Lunch #2 with SS?
So there has been a lot of unnecessary drama with BM in the past week.
http://www.steptalk.org/node/167754
http://www.steptalk.org/node/167534
But, BM is getting a little bit of karma right now. DH used to get paid on Tuesdays so yesterday she called wanting to talk to him about why she didn't get her money and that she was stressed. He refused to talk to her and kept repeating he just wanted to SS. I guess he got to talk to SS but BM tried to talk at the end saying she wasn't done in which he hung up and she then started texting he was in charge of making sure he got her money on time etc. Funny part is he just got a new job and so she will get paid on Friday, but at this point she has no clue, and she got mad his old company cashed out his final days and she didn't get a cut - but in the decree it states that all CS must be processed through his company and the AG's office to avoid any issues. So it is truly out of his hands and we had a nice giggle knowing she is flipping out at it is her main income ($800ish a month from us [he gets paid every 2 weeks] so sometimes it is more, $250 a month for eldest son, she claims she makes $100-$150 a week cleaning houses, lives in HUD housing and gets food stamps) is not on her schedule. My secret hope is she is late on a bill or something and truly sees what it is like to truly know what having to be a grown-up and deal with issues feels like.
Now that I got to share my little giggle to my question I need help with.
I told SS last Friday that I would take him lunch again before DH comes home. Before BM went nuts I told her I suspected I would take him lunch this coming Friday as well - however I fear her showing up or doing something to sabotage it since she is in victim mode not only attacking me but not acting entitled to DH, pawning her SS off again (we found out Monday she has already decided SS will go to a sleep over again - he has not spent a weekend night at her house since before DH left last time), and it is rumored she was crying to SIL about how it isn't fair no one loves her and for SS to see DH and I be happy when she can't find anyone. So, I was highly considering not even doing lunch because who knows how SS is going to act because he is with her and she has had time to fill his head with whatever drama she wants including why she had the police to the house to report me for my "whatever" reply text.
DH has talked me into at least giving it a chance and knowing that if SS is disrespectful or anything I can send him back to eat lunch with his class. I am also big about keeping my word so I figured I should but I only told BM a day not SS so DH mentioned maybe I take him lunch tomorrow (Thursday) to avoid additional intervening by BM, and if she says anything we can say that DH said it was okay and he didn't want to relay the message in fear it would be looked at as me trying to 'communicate' with her and hopefully give her a idea of how ridiculous she is. But, what do I do if SS brings up the cops, or me being mean to his mom....normally if there is a issue DH addresses it directly before I am even around. But like I said in the discussions between DH and I we feel it would be best for me to go ahead and face SS so he knows no matter what I will keep my word, and just to kind of get a feel of what is going to be like when he returns to our house next Thursday.
Any words of advice on handling the worst case scenario for the lunch? Or just the lunch in general I have no clue how he is going to act he was perfect last week, but sometimes especially when he first returns from BM he is not the same kid so with drama happening between lunches I fear the worst.
If going to this kid's school
If going to this kid's school to eat lunch with him is causing this much drama, why do you keep doing it? I don't understand it.
He's clearly being effected by the drama if you're expecting a reaction in his behavior. Let the kid eat lunch with his friends like all the other kids.
It has never caused drama or
It has never caused drama or a reaction before the birthday incident.
I kind of don't understand
I kind of don't understand why you're going to eat lunch with him, either? Maybe I'm missing something but I just don't get it.
Me eating lunch with him did
Me eating lunch with him did not cause the drama - what caused the drama is at lunch he asked if we could get his teacher a gift because it was announced it was her birthday, and then BM got upset. Additionally the teacher sent the thank you card for our household home in SS's folder escalating the drama and upsetting BM even more and her blaming me which I had no control over what the teacher did, and I have said this before the only reason I took something back to the school was SS asked and I honestly didn't think twice it was a innocent gesture on behalf of SS. Up until this point there had been no drama at all regarding me taking him lunch - the birthday issue is what stirred everything up.
I eat lunch with SS because he ask me to every time DH leaves before we get to BM's house to drop him off SS ask me "Are you going to bring me lunch while DH is gone?" It is our time that we have together and he gets to be relaxed other than short trips to the store when DH is home, I normally do it 1-2 times while DH is gone in the 3 week period last time I was there he asked if I would do it again before DH home so I said yes. Also it allows SS a opportunity to see where DH is at (we can track him on AIS) or what he is doing for example right now they are on dry dock making repairs, and SS is like fascinated by DH's job, where he goes and working on stuff so it is a way for DH to show him without the interference of BM possibly not showing him the pictures or talking bad about DH being gone and 'leaving his family' something she still talks about even though they have been long divorced causing a PAS situation.
Only reason I am expecting a reaction this time which I could be over-reacting is because I know that BM has probably been talking about her being upset etc. She has no issue getting kids involved in the drama and playing the victim at one point when DH and I first got together they were text arguing about something and DH got a text that said "My mom said she needed a break from this conversation she is taking a bubble bath" from her eldest son. So, I know she has been talking however I told him I would bring him lunch again and though I am somewhat expecting a reaction I don't want him to think just because there is a issue I'm going to stop keeping my word.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the response!
The plan is for me to do it tomorrow DH and I decided this last night as I don't want her to show up or try to pull a stunt, and there is no way she can know as like I said DH's response to her will be that he didn't think relaying a message would be proper since she asked the police to state we could have no form of "communication"
He really is a good kid - I mean he truly is it's just I know how BM is and have had to deal with her obstacles of leading him towards misguided facts and telling me what his mother said I was etc. He has always ended up warming back up to me especially when DH is home and I don't know for sure but typically DH tells me that he ask where I'm at when he gets in the truck after school the first day DH picks him up before he even really talks to DH about anything.
I am really trying to not let her affect me towards him, I guess I just I try to focus on him and what is best for SS so not knowing what is to come scares me especially since the cop actually went to the house, and so it's hard for me to completely disconnect BM and SS right now.
I guess it is good DH just switched to the 6am-7pm shift rather than nights like he was where he didn't get up until like 1-2pm as lunch is at 10:45 and I will definitely ask what he thinks I should say if confronted but for the most part he just tells me to say what I feel the need as he knows I try to honestly make it about SS and as much as I want to tell him his mom is a low-life, he knows I wouldn't go that route and would probably try to re-direct it to me keeping my word to him regardless of the situation. I will ask DH to be more available during lunch times something I didn't think about as they are doing repairs to the barge but he still has his phone.
DH says he will try to be
DH says he will try to be more available.
I still can't sort BM and SS. I am still nervous and just hope it goes well.
Update: It was a little
Update: It was a little awkward at first as SS was very quiet I asked him what was wrong and said sometimes I was just shy. I asked him why he was shy as we had a wonderful lunch last week he then stated that he was shy because he didn't know what to think about me upsetting BM causing her to cry. I asked why she was cry and he goes "You make my momma cry a lot and she was really really upset that you sent her messages" Excuse me crazy ass but you are the one who sent me a text and I responded "whatever".
Anyways we talked and I didn't go into details with him but told him I was sorry that he had to see his mother upset because of me and that is something he shouldn't have to deal with as he is a child. I also told him what he needs to find important is I kept my word and he has 3 adults who love him very much the scary part was his response "You, daddy and my grandma?" I said "Okay make it four you have your momma too and we would all do anything for you"
He then started to ease up and be the random child I know, and we talked about what he did that day in school and how he is going to a friend's house this weekend. We joked and he was telling me who was old and who wasn't apparently BM is somewhat old, DH is a little old, and I am not old at all mind you that is how the ages go but it did make me feel good he did not consider me old though we did not get the full definition.
By the end of lunch he told me that he missed me. I asked why and he goes "I just miss you and daddy and our house" it melted my heart. He hugged me and even told me he loved me while standing in line with his class.
I think BM will probably cause some issue tonight when she finds out I took him lunch but I really don't care because today showed me that no matter BM's words he knows deep down that I care and we are on the same page that he knows no matter what my focus is him. I think there may be a little tension when he gets back but that is normal so I think I can now separate SS and BM again
Yep like I said I was nervous
Yep like I said I was nervous at first and he was shy - BUT we did get over it...and I don't know if you read the part about the 3 loving people - I think this shows that he even sees that something is wrong with BM and it is just flat out sad.
She also did not contact DH regarding me going however he has been hanging up anytime he answers and it is not SS say "hey daddy". I just hope she continues to understand from this point out all lunches I take will be unannounced. I have played nice for way to long and now she will be shown how much I really did because it will no longer be there ever.