Obviously your ex wife has sided with her husband, there's really not much you can do. I wouldn't be estranged from one of my teenagers over some coins, but that's just me. Maybe suggest to your ex wife to get to the bottom of the missing coins? I would rip my house apart , kids rooms included, if something expensive went missing.

Polygraph the whole lot.
Mom, husband, skids and BD. They can throw accusations and believe what they want, there doesn't seem to be any proof of guilt.

I am concerned that a Mom would go to the extreme of not allowing her child in her home on the basis of an allegation. I also find it concerning that a 14 year old has the power to decide she doesnt want to stay with her mother - who gives a child this much power?

A mature sit down may be required to resolve this. You may want to reach out to ex and her husband to get the ball rolling. The 14 year needs an attitude adjustment as well. Defiance? She can adopt that when she is self-supporting.

Anger, defiance and poor behavior on the part of a teen SD/BD does NOT mean that she's a thief. She may just be a jerk, or she may be an angry child who is resentful of her family dynamic --- take your pick.

Do ex-DW/SF give valid reasons for believing that BD/SD is the one who stole from them? Drug/alcohol issues ... arrests ... pawn slips? Last year, one of my more "challenging" students gave me 3 gold Krugerrand coins because he liked me and wanted to say "thanks." I called the parents and turns out the boy (13) raided his father's coin collection to give gifts to a number of people.

If there is actual proof, then you and your BD need to march down to the local cop show and straighten this out. Kids screw-up, but young adults learn to be accountable. It will be tricky and tough, but will help her to become a stronger person in the long run.

If there is no proof, merely their perceptions ... you're in a tough spot. Just because "everyone knew SF had lots of coins" doesn't mean much. There are too many people who may have had access to that coin collection --- visitors, friends, children. There is an equal chance that one of the adults in the household has used the coins to fund a secret addiction/affair, etc.

I'm assuming since the theft was significant, ex=DW/SF made a police report & filed with insurance. What has come of that case?

It does sound as if there is a strong undercurrent of other issues. Have you taken BD to a counselor?

My dad used to hide cash around the house for emergencies. One day one of his stashes disappeared and I was blamed. I'd had no idea there was cash under a houseplant. There was a huge argument. About 6 months later another stash came up missing and I was stunned that my dad still left money around the house if he thought I was stealing. Only 2 people knew about the money, my dad and stepmom. He believed her that she didn't take it and I am still angry over it. I don't believe my dad stole his own money and I know I didn't take it. I don't trust my stepmom to this day with anything- secrets, my stuff, family news, my kids' welfare.

If your daughter didn't take the coins, this is some serious undermining of her trust in authority figures.

I've kept a tip jar on the bar for a long time. I'd drop in a couple bucks here, a few there. Very few coins, but only silver coins.

The SKids take things all the time without asking.

One day recently, I saw the jar had NO paper money in it.

DW said SS admitted to taking "Two dollars, but that's all." I told her I don't believe her.

Now I'm back to not having a tip jar out, which was, IMO, a GREAT way to test loyalty.

Now that I know? Well...

I see this issue two ways...either you are a Disney dad who is defending his daughter that he knows has issues and refuses to address, or there are bigger issues here that you are not addressing and it's not just about lost coins.

If it's the first option and you know your kid does things like this, enabling her won't help her later on in life.

If it's the second option then you need to sit down with your daughter and address the bigger issues and start dealing with them.

The DD is defiant, has behavior problems, and refuses to face one of her parents. She has anger issues that need to be addressed. And she is not old enough to call the shots. She is being empowered to not be held accountable for her behavior. This will lead to even more entitlement. Her BM is in a better position to judge the circumstances surrounding the theft and the motives of all involved. BMs are usually highly protective of their offspring. She must have some reasons for suspecting DD. You are undermining BM.

Killjoy has anger issues that started long before I came into the picture. She has been in counseling since shortly after I came along. She blows smoke up the counsellor's ass and refuses to address her significant mental issues. Sexually abusing my GD, habitual tantrums, sneaky defiance, passive aggressive snarkiness, constant lying, and chronic thieving are manifestations of the anger she refuses to deal with. Killjoy does these heinous things and then pulls the innocent lamb routine, she pulls a pouty face, looks DH right in the eye, and lies her ass off. DH believed her at first and was floored when he found out she did it all. Killjoy's counselor is too lazy to challenge her, and DH has enabled her for far too long. It is most likely too late for her, and in any case, I am so traumatized by her that even if she got a personality transplant, I still would not be able to stand her FACE.

Look it up online: impotent anger is often a motive for thieving and all kinds of other deviant behavior. This is how antisocial personality starts. Don't enable your DD, or she will get worse.

Here's the thing, your daughter's relationship with her mother isn't yours to manage. It is up to the 2 of them to navigate this issue and they may not do that in the manner that you choose. If either of them come to you for advice on how to proceed, you can certainly give it. And, you can certainly speak to your daughter about the way her past behavior has caused others to doubt her in this instance.

I'm pretty sure none of us here would be thrilled with a BM telling us that we were expected to handle our household according to their wishes so I can't imagine your input being well-received by your ex or her husband if they haven't asked for it.

Have you searched your house for the coins? New/expensive items that you didn't purchase and don't believe your ex would purchase? Did you daughter hang out with friends more and not ask for money? Teens can be sneaky, but their sneak is usually short-sighted. If you can find ANY signs that might implicate your daughter, you need to follow them. If your DD were smart and took the coins, she would have stashed them at your house until she could get them paid out.

Now, assuming you have done this and there is no proof at all that she took them, you're still dealing with a very angry and very hurt teenager. Patting her on the back and telling her that it's not her fault isn't going to help in the long. All it does is reinforce that she is the victim and her mother is a horrible person. You have to stop bringing it up and pushing the issue, while also holding her accountable for her actions. If you know you have blinders, start working to break those down.