Marrying a Man with a Daughter
I have been with my fiancé for 2 years and we have lived together for 1 year. We are planning on getting married this April. He has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship (NOT a marriage). He and the mother have joint custody so we have her every other week for the full week. The weeks she is not there are basically perfect. The weeks she is there are hell (for me- my fiancé loves it and wants her there all the time). When she is around, my fiancé barely speaks to me. She follows him around to the point where he can’t even go to the bathroom alone. He jumps to her defense whenever I ask her to do something and over stupid things like if I try to turn her TV down he will freak out on me. I feel like third wheel and like it’s them against me and like THEY are the couple. The whole time she is there, I can’t wait until she is gone and the day before she comes back I just DREAD it. It’s not like she only visits every other weekend either; it’s 50% of the time. I love my fiancé more than anything in the world but he refuses to put me first and I can’t take it. I don’t know what to do. I have already expressed my feelings to him and nothing has changed. The kid’s mother is also a nightmare but that’s another story. Is there anything I can possibly do to change things? My belief is that the marriage should be the priority but our (soon to be) marriage is obviously not his priority and that terrifies me. I don't want to end up divorced (I read the divorce rate for couples where 1 person already has a child is 70% so the odds are already against us). To top it all off, he has major guilty daddy symdrome so he spoils her and lets her run the show. His entire family feels sorry for her because when she goes to her mother's she is in a bad situation (mother is basically unemployed, uneducated, bounces from house to house and takes the kid with her wherever she is staying that night- you get the picture- she is the stereotypical "baby mama". They are raising a spoiled brat! Help!
Well, you aren't going to
Well, you aren't going to like the negativity, but...
He already has a girlfriend. His daughter.
If he isn't going to change, then you need to decide what you want to do.
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2010/10/18/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
I promise you it will get even more absurd when she's preteen-teen
christinen: I have created
christinen: I have created an account just to offer my experience with this issue. My stepdaughter is 32 years old today. She lived with my husband on and off throughout her childhood, until at age 16 she brought 8 other teenagers to our house and robbed us, destroying our house in the process. My husband still has a relationship with her, telling me that she has "apologized" and that I should forgive her, even though she has never apologized to me. She has three kids of her own from 3 different men, has been married twice, and has had countless other "relationships." Her children have been taken away from her by social services and returned, but according to my husband, she "is a changed person", and I should feel sorry for her. I could write a book about everything she has done to me, to our relationship, to her step-siblings, and to other people, including a mentally disabled person who she swindled money from. My advice to you is to run, as far and as fast as you can. What you described sounds like my stepdaughter when she was young. If I had to do it all over again, I would have found someone else to love.
Forgive her? No way. Sounds
Forgive her? No way. Sounds like she has way too much drama and that alone, I would tell DH I don't want her drama spilling over into our lives.
That's hard. Especially with
That's hard. Especially with it being 50% of the time. I've found ways to conveniently find some "me" time when she's there every other weekend, but that would be hard for you to get away that much. But, at the same time, let them spend some one-on-one time together - go shopping, get out of the house...a lot of us pray for that time alone! My SO does the same thing, we eat breakfast for dinner because she (SD2) wants to - I don't even sleep in the same bed with him when she's there because she refuses to go to sleep unless she can hold his hand while waiting to fall asleep, and he ends up falling asleep in her bed before she does. The world stops when she wants something. You're right, I guess it's a guilty Daddy syndrome...and it's nauseating. I'm at the point where I disengage now...I really tried to be involved more but I can't deal with it sometimes. So I do my own thing. He wanted the SD, not me. I'll smile and nod and put on a friendly face for her, but I refuse to let the situation take away from my happiness.
Where is Auteur and HER
Where is Auteur and HER list?!?
I'm sure she'll be on later.
I'm sure she'll be on later. Here is her list.
Here are some classic signs of "guilty daddy." These men make their CHILDREN their spouses and can not establish a healthy adult relationship because of it.
RUN!!
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night/morning)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
OH MY - that is so right I
OH MY - that is so right
I have never read it like that before - but so so right 
I have a question - does this
I have a question - does this apply to BM's aswell... like a guilty ex syndrome??
I suppose. I have no
I suppose. I have no experience with that though.
Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you so much for sharing this list! I said yes to almost every single question. To respond to your questions, he doesn't have any obligations to BM because they were never married. If we ended up getting married, it would be the first time for both of us. Also, he does not pay CS because he has joint 50/50 custody. Of course, if it were up to me, I'd rather have less time with the kid and just suck it up and pay CS. But not my decision. I think I am going to print this list out and show him!!
Don't marry him. Tell him you
Don't marry him. Tell him you refuse to come second to a three year old. Wish the 2 of them (him & his kid) the best of luck, and hit the road....with your sanity still intact.
Wow! If it makes you feel any
Wow! If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone. I was in the same situation you were a few years ago. The only difference was that we had the at that time 4 year ALL the time. The mom would only see if whenever it was feasable for her and NEVER on a weekend. I had to stick it out and look at the future, my fiance (husband now) was a wonderful man and father and I just decided to deal with it and hope that the little bratty girl would change. Over the years, Things were tough, but we used take one vacation every year alone (no kids at all his or mine) and every time we did that, i realized that I really liked spending time with him alone. After a while my now husband got fed up of paying over $1k of child support and still having the kid all the time (at least i made him see that because he was fine with it as long as he was with his daughter). The mom then made sure you had the kid 4 nights a week not weekend, so she could be entitled to her child support and even then she would call and say she couldnt have her for some stupid reason..and he would do it! The now 9 year old is not at bad as she used to be, atleat the every night tandrums are rare now, but she still wants everyones attention when she is around, she sits on daddys lap all the time, wants him to sit with her and watch tv, wants him to tie her shoes, to comb out her hair, to wash her clothes that are dirty so she can wear them again the next day, to do everything for her. To have even more control she has this new thing where she tells him that she is scared to be in the shower alone and in her room so he has to stay there with her. Its all about controlling. You see I am on to her games,but daddy will NEVER see that,. I decided to let it be with them, when she is here (now 4 nights a week and yes he still pays child support) I let him do his thing with her, I dont get involved, i find something to do , read, watch tv, go for a walk, etc.. we have dinner together, she does her thing with him and once she goes to bed we sit down and watch tv or talk to do whatever we want. Its not the best but its woeked so far. I still dread it when she is here, but I've gotten used to it. Right now its tought again cause mom has changed schedules again and that changes my life as well, but I just have to think of the future that there is a next vacation for me and him, I try to have quality time when I am with him. I decided to ride it out (eventhoug at times i feel like running away)we have a child together now(does not make it easier) and a 15 year old son from previous that is with us full time so I needed to compromise... I pray all the time that things get better (and in some way they have) and just wait for that day when its just him and I and all kids are gone!!!
So you see, its really really really hard, and sometimes its easier if we just stay out of it, if not, you will be fighting a never ending, never winning battle.
I now using forums like this, to see what others say and are going thru, it helps, cause one thing for sure, almost all of us have an issue with the Step kids, they are not ours so its hard to accept them. we all have issues with the BM as well.
We are all on the same boat one way or another, its up to you if you want to get on it or not.
Thank you all for the advice!
Thank you all for the advice! Stacey, I also planned my own proposal and it is a little embarrassing. It is nice that there are people here who understand and do not think I am crazy. My fiancé always tells me I am the adult, she is the child, she needs him more than I do, etc etc etc. He has also stated that he will never put anyone above his child, including his wife. He said that nothing is going to change when we are married (which is only 5 months away). I am just completely terrified and torn between what to do. I love this man and want to marry him, but he has so much baggage! I have never been engaged/married, have no kids, I have a good job, a college degree, I am financially independent so I have no other reason for being with him other than I just love him! It is so hard and unbelievably scary to imagine never being 1st to your husband.
He is telling you loud and
He is telling you loud and clear how things will be.
LISTEN TO HIM.
If this isn't the type of relationship you want, leave.
Oh yeah, he always says I
Oh yeah, he always says I should try harder and there are things I need to work on and all that. & whenever we try to watch a movie together or something, she will crawl in between us. Drives me insane.
Sounds like me when I first
Sounds like me when I first got with my husband! His daughter was 2 1/2...he had her 50 percent of the time, her birth Mom is a nightmare. At first my DH was guilty Daddy to the T...but as the years have gone on he has mellowed out. I don't know if he puts our marriage before his daughter though. In the beginning he did express to me that his daughter came first. He knew I disagreed. I honestly haven't asked him that question since then. It has definitely gotten better over the years..obviously since I married him!! But it is NOT easy being with a man with a daughter I'll tell ya that. You must weigh the pros and cons...is it worth it? I wouldn't rush into marriage either. I was with my DH for 5 years before getting engaged. I honestly think had we done it sooner..the wedding wouldn't have happened. At the 5 year mark was right when everything finally seemed to even out and calm down for the most part!!
I was almost married . The
I was almost married . The wedding was supposed to be in December. He gave me the ring on my birthday. I kind of hinted to him how I want to be proposed and he did what I hinted. So did I plan my proposal. I guess I did he just got the clues that I gave him.
I met his daughter 3 years ago. She was fun and all. The nightmare started with his mother and the kid`s BM. I was blind for the behind the scenes games at that time. I met his daughter with love and a heart . I love children - how difficult it can be . 3 1/2 years after that I could not recognize how stressed, out of touch with the real, jolly and happy me I was. The negativity and the nightmares that I had made me leave. He would not listen. He would listen but never change or do something. He was good at telling me what I need to hear and doing his own thing. His daughter is now 12. She sleeps in his room on a mattress next to his bed, sits on his lap, they go on movie dates and text to each other around 7-8 p.m. The last argument was about the texting that did not have any substance. I urged him to call her and ask her what is wrong and what she needs . He would not - he liked the texting and the attention that came with it. In his mind I was preventing him from communicating with his daughter. No , I just wanted my future husband present there when I serve dinner and we share how oour day went. I donot want him to smile and text like he is in a romance with another woman that he is hiding from me. I addressed it. He took it as me having "issues" with his children and being"jelous". Mind you he has a son that I get along with excellently and he is a GREAT kid. I even told him that I want to help his son and be there for him. My advice to you is to RUN very fast. People here told me to run 2 years ago. I did not listen and regret it. I am intelligent, smart and finishing my Ph.D, no kids , never married, more stable financially then he will ever be. He has tons of student loans - I have none. He pays child support etc. Currently , his brother pays his rent and his living expenses. I digged him out of a hole . Now he is back in the hole that I am gone. But he has to pay child support and manage to put gas in his car. His laptop broke down when we broke off our relationship. He wanted to second back up laptop to finish his final papers. I told him that he cannot have it. Tough luck- I am no longer the caring person that you manipulated to get where you need to get. Run to mommy , BM and your daughter for help. They are your family . I am just the third wheel that came after them. Oh, his favourite thing is - they were here before you . So since they were here before me I come second and will always be second best. Well, I chose not to be second best. I regret spending so much money with him. I could have bought a car. Instead I spend my money to pay for expensive vacations with him that he insisted on going. They were nice experiences but I could have bought a car and thought about my independence. Instead I depended on him driving me around.Lesson learned.
DON'T MARRY HIM, you will
DON'T MARRY HIM, you will regret it. Sooner or later you will be jealous & resent your stepdaughter because of the ways her dad & his family are going to baby her & feel like she needs special treatment just because her parents are not a family. I say u should go find a guy with no baggage,get married & start your own family with no stepkids to worry about.
DON'T MARRY HIM, you will
DON'T MARRY HIM, you will regret it. Sooner or later you will be jealous & resent your stepdaughter because of the ways her dad & his family are going to baby her & feel like she needs special treatment just because her parents are not a family. I say u should go find a guy with no baggage,get married & start your own family with no stepkids to worry about.
DO NOT MARRY HIM. Pure and
DO NOT MARRY HIM. Pure and simple. Run as fast as you can. Literally. Even if you talk to him, your life will be a constant struggle, and the negatives will ALWAYS outweigh the positives. I know I'm not in the same situation as you per se (although it's similar), but I'm about to turn 25, and I'm thinking of filing for a divorce. You may have to make this mistake on your own, but there are many people here who are giving you advice to help prevent the heartache. TAKE IT.
Oh yeah... I also read
Oh yeah... I also read somewhere that in EVERY marriage, the couple needs to come first, or it will fail. If he won't do that, well, then there's your answer.
My first post....might be
My first post....might be lengthy...so get comfortable. (: If you're having issues BEFORE you're married and if you're having issues with her being there ONLY PART TIME...you need to get out NOW!! I can 'almost' promise you that when his daughter turns 12 or 13 she will want to live with her dad FULLTIME. You HAVE to realize that. When she hits that 'tough age' she will think daddy will treat her better. Moms and daughters tend to really struggle at that age. So she will think life will be much better with her dad. Trust me, that will happen.
My husband and I had dated for nearly 7 years before getting married. His daughter lived 3 states away with her BM and visited 2 to 3 weeks per year. Never in my wildest dreams did I think her BM would give up the child support. Well, she did. She went off the deep end when we got married, and lost cutody of all 5 of her kids (4 from a different man). She moved 10 minutes away, divorced her then husband, and we ended up going to court to fight for custody of his 12yo daugher (at that time) because her BM was neglecting her. We 'won'. Won? OMG!!! We didn't win. So for 2 years now we have gone through hell. The man that used to absolutely adore me now looks at me with distain. I can not stand this now 15 year old girl. She was raised for the first 12 years of her life by a white-trash, manipulative woman with no morals..uses men/people to get what she wants. My SD learned all of this and my husband is just now starting to see it. I've seen it BIG TIME the last 2 years. So I've been the wicked SM and my husband can't figure out why I can't stand being around her.
I'm in a hotel an hour away from home right now because we're trying to decide if our marriage can be saved. Our lives are a living nightmare now. I've been crying for 48 hours and can't stop. I can't believe it's come to this. And let me tell you...until SD moved in, we were sooooo happy it was unreal. I'd found a man that I wanted to spend every waking moment with. We were so in love. We respected each other, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. So many people envied our relationship. It literally got better each year we were together. Not now!
I don't know what to do. But I know what I'd do if I was you. I would run as fast as I possibly could. My gawd woman, he's laid it out for you...and it WILL get worse as she gets older. That's a promise.
Her BM has now come back wanting a relationship with SD again. So back to court we went....SD now wants 50/50 with her BM. BM is dangling carrots in front of her face, partying with friends, fredome etc. and SD doesn't like rules at our house. The child had never been parented before and she isn't liking it at all. Her BM was 15 when she had my SD. SD's your 'normal' teen in a lot of ways ie; disrespecting, lying to get out of trouble etc. But in so many other ways it's over the top...there's abandonment issues etc. She's phoney as hell. I truly think there's some bipolar issues. She'll have a huge melt down and tell her dad, "I hate you and your f'ing wife." (yes, she said those words plus many other ugly things)... Then 20 minutes later (literally) will come ask him if he's hungry that she'd love to make him some lunch. I wanta puke when she does that. And he just goes with the flow, and says, "Sure, I'd love some lunch." And all is forgotten. He hates confrontation and sweeps stuff under the rug. I can't. My husband knows I can't stand her, and it's totally changed our relationship...obviously. When he fell in love with me and we were dating...I was l00% happy go lucky, fun, always laughing, handled situations, made things better. Turned his 'bachelor' pad into a home. And 3 months after we got married I gave birth to a 12 year old (nearly 13)...and it hurt like hell. It's totally changed my personality. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm frustrated...I want our old life back. But that's not going to happen. I'm trying to figure out if I can be what he wants me to be and that's a 'motherly figure' to his daughter. I'm not sure I can do it. It's going to cost me so much...a man that I truly adored and knew I'd grow old with. That love is hard to find...but I can't keep going through this. It's aging me beyond my years. I will miss him so bad. I wish we would've waited until she was graduated. If I knew then what I know now...I wouldn't of married him 'then'.
Dealing with a SD on a part-time basis versus 'surprise' fulltime....I wish I only had to see her during summer, Christmas, spring breaks. I can't believe what it's done to our 'perfect' relationship.
I resent her. I can't hardly look at her. I don't talk to her unless she speaks to me. Sorry to go off on my own deal. But you HAVE TO REALIZE this will get worse...a ton worse. Please don't do that to yourself, him or yes, even his SD. Postpone the wedding, at the very least...spend more time with him and his daughter, and see for yourself if it's something you could deal with FULLTIME....because there's a very good chance it will be fulltime during her teen years.
Good luck!
PS If there's anyone out there in the same situation as myself, please tell me how to find that 'thread'...I need to talk more about my situation. Thanks!
I am going through so much of
I am going through so much of this too, we arent married or engaged but we know its a serious, committed relationship. My SO is def a guilty daddy and we were havin some issues which i did bring up a few and we did start to get our communication back, his SD5 is not a terrible kid but when you have a dad that baby's you of course you are going to become a little brat everyonce in awhile. After talking about some things i do notice him trying to change, and i appreciate that a lot but it is so stressful waiting to see if it will get even better or eventually go back to the way things were. i dont hate SD and she absolutely loves me which is amazing (BM is actually not bad either) but her constant attention and lack of disipline and the babying makes me want to bash my head in by the end of two full days and nights with her. I really dont want to have to leave him because of this,but if i cant put up with it any longer or things dont change i will def be rethinking things.
So my question is,how do you explain to them in a way that is not criticizing or making you look desperate and needy or something, about how they are treating their kids like they are their spouses and how its wrong and that you need to be EQUALLY important if not more. I am having problems with trying to explain anything like this to him because i am not a parent and according to him i dont know how it is.
And if explaining all of this to them and it still doesnt change anything...how do you explain why you need to leave without being a terrible person and making it seem like your completely blaming it on the kid
Don't worry about what people
Don't worry about what people think 'short term'. Trust me....if there are issues now, wait until she's a teenager and/or you're married. OMG!! I'm here to tell you, she WILL want to move in with her dad when she's a teenager. Are you ready for that? A happy little home with the 3 of you?
My SD has been with us for 2 years now, and it hasn't gotten easier. Every day there's something I wish could make different, or I wish he'd do different, or I could react differently too, or I wish I could just shrug off. In which they (DH's) or BF's do get it. They pick up on it so fast. I have asked him to share more of what's going on in 'their' world, and I try sooooooooooo hard to keep the same attitude after he does share, and try to remain positive etc. and no matter how hard I try....he picks up on the 'instant' change in my mood. I become a little more quiet, a little distant. I try not too, and it just happens.
When they have the guilty daddy syndrome, from what I can tell, we can't help them, and they can't help us to understand that. Like tonight....SD15 called to ask if my DH would do "X" with her and there were reasons he couldn't. So I'm at the house and I call DH and he's VERY short with me and I truly haven't done anything wrong 'today'. Ha. I've been very laid back, easy going, fun loving BLAGH BLAGH BLAGH. So it wasn't anything I did. But he's short with ME because of an issue he's had with her after school. I guarantee it. But I have no earthly idea how to approach it with him. No matter how I approach it (I've tried about every angle) he will get defensive...I wish someone could answer that question for both of us. How DO YOU approach 'any' topic with a man that has guilty daddy syndrome without pissing him off?
Stay in touch if you want too....I'll help if I can. But if I were you, I know what I'd do....given the last 2 years I've spent here with my new DH. Not AT ALL what I picture my marriage to be. But maybe you're a better person than me....or rather what I've become since SD15 moved in full time. Toughest job on earth. GUARANTEED!!! Anyway...how fast do you run? Ha.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your stories and for the advice, I really appreciate it. I do know that this man is not right for me and I should not be marrying him. What I am trying to do is work up the courage to end the relationship. I agree there is a good chance having SD part time will lead to full time, not only because of the way her dad spoils her rotten but also because her mother is a train wreck. It actually might end up being court-ordered and not a matter of choice. If she were with us full time, I would have no relationship with my fiancé because the way it is now, the only time I am happy is when she is not with us. The weeks we don’t have her are the only thing I am holding onto, because they can be great. As far as how to talk to your man about how he treats the kids, I have not been able to figure that out. I try to talk to him all the time but he doesn’t want to hear it. He thinks I don’t understand because I don’t have my own kids. He promises to work on things but nothing ever changes or gets better. As soon as SD comes back, it’s all about her and I am pushed to the side. I have tried everything. Nothing works. The only options I have now are to stay, and know that I will never be first to him (which is completely opposite of the way I was raised, which is believing the spouse comes first) or to leave. I don’t know what I will tell him.
I relate to all of this. I
I relate to all of this. I have an SD16. My DH eventually has decided that our marriage comes first. To be fair to him I feel that was in his heart all along but he allowed himself to be played by some master manipulators. Pretty scary when a 15 year old is pulling your life apart and doing it deliberately, callously, cruelly and without the slightest remorse to get exactly what she wants, Daddy and a life long free ride just like her Mum has taught her. In the end it is not the fault of these children. They need to own their behaviours but the truth is their parents raised them this way so it is not their fault and it is not your fault.
Thankyou for being so honest. It helps and it heals.
I am winning my battle and that is the one with myself. Accepting is is ok to feel lonely and sad when I was in the worst of it. Forgiving myself for "failing" when in fact now I see I was not failing. I was and still am a really good and decent person with good values who was confronted by a bad situation. My DH and I see a counsellor who is very experienced with blended families. I have learnt a great deal along the way. Please do not blame yourself. Accept that it is ok that you feel horrible and hurt. I loved a book called "Step Monster" by Wednesday Martin and another reader posted an article by a psychologist that I will see if I can find. For me it helped to know lots of other normal good people are on this very difficult step parent journey.
Also I read that there is a 70% failure rate for blended families. You know why because we get tested on all the hard stuff immediately. Chin up. You are becoming stronger and smarter by making decisions and standing up for yourself.
Thank you so much. Yesterday
Thank you so much. Yesterday was our day to get SD back from her mother's. DH knew she was sick throwing up before he even went to get her so of course I was fuming saying she should have stayed at her mother's until she was better, etc. I actually ended up packing a bag and going to stay at my mom's house for the night. DH sent me a text saying he loves me and doesn't want me to go, blah blah blah. Then this morning I woke up and my cell phone had been shut off. Automatically I thought he was mad and had it shut off (it's in his name) but then I realized his phone was off too. Soooo what I figured happened is that when I GAVE him the money to pay the phone bill last month (and he TOLD me he paid it), he did not pay the bill! So again today, I am fuming.
Thank you all again for the
Thank you all again for the advice. I just have to share the incident that happened on Saturday with you. We took SD to the mall to see Santa. We stopped at one of those kiosks with the calendars/planners because I wanted to get a few gifts there. After we walked away, we realized SD (she is almost 4) had stolen a planner. She knew it was wrong because she was hiding it from us. I said she needs to take it back, say she did not pay for it and apologize. My fiance naturally did not agree. He said it was no big deal because it was only $1 (well for one, it was a lot more than $1- we were at the mall, and for two, does it even MATTER how much the item cost???) Needless to say, she did not go back to the kiosk. Not only did he not make her take it back and apologize, he let her keep the planner she stole!!!
Yes and to top it all off,
Yes and to top it all off, when I gave her the "stealing is wrong" speech, she started crying (as she always does whenever someone says something to her that she doesn't like) so my fiance gave her a piece of candy }:)