Looking for advice and understanding
I am brand new to this forum. I came here hoping to get some advice, and if nothing else, be able to vent to people who can understand my point of view, because my Husband cannot!
I am 43 years old and have been married for almost 10 years. I was never blessed with kids of my own, but my Husband has 3. The oldest was 12 when he was killed in 2002, so needless to say, the other 2 have baggage. We sought custody of them in 2004, and won custody at that time. The Mother is not the nicest of people to say the least, and she is mentally unstable. Needless to say, I can't stand the woman, and have banned her from my house. I guess I figure there is little that I can control, but keeping out of my home is one thing I have a say so with.
I get along with the oldest, boy, 17. He treats me like his "Mom" and calls me that when speaking to others, even though he addresses me by my first name. We gave them that choice from the beginning. He gives us the typical "teenage" grief, but all in all, I feel he respects me as his Mom. The girl, 15, on the other hand, not at all. She refers to me by my first name to her peers, which they think they can also. I believe that is wrong. It should be Mr and Mrs. Also, she will not refer to me as her Mom. Her excuse is that her friends get confused because she also talks about her Mother. I think this is a crock! She won't admit it though. She is also very much like her Mother in the way she acts, and since I can't stand her Mother, I am having a terrible time liking my step daughter. My Husband just doesn't get it, and feels like much if this is just me. I am not showing her enough compassion. I try to explain to him that I'm tired of trying to bond with her, and having her remind me that she has a Mother! Not exactly with words, but with actions.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I can't tell their "Oven" to go away, and I'm tired of fighting with my Husband because I can't get along with her. What do I do? Please help!
Welcome Diamond1968. I have
Welcome Diamond1968.
I have similar issues with my FSD only she's 6. I have gotten to the point with her where I don't try as hard and have found that this works. There are certain things that I'll do for her like her hair or paint her nails just because I know she likes it.
Kids can tell when you're really trying and for some reason I think it just turns them off to be being receptive. I'd like to say that they will come to you if you back off but that's not always the case.
I think that you have one of two choices that you can make. A.) Keep doing what you're doing and hope eventually it pays off or
Back off and see what happens. She may not realize anything but you may find that you are a lot happier in the long run.
And remember she's at an age where she is going to start to seperate herself from both you and her father. This might just be a stage. And it's very typical for the Bio Dad have his Boi goggles on whenever anything negative is brought up about their kids. It's never the kids fault. It's somehow your fault. Complete BS.
Thanks Unhappy, I have
Thanks Unhappy,
I have decided I have no choice but to back off and let my Husband deal more with her. The main problem is that her very existence is on my nerves. Her voice is like fingernails on a chalk board. I hate that this has gotten so far out of control, and I'm not sure how to get it back. I haven't been lucky enough to get her BM to fall off the face of the earth. Still hopeful that will happen someday.
It's not that I expect her to
It's not that I expect her to call me "Mom", but I at the end of the day will have raised her for more years than her BM. I deserve respect for that. I may not have given birth to her, but I am the one who financially supports her, I am the one who has to deal with sick kids, I am the one who cooks, cleans, works etc. I deserve respect if nothing else. I just can't find a bond, and don't LIKE her. It has nothing to do with what she calls me, it has to do with RESPECT!!!!! She isn't showing any. This is the frustration. NOT what she calls me!!!!!!!!
You have said her mum is not
You have said her mum is not your most favourite person, and that SD is a lot like mom. I have seen bio paarents hate their kids for being like the parter who left, so it would be far worse for you I imagine. Add to that it is not uncommon for 15 year olds to have a smart mouth, show off and try to rule over all and sundry, so in your eyes this girl probably doesn't have many redeeming features. I am sorry for your frustration. I can only suggest you keep out of things concerning her whenever possible and let dad manage her if that is at all possible. I agree with the poster who said if you are uncomfortable with her friends calling you by your first name, and you have spoken to her about this to no avail then, YOU correct them and tell them how you would like to be addressed. Your SD will soon cut it out if you do this because you will be embarrassing her in front of her friends.
hey...interestingly....Im
hey...interestingly....Im just watchin judge mathis tell this little upstart that she has no right to look at him with such disrespect and that he will throw her out of his court for doing so....he then went on to say how he has every right to do just that, as he is not her mother....
so....maybe you can think about how you are not the mother and should she be so disresctful towards you - & if you wanted to, you can 'kick' her out....again...saying bc you are not her mother!
that being said, my friend has 3 skids from her DH's previous marriage...their wonderful Bio mom left them with them one day and didnt come back for them....they dont call their SM mom either, instead they call her da mom....she brought them up from the ages of 3ish...and they are all now 20+
Ripley, Thank you for your
Ripley,
Thank you for your post. You're right, I just have to back off and ride this out. I suspect if I do, she will be visiting me on Mother's Day years down the road, not her BM. I think she is "hanging herself out to dry" there. New day, new time. Hopefully letting my husband deal with the bad stuff, things will get better.