Making progress..BUT hit a road bump... A big one..thoughts, suggestions, Anything...
Ok after I threatened to walk out DH decided to try better with the kids(see old posts) but the 12 yr old is the worst. He spends most of his time playing video games and NEVER leaves the house and always under foot. DH talked to BM and SS12 never has friends over or goes over to anyones house when he's with her either. SS12 will hang out with friends at school but thats where it ends. DH had a talk with SS12 and told him he should get out of the house and go see his friends from school and/or invite them over sometime. Now personally I think its going to take more than just talking to SS to get this in motion. SS has zero social skills, shy, awkward and LAZY.
Now that fact SS is 12 and in 7th grade he's past the age for organized play group at say the YMCA or such. I think he is also to old for BM or DH to call one of the parents of his school friends for a "playdate" or is he? What age do kids go from "playdates" to "hanging out" and start planning it on their own? The last thing SS12 needs is daddy to start calling around trying to get him friends if hes past that age.
So anyone have any suggestions on how to get a middle schooler with zero social skills to make friends outside of school or do things with kids from school?
Completely agree with Evil3.
Completely agree with Evil3. You are now in the territory of paid, scheduled activities that SS doesn't get a say in. Spend some cash on the kid now to develop that personality so you're not paying for him to live with you later when he's an adult. Haha. I'm joking. Kind of.
At 12, if a child has a phone, I personally think it's complete BS that parents should be scheduling play dates. But my experience has been that if I want it scheduled, I have to do it. My OSD13stb14 is in 8th grade at it's only been this very year that she's started to schedule her own activities and it seems to be only when her friends invite her. She can't seem to figure out that she can invite them places, despite us saying things like, "That new movie you wanted to see if out. Why don't you see if any of your friends can go with you to see it on Friday or Saturday?" But if the other kids initiate it, she will at least ask us to go, which is big big progress!
But I think structured, scheduled activities might be better for your SS, just based on what you said. It's difficult for kids who are older and socially underdeveloped to jump right into free play with a friend and play dates aren't as consistent as activities. Yes, it really is more work for you and your H now but it's worth it in the end if it helps SS gain friends and independence.
Agree ADULT LEAD structured, scheduled activities would be best
Yes SS has a cell phone but hardly uses it. SS really needs an adult to lead the way. This is why I'm thinking its going to be so hard now as SS being 12 years old its going to be difficult to find activities BM or DH can join him in without looking odd.
No, no! Don't let BM or Dh
No, no! Don't let BM or Dh join. Oh no no. Very much opposite!
SS needs a drop off activity. Using the example of karate... DH signs SS up for one or two nights a week. Class is an hour-ish. DH takes SS and then LEAVES the building. Goes out to his car, reads a book, watches crap on his phone, whatever. But SS is then practicing some moderate independence, under the supervision of another adult to whom SS in not related, with instruction on how to behave and what to do, in an enclosed environment (I wouldn't do this at a soccer practice at a busy park) but DH is still nearby if there's a problem.
Too much togetherness for SS and DH seem to be part of the issue. They need face space.
I lead Girl Scouts Troops and the girls are terrible, terrible, terrible if their parents stay and participate or watch. Kids just act different around and in front of their parents. Giving young children the opportunity to be "alone" in a very safe and structured way is an absolute gift for kids. It helps them see that they are capable and that they can makes friends, do new things, etc. on their own. Clearly it needs to be age appropriate. And it doesn't have to be done all at once. But at 12, there is zero reason DH and BM need to join SS' activity. That you think they do or should might be indicative of the thinking that got you guys into this situation with your now "stage 5 clinger" in the first place.
My YSD13, almost 14 is like
My YSD13, almost 14 is like this. Refuses to schedule things with friends unless she's on the receiving end. So I don't. Neither does DH who actually agrees with me. We know BM schedules everything for her on her end and we refuse to treat her like she's 7.
And if that means she's with us on Saturday night with nothing to do and we want to watch a movie, she gets to entertain herself.
Of course id she wanted to get together with a friend we would make it happen and she's aware of this!
I agree. And there is no way
I agree. And there is no way in heck I'm scheduling the play date for you. Pick a lane, OSD. Either you are old enough to do all the XYZ and make your own "play dates". Or you are too young to do XYZ and I will go back to scheduling for you.
But like you said, I know some of this is BM's influence. Neither of the skids are allowed to have opinions on the things that are age appropriate, such as what style of clothes they wear (girly or sporty or "surfer style") or how they want their room decorated, and because one of BM's un-medicated mental illness is bipolar disorder, plans and schedules at BM's are made at the drop of the hat and subject to change within minutes of scheduling. I think OSD is just way behind on this portion of her social development because of it.
Honestly, this shouldn't be
Honestly, this shouldn't be your problem, if his parents think this is a problem they should do something about it.. He's on his video game not bugging anyone, (and not interfering with his grades etc.) why not try accepting him for who he is, instead of turning him into what you think he should be. My SD doesn't have friends, but she is an extremely social person, and has suicidal thoughts when she's alone too much, so it gets worrisome. But some people are not social butterflies, it doesn't make them bad or broken people. But, given that, it doesn't mean you should allow poor manners either.
My SD is 9 and this is
My SD is 9 and this is something we are aware is going to become a problem. She doesn't have many friends at school, she gets on with the majority of people (kids and adults alike) but she doesn't regard many as friends. The friends she does have at this stage are rarely able to meet up outside of school since they either have working parents and are enrolled in activities or have split parents with split custody time with neither wanting to give any up for friends.
Here its also a level of changing times. You walk around the parks here, or throughout the local area. You will not see groups of kids hanging out. You will only see older teens 17/18 going to the snooker house.
The only exception in the time I've lived here is when the fun fair is in town. Then you'll see groups age 12 plus, usually with a few parents hanging around. The sad reality is times have changed, its deemed dangerous for kids to go around alone and not many parents are happy regularly having a house ful so the kids just dont bother.
Does anyone go to church? I
Does anyone go to church? I don’t, but SD12 is the exact same way and the only thing anyone can rarely get her to do is the youth stuff at her moms church.
BM started going to church with skids after divorce for sole purpose of cutting DHs weekends short by having to pick them up Sunday for church.
they only attend church every other weekend
lol