Long rambling - sorry in advance!
I posted this once before, but I never saw it actually post! Sorry if it's a duplicate.
The weekend before Easter and Easter weekend were difficult! Sent me back to therapy level of difficulty! Therapist thinks that SD acts out because she's needing more time with DH without having to share him with DS or me. Therapist thinks that DS feels the need to point out everything that SD does wrong because he feels that she gets away with too much. Therapist advised that DS and I get very busy on weekends. DS attended a birthday party one Saturday, stayed with a friend and his uncle the next 2 weekends. SD spent the next Saturday with MIL. And last weekend, DS and I attended an out of town church event. DS is definitely happier.
Two weekends ago, DH said that SD was sobbing hysterically when he picked her up. She wanted to stay with BM because DS was so mean to her and began to list his crimes. (One being that DS spent all her "coins" in an online game they both play - but naturally forgetting that a) she asked for his help and in helping her level up, DS "spent" the coins and b) I purchased the "missing" amount of "coins" FIVE weeks ago.) To cheer her up, DH let SD spend the night with MIL.
This past week, SD got busted taking her iPod to school. The school held it for the rest of the week and BM grounded her from it for a 2nd week. Naturally, SD was sulky all weekend. I made two suggestions to her this weekend. The first was for her to change shoes when going out to play in the wet grass; she declined. The second - she wore a special outfit on Friday, after I folded it, I asked her to go ahead and pack it so it didn't get left accidentally; she declined.
I told DH that it was obvious that SD resented me for these types of suggestions and that I was going to stop. DH is now finally on board with me disengaging!
My questions are these -
1. I will continue to prompt SD9 (yes, folks that right, she's NINE) to wash her hands after using the restroom. The idea of her potty hands all over my home completely grosses me out!
2. In terms of public areas, do I prompt her to clean up her messes in the kitchen and bathroom?
3. In terms of her bedroom, do I prompt her to clean it?
4. DH will occasionally ask SD to tidy her room, but she just shoves everything under her bed and calls it "clean". That's not how DS has to clean his room (I expect his things to be put away properly!) DS obviously resents that he is expected to follow the rules, but SD doesn't. Is there a better way of dealing with this, other than to say, "I know it's not fair."
If you are disengaging, I
If you are disengaging, I would ask your DH to have her do these things. Then, either make sure she does it or HE does it for her. His choice.
I agree with this^^. I've
I agree with this^^. I've seen where people have also made a rule...anything left out after 9:00 at night will be thrown away...and then do so. Then, if it's important, either he or she will pick up.
This too!^^
This too!^^
On 4. I have young
On 4.
I have young Bio-children too and they are quickly learning to follow in my stepsons footsteps. DW, who finally admits that she let things get too far with some of her permissive parenting has learned to hold SS to stricter rules of conduct for the sake of the other two children. Last thing we want is for the two younger children develop the same bad habits that SS has. So for the sake of your DS, I wonder if it is possible for you and your DH to get on the same page. It shouldn't be a huge challenge since what you are asking for is not terribly unreasonable.
The best advice I can give you is not to be confrontational about it and set it up more as an end goal for you and your DH to try and attain. That is ultimately what helped me and DW. If I would state some infraction that SS did, DW would right-away defend him. This always ended with me and DW fighting a battle that I knew I would never win. So, instead we took the approach of both of us looking at the end result before starting. "Honey, I would like our kids to exercise proper hygiene. What about you?" Now unless your DH was born and raised in a cave by feces-throwing monkeys, I would suspect he would want the same thing for his daughter. This way, you both set rules for your children that you can both enforce.