Letter to Stepkids
Dear Stepkids,
I hate when you visit. I hate your visits because it changes my lovely wife into a monster that just wants to fight with me. I hate your visits because I have to spend every minute with you or there is a fight. I hate you because every penny I make goes to you. I hate your visits because you stay up all night (even though you are 5 and 9). I hate you because you want presents every time you visit, even though you continue to be horrible. I hate your visits because they make me never ever want to have children with my wife. I hate you because I no longer exist when you vist.
Most of all, I hate the way I become when you visit, I hate the anger that boils up inside of me, and makes me want to kill myself just to get away from the pure frustration and anger that your presence brings. I hate that I wish you would get into a car accident on your way to your BF's house. I hate that you disrepect me and my darling wife does nothing about it, and when I do - they I am the "bad guy". I hate the thought of going back to court to get custody of you. I hate that you are going to be in my house, day after day, for 50 days this summer. I hate the way I dream about the days before you came into my life. I hate that you will be part of my life forever. I hate that I have to save and scrimp to put you and your brother and sister through college, while my darling wife contributes nothing. I hat that your Father is part of my life, a very unwelcome part of my life.
I hate what you have made me become, and I wish I could undo all of it.
Sincerely,
Your loving noncustodial stepfather
You need to file for a
You need to file for a divorce instead of staying in it and be a martyr.
wow.....very heart felt...sad
wow.....very heart felt...sad but most step's feel or have felt this way....I KNOW I H~A~T~E the person (stepMONSTER) my SD has made me!!!!!
Divorce? Do you have children yet with this BM? If so I would hate to leave this child in such a life...
Good Luck...Hope you will learn and grow from the insight here from others in the same StepParent HELL as you...
You need to get out of that
You need to get out of that marriage right now.
I believe you'll save yourself from harming someone and going to prison for life. You have such intense feelings, I fear you'll lose self-control and physically harm these children. Then, your life will be over and the big boys in prison will own you.
Is that what you want? Because with your angry feelings, that's where you're going to land because you sound ready to take these kids "out".
Got news for you...the little darlings aren't going to mature and be nicer. Uh-uh....they're going to act that way to you and any other "father" figure in their life...including their own biological father.
SOunds like the mother married for your wallet. You are the wallet to this "darling" woman, her children, the ex-husband. You sure the "darling" wife and the ex-husband aren't in cahoots to drain your accounts of the children??
Get out of the marriage NOW!!!! Whatever costs...you'll be saner, healthier, and these hateful hurtful terrible children out of your life forever.
Nancy...what I
Nancy...what I learned...one's not a "Martyr" for staying in a hopeless marriage as this....more like a moron. Wished I'd packed it up years and walked out insteading of now chilling my husband's kids and having to protect myself from them.
"drain your accounts of the
"drain your accounts of the children??"
Should have read...drain your accounts FOR the children.
I've seen that...childless man married by woman with kids just for his money. However, he set her straight from the get-go and let her know he wasn't repsonsible for her children and if she wanted them to have nice things and attend college, she'd better go to work, remarry, or get the loser she was once married to fork over.
It wasn't pretty....but she stayed with him because the man was loaded with dough. Her children were a mess, not welcome in his home...her ex always a step away from prison. One son a drug addict...the girl, have no idea whatever happened to her.
However, the woman gave up her tennis, golfing, and her newly acquired "better & smarter than thou" attitude (since married to the rich guy), attended the local college and guess what she became? A psychologist and family counselor. Tew funny, huh??
Why are you still there? The
Why are you still there? The best thing you can do for those kids (and their mother) is to leave. Who in their right mind wishes for kids to die? I wonder what a letter from those kids to their stepdad would look like.
A pretty good story and if
A pretty good story and if its true you gotta go.
Have you considered disengagement? That's where you don't have any contact beyond what's required, have no responsibility, enforce no rules, to not assist or correct the kids and certainly don't save or give any money or presents to anyone on their behalf.
You simply do not exist in their life unless they're doing something really dangerous like starting a fire on the living room floor.
Once veryone realizes you don't care you'll often just be in the background. You don't need your wife's help with this either. You just let them do whatever they want. Install a lock on any door you want them kept from entering and get on with your life.
Disengagement has worked for many step-parents. Try it you'll like it.
I'm a bit disgusted by the
I'm a bit disgusted by the lack of compassion some of you have shown this person. If it were a SM would you have responded with "I understand" and "I've thought about writing the same letter"?
This guy is VENTING. Hello. He's frustrated like many of the SM's on here. Remember that he too has all of the responsibility and none of the authority. Just like the rest of us who have also seen the strain on our marriages, finances, physical and mental health.
How about giving the guy the benefit of the doubt here? This was a venting letter and not one he left around for his skids to read. How about a little empathy and understanding, instead of condemnation.
MB - I agree with OC, CA - disengage from your skids. Get some counseling. Sit down with your DW and let her know you can't carry this load any longer and you need her help. I understand how you feel and it's very frustrating being in this position. You very much need to step away from your skids and just let your DW deal with it. If she's not going to back you up, then she can't argue if you decide to pull away. That the price SHE has to pay for not giving her marriage the emotional support it needs. Most of all, unless you're planning on having kids with your DW, then as the non-custodial parent she needs to get off of HER butt and get a job to support her own kids. That's not your responsibility.
If you really are at your wits end, then I strongly suggest counseling and an exit plan. This situation will not get any better without some outside help.
Thank you leahmcc311 - I
Thank you leahmcc311 - I appreciate this. I could tell by reading his letter that he doesn't like the person he's become. Not that I agree with him blaming the skids, though I understand the need to put the blame on them since they're the focal point of the problem. But it sounds like his DW is taking advantage of him and that's the person he should be dealing with. But in his own time. Right now, he should learn to take care of himself through disengaging and personal counseling so he has an outlet for his frustrations and his own role in his situation.
It's funny I've moved through the range of emotions with DH's kid from like to love to hate to ambivalence. And ambivalence is where I'll stay with her. I disengaged about two years ago and I'm not longer emotionally invested in her. Though my wallet, through my DH, takes a hit now and again. But since I've disengaged my mental and physical health have improved.
The best thing I've learned from this site is that it's okay to hate DH's kid. She's not mine, I didn't raise her to be the manipulative brat that she is and I'm not responsible for her or her actions. I will treat her with the polite kindness I would offer a stranger, however the minute she's rude or disrespectful to me, I give her a "verbal" smack in the mouth. I no longer tolerate her BS towards me or our home. If DH doesn't like me dealing with it my way, too damn bad. He had his chance and he blew it. Now I take care of things myself.
The same thing that keeps
The same thing that keeps many of us without bios in our marriages. There was a time when I had more reasons to leave DH than I did to stay married to him. But through counseling we managed to work things out. Had I aired our problems here today, all of you would have told me to run or leave him or ask me the question of why stay if I hate his kid so much.
Kids should not be the glue that holds a marriage together. That's why I suggested he deal with the obvious problem, which is his relationship with his wife and their marriage. It may or may not be salvageable but either way he should take the focus off of the skids and deal with the very real problem of depression and marriage troubles.
Not all of us are going to like or love our skid, and in fact many of us dislike or hate the skids. Bottom line, I didn't stay in MY marriage to DH because of his kid. I stayed in for other reasons, reasons that are between DH and I. Not to have kids. Not for his kid. Because if that is the only reason for marriage then I would have stayed single.
This guy is FRUSTRATED and DEPRESSED. Re-read his letter, but with the eyes of someone who understands he needs a little hope. He's looking for help and direction. Bailing on a marriage is easy, especially if you don't have bios. Why would he come on here if he just wanted to bail on his wife? He came here hoping to find what the rest of us want. Help, sanity, clarity and compassion.
It wouldn't matter to me if
It wouldn't matter to me if it were a SM, SD, BM, BD, aunt, uncle or Joe Shmoe on the street, I will never support someone who wishes a child were dead. I have asked SMs here why they are still in the picture if they hate their SKs.
Because many of them love
Because many of them love their husbands and take vows seriously??
stv- that really hurts to
stv- that really hurts to hear. I worried this would happen to me. SO actually noticed though and didn't like it. I wanted that. I was surprised I got it.
I'm sorry about your situation.
Stv3, you know why I think
Stv3, you know why I think "they" haven't noticed that you've disengaged? Because they feel you finally got the message they're not interested in what you have to say or think. They probably feel that's a victory for them.....just shut up and come up with the dough.
That's just my opinion based on the attitudes of my husband's kids. They actually told my husband to sell out, give them the money...let them run the businesses. All of them now in a financial pickle needing "dad's" help because they're so stupid.
Disengagement is not a
Disengagement is not a cure-all, and it doesn't work for everybody. It works in my case because because my wife supports it. She agrees that it is just best for me to fade into the background while SD17 is home, with the understanding that she will make significant efforts to carve out "couples time" for the two of us. It is not a lot of fun hanging out in the bedrom to avoid SD17, but it will not be forever, and I do have the "couples time" to look forward to periodically. Once SD graduates, she will be out the door. I have explained to DW in no uncertain terms that SD17 is not going to continue living with us after high school. If necessary, we will sell the the house and maintain no permanent residence - that is how strongly I feel about it. DW is not crazy about this option, but she has promised to support me if it becomes necessary.
I was honestly thinking about
I was honestly thinking about an hour ago whether or not I should post a thread about the wonderful dream I had where there was a car accident on the way to drop the skids off at our house and there were no survivors. Please keep in mind it's not a serious idea, just one that floats into my head from time to time, especially after I prepared 3 course meals and desserts for EVERY meal without a single thank you from any of the 4 monsters or dh...only from my bd. Grrrr
Thank you all for listening
Thank you all for listening and your input. I was just venting. I DON'T wish that they were dead - in fact the first time I thought of that was when I was typing it out. They are mostly good kids, especially the 5yo - he is a joy. The 9yo can be difficult. I had a long discussion with my DW and when they return, there should be rules in place to protect me and my sanity. And I will be seeing a counselor later today. Thank you again for your input.
of course you don't, but the
of course you don't, but the thoughts arise. Get the out!
The counselor should help. If you don't feel like they are, find another one. Sometimes its just finding the right one.
Good luck to you! Vent anytime.
I am so sorry. You sound like
I am so sorry. You sound like you have gone through so much. You have such deep feelings of resentment and invalidation.
I hope coming here will help you see you arent' alone. Many of us don't want the kids because of the stress, the ungratefulness, and the financial burden they bring. I have been through some of the things you wrote. Your spouse being a different person when they are around. All your fights are skid related otherwise you are fine.
I wouldn't want them full time either! It scares me to think about it. I walk around with my stomach in knots when they are here. I have pulled away from them a lot because of all the drama they cause. Its so hard and when you keep this all inside... it builds up and you start to hate yourself for it.
Pull away, get some distance. FOR YOU.
Firstly - do a prenup so
Firstly
- do a prenup so your money is your own - get that secured ASAP
- secondly, write a Will - to safe guard your money being your own just in case - get that secured ASAP
- now that your finances are secure for your future ....
- thirdly, take a break/go on a holiday - on your own - somewhere you can think and reflect and write up a list of what you want in your life - be honest with yourself
- and lastly, put that list into action
This is your life, you have no-one to apologise to except yourself in making decisions that are right for you. You have no morale or legal obligations if you don't want them. If you are unhappy, bet your bottom dollar, everyone else is unhappy.
Make yourself happy and live true to yourself and get your life back!
Good luck!