This may be too heavy for some....
So.....where to begin.
My husband and I have a blended family. He has two children from a previous marriage (SD,14 and SS,12). I have 1 (BS,8), and we have 1 together (BS,2)....totaling 4. We only have SD and SS every other weekend. I am lucky. His daughter is soooo sweet. SS has autism. He is very low functioning on the spectrum. That said, he is a very good, sweet and loving child. When we first came together as a family it wasn't easy for anyone. It was an adjustment all, but after a lot of work we were able to come together and things were great!
A little background history about me. Unfortunately, as a child I was molested by a special needs boy a couple years older than me who happened to be one of my neighbors. Unfortunately, I have VERY vivid visual memories of my experiences with this neighbor. As much as one ever can, I felt as if I had dealt with this experience was ok.
When I met SS, he was an innocent 9 year old. Now he is an innocent 12 (very close to 13 year old). He is beginning to go through puberty. He he going through what every other boy his age goes through, except for him it is different. He doesn't understand, he can't ask questions and he doesn't comprehend what should be kept private. I don't want to go into detail. I think anyone who has raised a teenage boy will understand what I am trying to convey.
These days when I look at SS, all I can see is my abuser. All the images that I have been trying to forget for so many years just come back. It breaks my heart for so many reasons. SS is an innocent child...he didn't do anything wrong! Unfortunately, my abuser was probably an innocent child as well, who was most likely abused himself. When SS is around, I am completely on edge. I am crabby towards everyone, depressed and not the person/mom/stepmom that I want to be.
I finally broke down to my husband the other day and told him what I have been going through. He is such a wonderful man...he didn't get mad or judge. We haven't had a long conversation about it, but I can tell he is doing his best to be supportive.
Our life is very busy and stressful (as it is with many families with kids). I desperately want to be good to my family and myself. I don't know if this is the right forum for this post, but I thought I would give it a shot.
Somewhere out there, there has to be someone with the same experience. At this point, I would take any words of advice/encouragement.
I would advocate that you
I would advocate that you immediately find a family therapist to help you deal with this. I am not a counseling professional but have benefitted from the help of an amazing therapist while my XW and I were trying to salvage our marriage and after the XW ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 exective sugar daddy.
I left XW far in my past and moved on to an incredible 18+ and still going strong marriage to an amazing woman who is my muse, my inspiration, my best friend and my soul mate.
Your DH is supportive so now take the next step to work with some one who can help you figure this challenge out. As SS is a special needs child you may be able to get some support through the state or an autism support organization. Give it a try.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I believe we all have
I believe we all have memories tucked away in some recess of the brain, both good and bad memories. The bad news, in my belief, is that they never go away completely and there will always be a trigger of some sort. There are a lot of good things we WANT to be triggered to remember, right?
The only suggestion I have is to try and consider him as a regular teenager, oftehtimes, in a lot of ways, special needs kids are no different to others but they are treat differently and, if I dare say this, special needs kids will mess with folks who treat them in a condescending manner. They are not stupid, AT ALL! I have had experience with kids in the autism spectrum and I have observed these things going on.
I found a sense of humor helped me enormously when I was dealing with autistic children and young adults. Just like other teenagers, if they see they are getting a rise out of you they will maintain behaviors...seriously! I have watched various ones having a chuckle about what they just did. One 6 year old threw a tantrum on me and paused his tantrum to see what effect it was having on me, none, zero, he stopped it. I just asked him if he was feeling better now, and took him home.
The reason I am telling you this is because I'd like you to re consider the boy's human needs and education on growing up. I am so sorry you had that experience and it is now haunting you but if at all possible I'd like you to consider him just like you would a regular boy and remind him if he's being innapropriate the same way you would any young boy. I think your husband can make that his department, with regard to education, but you do have to let the boy know his boundaries with you. A hug is a hug, a pat on the back is a pat on the back, well done type stuff. I do understand feeling creeped out, we had a family member who had special needs and a very high sex drive (medicated) and as a child I wondered why I was able to sit on the laps of other male relatives but not this one...later I discovered why! I did get a creepy feeling from this guy but I was not mature enough (like 6 or 7) to grasp what was going on. All I remember is that when I went near him I was distracted by one of my parents or another family member. I cannot even begin to imagine how being abused must feel.
Did you get therapy at the time? Can you recall how that went? Maybe implement some of the things you remember from that and apply them today? I wish you well.
I am so sorry for what you
I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you are currently experiencing.
You need to find a good counselor or Family therapist.
Maybe an autism support group could be a good source of support to you and your family.
Wish you well and send you hugs.