like disengagement is
Sounds like disengagement is the route for you then. You cant make someone have a relationship with you so let it go. I get the awkwardness of it in your house though, I feel the same with SD.
I dont think you have to delete your Facebook. Dont give them that much power. Just block, delete, or unfollow whoever. Follow things that are of interest to you or make you happy and post the same.
I agree with this. It allows
I agree with this. It allows for passive aggression through “likes” and silence. I would delete everyone associated w Bm and skids. I don’t have any connections to anyone associated w bm and ss on Facebook. I deleted DHs family because I’m sire BM could see any comments they made on my page, depending on their privacy settings. It’s not worth your peace of mind.
I agree!
I agree!! And I also think it is one thing to maybe have someone as a friend on Facebook to keep peace by not deleting them but it is something entirely different to like their posts or comment.
I am not a Facebooker but people tell me things and if anyone is friends with or comments on BM's stuff they are not a friend in real life (as we are not Facebook) of mine. It helps me know who I have to watch my back from. BM says things about us on FB all the time. If people like it or comment someone always tells me.
I too would delete anyone attached to BM or the family
Best Advice: Suspend or Delete Youre FB Account
More people get into issues over this than you can imagine.
It's referred to as "social media" but where else can you "unfollow" "block" "unfriend" "mute" someone and on and on? I call it "anti-social media." My life is so busy, and I honestly do not have the time to dedicate to posting, reading posts, etc. It's a huge waste of time and very divisive.
Fakebook
I have Dh's family and friends on my social media - instagram and Facebook. They are all kind, except this one - she would always make comments about "where is Feral Forger???" I finally had to private message her the deal. She stopped. There are a few people Ive had to private message.
Ive got Toxic Troll blocked on ALL social media, as does DH. I have a stealth account so I can check to see friends TT and I have in common. I have checked her timelline, but its all dirty memes. I told Dh, that I was shocked at the level of filthyness she has there, and how his friends who are still her FB friends respond! He recieved a text Sunday from a friend who said "whats up with Toxic Troll? Shes posting all kinds of nasty things on FB!"
DH just said, "I dont see her things, we are over, I dont even want to know!" Im like "I told you! I hope Munchkin stays off FB. Her posts are dirty, and the guys all comment with dirty."
I enjoy Munchkins posts on instagram - nice photos and sweet commentary. She likes my items as well, so its largely been a postive experience. Instagram is where Feral Forger likes to post. I dont currently have her blocked, yet.
I know how you feel, honestly
I know how you feel, honestly. FB appeals to different people for different things, and it's "easy" to be told to tune it out and turn it off. But it sounds like you used it as an olive branch to try and reach your SD since that is a medium that she uses and she acknowledged she saw it and then didn't make any type of positive remark about it. You're right to feel hurt, annoyed and frankly-- validated in your feelings that one half of your life is purposefully excluding you on social media. Kudos to those who don't use FB or who can brush it off but hey, we're all different and all trying to do our best here. I applaud you for stepping out and trying, knowing you could get burned. At least now you know, if that makes you feel any better.
And I also think there's a lot to be said for just existing with stepkids. That's something I think a lot of us do and many just strive to do, because having the fairytale unconditional love for stepkids really isn't the norm-- what you're describing is the best case scenario for many blended families. So hang in there!
Thsi is why I cannot stand
This is why I cannot stand facebook (or any other social media outlet). The passive agressive behavior not to mention the unreasonable expectations everyone has because of it.
How are you able
To see what BM posts? Are you friends? If not, unfriend her and hide all the folks who do this, your in laws. I get annoyed by this too.
Like most social media, FB is
Like most social media, FB is the "look at me" platform where people go for attention, sympathy, etc, etc, etc.....
It is funny how on FB when you don't just jump on board the like it or provide sympathy train and offer an opinion other than what the attention seeker is looking for the attack dogs zero in almost immediately.
I do agree with you on this -
I do agree with you on this - I see some posts where I am wondering why the poster even put that on there, if not for trying to garner attention.
However, I just scroll past.
I am not, though, trying to get anyone to jump on my "like it" train, I'm not there to garner attention or anything like that. I am still trying to navigate my feelings about this platform, because I'm usually a private person and my account is fairly new. However, my whole point in this is it did hurt a bit when my step daughter told me my pictures of us were ugly, and didn't acknowledge it in some way, because it was a tribute to her. It also is confusing why his family doesn't "acknowledge" my posts of my children at all, but only acknowledge those with my step kids in it.
If your child receives a gift at a birthday party and doesn't really like it, you still expect them to say "thank you" to the person who gave it to them. This might not be exactly in the same caliber, but I did expect her to at least say "hey, thanks!" or "like" it, or something- after all, it was for her. As I have stated earlier in this thread, sometimes feelings can be silly, and quite honestly Facebook can be silly to me sometimes, too, but we all expect people close to us to acknowledge us in some way when we do/say something for/about them, especially in this case where she "acknowledged" her bio Moms and other family members' posts to her.
It just basically reinforces the fact that I need to stop worrying about and trying so hard with the steps, when I am barely "acknowledged" (in cyber space or real space!) anyway.
When I am active on FB I don
When I am active on FB I don't worry too much about what others are doing in relation to my updates. I use FB as a connection tool to keep up on what is going on in the lives of people that I care about.
That's it.
I am usually the one to initiate and maintain contact with friends are family. FB is just another tool for doing that.
Don't take it so personally that it bothers you. You can ignore the crap just as easily as the toxic SD can make snarky comments.
Very true- I need to practice
Very true- I need to practice this and stop letting the negatives rule my life so much!