I’m just not sure how to think or proceed anymore. This is really long so thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and attempt to comprehend the ridiculousness known as my life right now.

My Fiance has been involved in a custody battle since last fall. Essentially, BM started it by filing a motion to remove all visitations from my fiancé. She also filed a motion to have an attorney appointed to SD to “advocate her wishes”. Fiancé fired back with a request for 50-50 custody as his child was out of control and needed more structure. Because we give her structure, rules and discipline, SD13 said that she was “uncomfortable” in our home and that my fiancé was “verbally abusive”.

They went to court in January. Judge said BM’s motion was absolutely ridiculous. He said the child should be going on all visits with her father, including visitation. He also denied the motion for an attorney stating that the child has no say. When BM’s lawyer then said she’d file for a GAL, the judge said don’t bother because I’m not going to grant that either.

Last week depositions were scheduled. Fiancé was deposed, BM was not because after Fiancé’s depo they decided to “settle”. The “settlement” was not even a “settlement” in my opinion and I’m quite pissed about it. I think my fiancé settled too quickly to just end everything because he mentally could not handle the fighting. SD has been quite the little turd since this all started. If you recall from some of my other threads, the past month she has “refused” to go on visitation and BM has not forced her. My fiancé has had to call the police to document the denied visitation for contempt purposes.

After the BS “settlement” last week, it was for some reason decided that BM, fiancé and SD should all go out together to talk about the parenting plan and what was going to happen going forward.
Part of the agreement was that SD had to attend a program to learn about the local tech school that fiancé feels strongly she should go to. BM signed the agreement saying she’d go. Well, the program started this week, and guess what? SD “didn’t waaaannaa go” so BM didn’t make her. So less than a week after the “settlement”, BM is already back to violating the terms of the parenting plan/divorce agreement. It’s ridiculous. The program was in no way a commitment to go to the tech school. It was simply for her to learn about what it offers. Her mother and all of her mother’s family went to this school. It’s got an excellent program and reputation.

Last night’s little get together was a total waste IMO. Fiancé said he isn’t going to force his visitations. BM claims she will follow through with punishments that were agreed to in the “settlement” (basically taking away privileges when SD refuses to go on visitations). I know darn well she will never do it because SD begs and BM always gives in because she doesn’t want to listen to her. Also, BM already proved yet again that she doesn’t follow signed court orders so why would anyone thinks she’d suddenly start discipline?

Fiancé said he can’t handle going to court anymore, and wants it all “over”. I try to tell him it will never be over because BM will keep denying him his rights, visits, etc. His idea of it being “over” is to just let them run his/our lives and use the child as a pawn. The child who is a willing and fervent participant in this control game. To me, walking away is sending the CS every month and telling SD the door is always open if/when she ever decides to grow up. Instead, we will now continue to live the “will she come with us or not” game every single time we are scheduled for visitation. It means Fiancé will have to drive to the pick up/drop off spot (now a neutral location, which was one tiny victory in all this) and not know whether or not he will come home with his kid. The weekday visits aren’t as big a deal but it basically means we can’t make any sort of plans 2 weekends out of every month. I don’t like this feeling of being held hostage by BM and SD. I don’t like that Fiancé is willing to be controlled like this.

I just don’t get why he wants to keep trying. He said if I was a mother id understand but that I can’t relate. I get that this is his only daughter, but she’s been completely alienated from him by BM, is very disrespectful to him (and to me) and when I’ve asked him what joy this child brings to his life he can’t answer. I think he can’t answer because bottom line she brings him only misery. It’s become obvious that she is nothing but a financial obligation to him now and an emotional drain. He knows that many dads walk away or do crazy things to rid them of BM. He wakes up every day hoping something happens to BM which is not healthy nor will her absence solve anything. In fact, if BM died SD would probably get worse and he’d have yet another custody battle on his hands (SD’s grandparents would fight for custody even tho it’s clear in their agreement that if one parent dies the other takes custody).

I want and need to disengage from this child but my fiancé doesn’t support that. He wants the happy family when she’s with us but unlike him I stand up for myself and refuse to be treated disrespectfully, I refuse to put up with lying, whining, and manipulative behavior.

We had 14 blissful months together before telling SD of our relationship. The first six months of SD being around was definitely different but not that bad. Then the custody stuff started and everything went to hell. I now realize that the first six months of her being around was merely that “honeymoon” phase.
I love my fiancé and when it’s just him and I we are very happy. When she is around he is different. Stressed, on edge, and we both can’t wait for dropoff. I am too old for kids of my own; so I won’t make that mistake with fiancé. I’m just not sure anymore if I can do this forever. At minimum, fiancé is financially obligated to BM for another 5.5 years (when SD turns 19). If SD goes to college full time, he’s obligated for another 4 years beyond that (when SD turns 23).

I try to focus on the positives. Fiancé is not a “Disney dad” in that he refuses to spend any money on her outside of birthday and Christmas and he keeps spending on those modest. So other than CS, this kid is not a financial burden on us. He has really tried to discipline and is aware that the lack of it has been a major issue but he still isn’t as strict as id be.

He seems hopeful after the get together he had with BM and SD, but I think its all false hopes. I don’t think BM or SD has any intention of changing.

I stopped wearing my e-ring 3 weeks ago. Because of everything going on with SD we haven’t even discussed anything wedding related or been able to enjoy our engagement. I can’t help but think he only gave it to me to help bolster is custody case (I got it in December).

Part of me knows what I should probably do but I just dont know if i can do it. I guess I figure that if we dont have kids and dont get married then I can keep riding it out hoping for change knowing I have the easy out but not being tied to him through marriage or child.