Min wife 13
Hi everyone, I've been reading the forums on here for a while and thought this seems to be a place where people actually get it. Anyway onto the issue
I think my 13 year old SD is a mini wife. When she's here I'm permanently stuck on an arm chair she's very much a daddy's girl (sits on his lap a lot, head rubs, dad sit next to me etc) my partner will ask for my advice on home improvements and before I can even answer she buts in to give her advice. She'll get a cup out the cupboard and there may be the slightest bit of dishwasher salt at the bottom that hasn't been noticed on a rare occasion and she'll go 'ergh that's disgusting' like just wash it in the sink...she'll comment on how I should make dinner. She'll tell her dad not to drink anymore at soical events (my partner is not even a big drinker) she'll ask him to play games and go for walks etc and his families parties. How on earth do you deal with this? As to him she's the apple of his eye but it bugs me so much. Apart from the mini wife side she's actually a really nice girl and I do care about her a lot.
Your SO
Your SO should be dealing with some aspects of this. A 13yo girl shouldn't be sitting on Daddy's lap and he should be discouraging it, "You're too old for this"and repeating as necessary.
The rest of it is just basically annoying and I'm hoping he's handling it, like when she chimes in with a home improvement remark, "Quiet, SD, I talking to Tryingtoblend". Is he aware of how obnoxious this stuff is?
Yes
Why isn't your DH saying something? 13 is far too old to be sitting on Daddy's lap!!!
Comments on making dinner
Comments on making dinner would earn her the privilege of making us dinner.. lol... I would retire to my throne and let cinderella have at it. same for cleaning.. lol.. ohhhh... I will just save it all for when you come.... so you can do it properly.. hehehe
For the sitting on lap thing.. the hanging on.. the taking your seat.. you need to speak up about your space.. "no SD.. I was sitting there". you do have to explain that at 13.. she really doesn't need to be sitting on his lap.. it's creepy.
When she comes in with advice.. you can listen.. consider and then let her know that you and your DH will make the decision.. but thanks for her input.
That is a very good idea
That is a very good idea thank you!
I did find the lap thing weird but last time I wrote on a similar forum I was bashed for it so I thought ok maybe I'm being unreasonable. I think it's almost protection for dad but also dad is a full grown ass man like he's going to meet someone and have an adult relationship with them
Have you been explicit with
Have you been explicit with your husband that a 13 year old teen is displaying inappropriate affection towards him? She is 13 and going through puberty. He needs to explain boundaries, etc. with her and follow through on more appropriate displays of affection. He also needs to explain different types of love he has for different people and stop providing attention when she acts inappropriately for it. This really is on your DH to see and follow through on on ending so there's a healthier relationship between him and his daughter.
Mini wife syndrome
Its definitely a thing. Its about power and attention and so many other things. The enmeshment that is caused by the interactions - its unhealthy for the child and unless your partner actually does something about it, it will continue, get worse and negatively affect her future relationships.
Definitely have a BIG heart to heart discussion with your partner. Emphasize that its in the best interest of his daughter, so as to not get him upset that you are "picking on her" or "always critisizing". Keep it calm and point out specifics. At around 9 or 10, Husband stopped kissing on lips. Co sleeping stopped exactly when I started. She continued co sleeping with Toxic Troll BM however, but now at 16 I think thats done.
It hampers maturity and healthy development. Ive had to do a few things here and there over the years to establish myself as Queen of my castle. But with repetition it has worked. No more squeezing me out.
Over the years Ive heard some stories of how SD23 Feral Forger was actually a mini wife before Id even heard or learned about the term. Husband admitted to me a few months ago (after 8 years!) that when he had booted Toxic Troll (cause cheating) that SD Feral Forger actually seemed happy about it. Supposedly it was because "stress from arguments", but he thinks its actually so she could rule the household. This was at 14-15, before I arrived on the scene. Then its corraborated by SD16 who said she remembers instances of Feral Forger being able to boss their dad around because he was depressed for a time. She treated her youngers sister like a little slave and was really mean until I came around and stood up for kiddo and up to mini wife.
Even Feral Forger will continue to state that "I lost my dad when you came around", meaning she lost her status as mini wife when I came around. Truth be told. Because husband respected my role as his partner. It was my house too. Her statements always were "well I was here first" to which I replied, "well Im here now and your the child Im the adult so you will be respectful".
When SD16 would try to interject, I simply told her "enjoy being a kid, let us worry about that stuff".
So yes, its good to get it early. They need to accept their roles and respect yours.
Good response
Clove, that's a good response with helpful examples.
This is so helpful thank you
This is so helpful thank you so much as horrible as it is I'm SO glad I'm not alone!
Others have taken pictures of
Others have taken pictures of the inappropriate lap thing, facial caressing and whatever else creepy mini wife comes up with. Seeing it sometimes is needed or dads to get it. Guy friends can also point it out.
If he doesn't get it with a
If he doesn't get it with a simple photo or two, try putting the pix on FB (for instance) with a caption along the lines of "isn't this just too cute? " And wait and see the reactions.
Quit playing their bullshit games.
Inform DH that he is married to you and if the mini-wife relational/emotional incest does not end immediately he will be free to marry his failed family progeny after you nail his ass for every penny possible.
His call.
Pull his head out of his failed man, failed father, and failed husband ass or .... stay his mini-wife's daddy husband.
PUt your foot up their asses and take direct action after that accordingly.
For me hubby hadn’t realised the miniwife thing was
Happening.
what i saw was eldest sd who was 23 at the time put into a position of authority by biomum and she thought this meant she got to answer back to me regarding my kids and that she got to make decisions regarding our kids despite only meeting them once
it took my husband 1.5-2 yrs from when sd reinitiated contact with him, for my husband to finally sit her down and tell her that she is his daughter, which means she doesn't get to answer me back, she doesn't get to make executive decisions regarding our kids as i am the stay at home wife and expert when it comes to raising them and hubby told his daughter that he would back me up 100% of the time when it came to the parenting of our 2 minor kids and the disrespect of sd's.
sd replies with sorry if i was rude when she knows she was. I have refused to be at any meet ups or family events sd's will be at because of the disrespect and lack of boundaries. I also don't believe it's appropriate sd's taking pics of my kids and showing this to batshit crazy bio mum and her family etc when they're into black magic and sd's condone their behaviour
i made it very clear to my husband that our kids are off limits. My husband said I don't think sd's would harm our kids, which i called bullshit on.
Thank you for this. At least
Thank you for this. At least your husband said something! I feel my partner is none the wiser my best friend said it boils down to parenting by guilt which I've read a lot online. There's been things where he has shown he will always have their backs first which pisses me off. I understand a child comes first in medical grounds etc if something happened but I'm talking their wants over my wants will come first. I have so many different examples but I want to keep it quite vague in case this is seen by family
Oh my husband finally had to say something because he
Thought i would comply. He thought when i said i wanted nothing to do or be around his daughters that he'd give me a few months to cool down and we'd be ok together.
nothing, absolutely nothing about their behaviour has changed. The copout excuse hubby gives for their non contact or inability to mend lack of relationships with us is we have been overseas. If we matter, if our relationship matters you'd call or videocall but eldest sd default answer for everything is she's busy.
my husband claimed they loved us but when i called out hubbys lies on that because eldest sd called him one day blaming us for why she has no relationship with daddy and that he married me and had 2 young kids with me to replace them, hubby went silent. Sd's already ended contact with their dad 1 yr before i even met him but they blame us for their intolerable behaviour
it basically came down to in the limited free time hubby has, he doesn't wanna be shuffling between 2 households (our inclusive family relationship) vs sd's non existent fake relationship.
hubby realised because of their disrespect and lack of boundaries, we didn't want our family time and holidays ruined by them
anytime i was at outings or family events, sd's dressed in black like in mourning. I'm not there, they dress in colour. They're not goths, they're just playing a manipulative game that i have no interest participating in
a stepmum here posted years ago that you basically have to make it such a way that your husband fears upsetting you more than skids. Thats when change starts to happen
This makes complete scene.
This makes complete scene. The issue I have is my partner is so stubborn and I'm not but maybe I need to learn to play the stubborn game a little bit now because I can't deal with being treated like shit! X
IMO men are simple creatures.
IMO men are simple creatures. They hate conflict, change, cleaning, being the bad cop. They like/live sex. They will do things they hate for the thing they like. Every time mini wife acts up, you turn away from him. Every time he defends mini wife you turn away from him. How on earth can you find him attractive when his attention is elsewhere? You are NOT his mistress and should not expect to be treated as such.
True and i know my husband says he destresses with sex
If his kids are causing issues and he refuses to address them or protect us from them, our intimacy suffers and there is no mood or attraction for sex.
he's motivated to address these issues and make his stance clear to his kids that they're on their own.
my husband has told his eldest daughter years ago that her own admission is her mum abandoned them. She is now sabotaging a relationship with me and our kids out of petty crap. She needs to understand when hubby is no longer around, she will have no family and will be on her own and it doesn't have to be this way. She just made a decision to be this way.
almost 4 yrs on, nothing has changed
I resemble that remark. I am a man, and yes, we are simple.
However, as much of a motivator as sex is, it is not my love and relationship currency.
When I was younger, i detested housework and would pretty much not do it. I detested yard work, though i would do that. As I have matured, I will readily initiate house cleaning, cooking, etc, though I refuse to do anything yard related. I have an entire fleet of yard equeipment in my pocket. All it takes is to hit a button and all of that equipment magically goes to work and the yard looks great.
An evolving epiphany over the years that used to be one of those things that drove nuts and make me go huh?, was when DH would join me on the sofa, or in our bedroom immediatley after leaving the kitchen and ask me to get her a drink. Really? As I gained clarity, she wanted to be with me and wanted an action that demonstratred that her comfort was important to me.
These days, 28 years, three continents, 5 States, several companies, a raised incredible young man, and many adventures later. It does not bother me a bit for her to ask me to prepare her a drink, cook and serve dinner, clean the kitchen, do the dishes, etc... We are both gainfully employed reasonably successful professionals, and we partner on most things just about seamlessly. The only fights we have ever really had are 1. The SpermClan (no longer an issue after SS-30 aged out from under the CO 12+ years ago) 2. Housework, no longer an issue. I just do it usually before I am asked. 3. Excapes me at the moment. It has been long enough that it is no longer a forefront of my mind event.
I want low drama. I want adventurous partnership with my bride. I want enjoyable interface with my family, my ILs, our kid, and our friends. I do not deep dive mentally on things that are not solvable or on why people do what they do.
My bride on the otherhand, is very engaged on the why of just about everything, and highly entertwined with personal connections in her very broad care pool of people.
My care pool is comparatively very small. My wife, my kid, my parents, my brother and his family, my ILs, and a few friends. The next ring is thinner. Coworkers and customers. If they are low drama, they take up nearly zero space in my head. If they are hight drama, they take up less space though their behaviors are urgent topics for me to address. Once the behavior is mitigated. My give a shit goes away... until next time.
As for sex. Yes please. DW and I are cyclical though always intensly connected from an intimacy perspective. Some times it is game on just about all of the time that we are appropriately in proximity to each other. Others... we are tender but not passionate. Neither of us has a tendency to use intimacy as an incentive nor does either of us use withholding intimacy as a punshiment. We make each other and our marriage our priority, anyone else, and everythign else is not our priority. When he was a kid, SS was our top responsibility, now.... we pick and choose our top responsibilities together.
Just my simple man brain at work.
Regards,
Rags