minor but still annoying
This irritates me and I know it's silly but I was looking for some suggestions anyway. My BF calls me honey or babe and that's fine except when SD is there he calls her by the same names. He'll say "honey, what are you doing?" I'll answer and he'll say "I was talking to SD" or she'll answer and he'll say "I was talking to Dawn". It does irritate me that there seems to be no distinction between us. At Christmas time he signed a card with "Tim and family", I questioned why he didn't put "Tim, Dawn and family" and he said that SD would have felt left out. She already thinks she's running the house so it's time she was put in her place is what I think. I told him to just stick to calling me by my real name from now on because I feel it's a bit sick that he calls SD the same names.
I see your point
I truly do see why the name thing would bother you, but IMHO, I do think it's minor. I call Dh, SS, and bioboys by the same petnames sometimes. I've given them each their own, but I still find myself using them interchangably. I love all 4 of them and the names are terms of endearment.
From your last post, it sounds to me like you are having trouble with control or lack thereof. Believe me, I'm right there with you. It's the hardest thing for me with being a stepparent. It seems to me like you just want control over your life, marriage, family, and household again. Everything is going to bother you when you're lacking that. I wish I had some advice for you. If I knew of a sure fire way to get that control back, I'd be doing it myself. If you find a miracle solution, let me know.
Same thing happens here....
Dawn, I understand completely. I hate it that DH calls his daughter the same pet name..."darling"...AGH but I too don't let that disturb me anymore...BUT, for me the crux is the other thing you mentioned...MY DH has to stop allowing the kids to dictate how he behaves in respect to me. He is a remarried man now..and I'm sorry if mommy and daddy are no longer married...but this is life. The card should read, Dad, Dawn and family.....You two are head of the household unit in your house....they don't have to like it or like you, but they have to respect you and your position in your dads life. Dh has to realize that also. I told hubby if he makes me feel as if he is throwing me under the bus again when it comes to how he handles his kids and me, it's over.
I hear you and agree!
I'm with them on the card comment - He should never have put "Tim and Family". He lumped you in with the kids. I would have been really mad. It should say Tim, Dawn and Kids, Tim, Dawn and Family, or Tim, Dawn, and spell all of the kids out. My first thought was that he just didn't want to deal with any potential fall out from his daughter. Don't let this happen next year.
As with the pet names, he calls me and his daughter "hon". We had the same problems answering over each other, or both saying "what?" Its resolved itself for the most part, but occasionally it happens and I do get annoyed. I really dislike though that he calls his daughter "babe" occasionally. It just sounds wrong to me. Whenever she calls the house when she is with her mother he always calls her "girl" - as in "what's up girl"... one day I called the house and she and his family were all there, and he said to me " what's up girl". I said, uh, I"m not your girl. I'm your wife. I don't think he'll make that mistake again.
Three little girls, one old girl
Okay, there are four females in our family... my two stepdaughters, our one biological daughter and me, the Mrs. My husband calls me all the usual stuff, like babe, baby, honey, sweetheart, darling, etc. Our littlest girl, who is four, also gets baby, honey, darlin' girl, sweetie, etc. The older girls got that, too, when they were smaller, but now that they are teenagers, he comes up with some silly names. Me, I call all the kids, boys and girls alike, honey or sweetie, sweetheart, babe, whatever. With five kids, sometimes you just don't get the right name on the first try!
Incidentally, my MIL still calls my husband honey and she calls me that, too! I think it's sweet and it makes me feel loved and accepted. Now, my ex-MIL always called my ex-husband baby and it was very definitely about sending the message that he would always be HERS... HER baby. I always caught a competition vibe coming from her. (Notice she is now my EX-MIL and he is now my EX-husband.)
It never bothers me and I don't think there's anything sick about it in our case, but I've never felt like there was any of that competition dynamic going on between me and the girls, either. I think if you're in a situation where you have trouble with a daughter trying to compete with the wife for the role of Most Significant Female in Dad's Life, then that's where you have a problem. The problem isn't with the sweet little pet names, it's with how that's interpreted by the child and whether or not she uses that to portray herself as having equal standing as the wife. That's the problem that has to be addressed. The pet names are just one minor symptom of an even bigger problem and it probably wouldn't bother you so much if everyone were sticking on their side of the boundary lines. But how you fix that problem when he doesn't recognize that there is a problem, I have no idea. I'm not sure there's a graceful way to clue him in.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Thanks Anne
I always enjoy reading your posts. You have made me realize that the problem is not the names he calls us it's the fact that he even would allow her to compete for the role of "most significant female". I'll mention that to him, he does read posts here sometimes and maybe that will help him understand the problem.