Living with in-laws
Is anyone else out there living with their in-laws?
DH and I moved about 2 hours away from the city we were raised in and bought a house in a pretty little town about 6 months ago. Somehow DH ended up accidentally inviting his mother and her husband to live with us. Now we had discussed seeing if they wanted to move to this new town with us but when he went to talk to her, there was a misunderstanding and his mom thought he wanted her to live with us in the same house and she cried with joy and basically he couldn't tell her that's not what he meant. Despite knowing that this would be awful, I agreed, mostly since they are paying rent, which is great for us. Everything has been good for the most part but lately I started getting a weird vibe from them. I am a teacher so I was busy with reports and marking and I even had a community project that meant I had to touch base with students during the holidays. Due to this I wasn't spending as much time with the in-laws and was getting the feeling that they thought I was avoiding them (we share a kitchen and I used to hang out with them there a lot but wasn't when I had work to do). I chose to ignore these feelings thinking I was just being paranoid and I'm sure they're not upset. Well DH went to see what was up and his mom unleashed all this negativity about me saying that I'm not making them feel welcome anymore and I'm making them uncomfortable (for the record her husband didn't agree). Then said that I don't like SD14 and I never let her come visit (completely unfounded: one time I asked if we could choose another weekend when they wanted her and DH's grandparents to come up because I was in the middle of writing report cards and I wouldn't be able to entertain them, or concentrate due to noise). I thought that they were irked when I stopped spending as much time with them as before but I thought we have been here 6 months, it's time we settle in and become comfortable just doing our own thing. I'm extremely hurt by what my MIL has said, especially since she said it to DH and didn't tell me that something was bothering her. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Do I talk to MIL to defend myself or just let it go and pretend DH never told me? I don't want her thinking I am trying to keep SD away or that I don't want them here. But I feel that talking to her will lead to more confrontation since she hates being called out on stuff, so she lies to make it seem like that's not what she meant, then talks even worse about the person who confronted her behind their back. Any ideas?
Thanks for your comments.
Thanks for your comments. Tog, you're right that MIL is a drama queen that no one wants to upset. And the fact that DH didn't live with her growing up is what lead to the inability for us to say that moving into our house wasn't what DH meant. MIL was crying because she never got to live with her son (his dad had custody and he saw his mom EOWend) so I didn't intervene thinking that there may be some much needed therapy for the two of them finally living together. I think you are all right in that I should talk to her and ask her what's going on so she has the chance to tell me. The only problem is I know she will lie and back-pedal saying she never said those things and DH misunderstood. She will pretend everything is fine to my face then be even more tense and awkward around me after because she'll be mad that I talked to her about it and feel dumb about what she said. We have history in that department because the first time we met I overheard her telling my DH she thought I was trying to make her look stupid because I explained to SD something about stars or how flowers grow that MIL didn't know. We're dealing with an emotional child who has never worked or done anything with her life and so she sees the accomplishments of others as a personal attack on her, and she literally has nothing else to do but cause drama for the family. I'll have to think carefully about how I approach her but I definitely need to do it, regardless of whether she lies or not, since she'll at least know I'm not going to ignore this behaviour.
I will say DH and I lived
I will say DH and I lived with MIL when we first got together as it was best for all of us DH and MIL went through divorces at a similar time and had lost everything.
I think we had one issue the whole time (a little over a year) but it was discussed head-on and my MIL is now one my good friends I talk to her more than DH does.
I will say that if she needed help but it would be a understood thing not a "accidental". It sounds like your DH simply just didn't want confrontation to correct his mother and now it is a bigger mess than to begin with...you need to stand up to her and your DH maybe help her look for a new place saying you want them in the town but is clear living together is not right and you understand she didn't live with your DH growing up but now everyone is adults.
my MIL moved in with us for 3
my MIL moved in with us for 3 months when her house was flooded and it almost destroyed my marriage (and my relationship with her). it took a couple years to move past it. my MIL is a drama queen also. if you are not dead set on them moving out, I would not say a word to her about what your dh told you. I would simply make statements, not ask questions. I would tell her that you are sorry that you've not been able to spend much time with them lately, but this is your life. you carved out time to make them feel comfortable when they first moved in, but now you have to get back to real life, and your real life is work and trying to provide a future for your family. I would also say that I hope they understand, but if they feel the need to move out because they are feeling snubbed, which is totally NOT your intention, then you understand. by the way, this is NOT going to end well, it's already starting.
my fiances' marriage ended,
my fiances' marriage ended, in large part, due to his in-laws who lived upstairs and whom he financially supported for 15 years.
In addition to the resentments fiances situation caused, it also did not allow for them to have a normal sex life, and they could never argue and work things out becuase they didnt feel free to yell at each other if necessary. so disagreements went bottled up for months or indefinitely which was not healthy. priacy was non existent.
do yourself and your marriage favor and get out of thsi arrangement NOW.