Lost Between Two Families
I've always believed that every questionable situation, has a solution. But, it would appear that this has been a delusion on my part.
When we first began seeing each other, my Significant Other (SO) expressed a certain lack of desire when it came to having anything to do with my children, who were in their thirties. Her late husband's children had acted as if she did not exist after his death. Made demands on property belonging to her by fact of marriage to their father, and disrespecting her in general.
I assured her that my children would not behave like that, and eventually she agreed to accompany me on a weekend-trip to meet them. She did so with "open arms, open heart and open eyes" ..my children did not meet her expectations for hospitality or interaction. I was confronted with not having stood up to them, stating the facts of our relationship, and focusing their attention.
For me, the visit was a typical family visit. My two kids with their spouses and six 
young grandchildren. None-the-less, I took my SO's criticism to heart and had a talk with my kids. With this action in mind, she invited one of the families to come visit us; and while I thought the adult interation was better, the visit was a disaster as the grandchildren acted out and were "uncontrollable."
I was told, "Your children are dead to me."
So, I let it lie. I took an ocassional weekend and went to visit my kids at their homes. But even this was time was always met with her dispair at not having the weekend to spend with me.
During our second Christmas season, I was hospitalized for a week. I told my kids it was nothing life threatening and that they did not need to come and see me. This became, "They didn't even come to see you when you were in the hospital."
With no contact between either side, except through me, both sides were able to construct negative scenarios regarding the other. My SO overheard a phone conversation in which one of kids expressed concern that I was letting my SO use me. I corrected this statement, but the damage was done, and this statement is often trotted out as a further sign of the disrespect my children have for her.
Last year passed with little face-to-face time with my kids because of other commitments. This "absence" was blamed on my SO, and in a meeting with my children, I explained my own part in the absence, which gave them pause to think.
My children told me they have left "us" alone so as not to cause a problem. They recognize my feelings for my SO and acknowledge that I seem to be happy; and they are happy about that. They also expressed a desire for more of my time, and a desire to normalize their relationship with my SO. I explained to them how my SO felt and outlined the work I thought it would take to make any inroads toward a more normal relationship with her.
After the meeting, they were upset with how I communicated the situation, and were unhappy that all the "work" seemed to be falling to them. They exchanged a communication through a social network which they thought was private, that was not. I saw it immediately, and while no names were mentioned, I communicated my concerns with them immediately. The message was quickly removed.
As the year has passed since then, they have become more positive in their attitudes regarding my SO, and even though she still harbors misgivings, my SO has even agreed that she might be willing to give them another chance "in the right situation."
Last night, my SO was searching for some scanned documents on my computer, and found an email response from one of my children regarding the private/public comments. It was an apology, and like any good email, it quoted me.
Things have never been worse than they are right now. I have no hope of reconciling my SO with my children. I have been acused of heinously lying to my SO; how dare I talk to them about her (my SO). I suspect I bear most of the fault here, but that does not diminish my desire to have my whole family, including my children and my SO's family. I am in the position of having to choose between my SO, and my children.
I do not want to lose either.. any thoughts on how to reapproach this?
You do not have to choose.
You do not have to choose. You can have your kids and your SO. They are the ones making the choices not you. I am sorry for their choices. They need to grow up. All of them. I could see if the kids were teens or tweens. But we are talking about ADULTS. What were you suppose to stand up to them about regarding your relationship? Do they not know something really important? Or is your SO just wanting you to flaunt your lives all over the place? I just am not understanding her judgements I guess. Grandchildren are not your responsibility. BUT if they are out of control then your kids need to correct that especially if its your home. Lay out the law of what is expected on ALL parties. IF these GROWN ADULTS love you they will figure this immature crap out. I am sorry for what you are going through. It honest to God scares me because our kids are still young. IF this is what I have to look forward to Just shoot me now.
Sounds like she's a little
Sounds like she's a little gunshy from her first marriage, understandably, and is projecting that onto your adult children. Of course things have been said by your kids and by you about your SO, that's the dynamic she laid out when she disengaged. I'd ask her to listen to you and explain that just like anyone bitches to a friend or collegue about another friend or collegue (or SO) it is a process we use as human beings to sort through our feelings and try to get things to where everyone feels o.k. about stuff and you feel terrible that she witnessed the process. Sometimes it's just venting and it should be treated as such. Sure, she's hurt you were talking about her behind her back, but she didn't leave you much choice by saying they were dead to her and you were just trying to "resurrect them" so to speak.
Hang in there. It won't be overnight and may be years but if both sides give a little you have a chance (I think).
Any chance your SO would listen to an argument like that? If not, can you go to counseling and have a neutral third party try to help you through this? I know how it feels to hear the horrible things my MIL says about me to my husband and I used to be so angry he wouldn't speak up to her- right up until he did. Now her words don't hurt as much and at some point, I might be willing to be in her presence again. And your kids aren't nearly as hard and my in-laws are!
No matter what you and your
No matter what you and your kids do, your SO will complain.
She sounds like an unhappy old woman who is hell bent on making those around her unhappy. Give up on having one big happy family. You and your kids can't do it alone.
yes you can do something...it
yes you can do something...it is called boundaries.
both sides obviously do not like each other and blame each other for anything wrong, or negative etc..
I think that there comes a time when bridges are burnt and have fallen to ash and cannot be rebuilt. Maybe this is the case, maybe not. one thing for sure is that this so called "family" is so consumed with their nit picking hatred of each other that they have not stopped to think for a second the postition it puts you in.
So i suggest boundaries. They are not to speak of the each other. EVER. ABOUT ANYTHING. Not questions, no snide remarks, no comments, etc... and that means that you cannot speak of them either. BUT you do have to lay down the rule, lay down the boundary.
"hey, we are not going to talk about so and so anymore. I understand you are hurt and angry. I am sorry you feel that way. But i am spending time with you right now and i want to focus on that. When you talk this way about them, it upsets me. it stresses me, it makes me feel bad for ALL who are involved. It makes me feel helpless. I cannot change the minds of them anymore than i can change yours, but what i can change is our topic of conversation. And if the conversation keeps coming back to them, then I am going to have to go______ (in to the other room, out to a movie, home, go see a friend, etc...)"
Stick to your guns, they will know that you are serious and will stop. and if they don't then i guess you keep "leaving" and when they ask why they haven't seen you then tell them, i asked you to stop and you didn't.
In the tone of some of the
In the tone of some of the others I agree that you simply need to keep them apart. This is her third marriage and I believe your second. She apparently feels that you should "cleve unto her" (Isn't that what the Bible says"). Well in this situation it isn't going to work that way.
See your children alone as if she was happy to have you go. All the usual occasions some of which you may have missed in the past. The rest of your time (which I'm sure must amount to 90%+) can be with her.
She will just have to understand that you are not going to ruin your relationship with your children and grandchildren while she works through the bitterness of her previous marriage (which likely will take more years than she has left).
It's possible and my hope would be that once she learns that she must accept your family as they are she may desire to accompany you and you should agree only with a clear understanding that she is to keep her negative feeling completely under wraps.
From what I've read I place 100% of the blame on this situation on her.