My Ego Is Hurting
Hey Fellow Steppers,
I'm more of a lurker than a poster but I just need to put my feelings out there.
My ego is hurt. The reason I say that is because nothing is really wrong it's just my ego.
I have a daughter with DH and two step kids. I work full time as a bookkeeper and I go to school full time. Going back to school has really made me feel more confident because I know that I'm smart and capable. I forgot that over the past seven years dealing with the stresses of being a second wife/ stepmom. Overall though I feel like my life is pretty descent. However, yesterday a tiny thing has set me into the stepmom "Jesus take the wheel" spiral and I need to dig myself out of it.
My fridge stopped working so my mother MIL offered to stay at our apartment to let the repair man in yesterday. When I got home she informed us of how it went and then I noticed it. My kitchen sink was sparkling. I mean I have never seen it look so good. Like some next level Pinterest hack stuff.
I know I should be grateful but I can't help feeling like a failure. I am not a very organized person but I have taken drastic measures to change that. My family has a chore chart and every day I come home after working 8:30 am - 4:30 pm and then school from 5:45 pm to 9 pm and clean. I felt good when I left the house yesterday morning like my house looks great for a Thursday. Plus because my MIL is such a neat freak I really wanted her to be pleased, but the kitchen sink reminded me that I was still failing.
So what did I do to top it off. I checked my husbands ex wife's Instagram page. There she was with her new Louis Vuitton bag, looking amazing and enjoying her vacation. When she's done with her vacation she will be coming home to her job as a homemaker and part time student. After I enrolled in school, so did she. I on the other hand had to go to work the next day to the company that owns her apartment building and work on a letter letting her know that she owes $4,666.00 in back rent. The person who owns the building is my MIL friend that how she got the apartment and I got this job. So, even though she owes rent there have been no legal consequences. I haven't even told my husband because he gives her $800.00 a month, and pays an additional $300.00 for the step kids insurance. She's constantly telling him it's not enough. Yet she has a new car, our car died last August and we have been without. She has a closet full of designer threads. I have Forever 21 and I'm busting my ass.
I don't want or need designer things and I know it is not my business how she spends her money. In fact, I shouldn't have looked on her Instagram. Nor should I even care about the stupid sink. I'm sure my MIL really thought she was helping. She even asked If I was mad but she was so sweet that all I said was "Of course not" and gave her a hug.
My DD is taken care of, my husband adores me, I have a job that helps me pay for school, my current GPA is 3.6 and yet I'm in tears. I just feel so trapped. Like no matter what I will never be ahead.
It may be a good idea if you
It may be a good idea if you simply decide to stop competing with everyone else...and just love yourself. I know, I did this for years, trying to live up to MIL expectations and wealthy SILs, and you know what? When it came to the crunch, no matter how good a wife and mother, how educated, or how accomplished I was, they still criticiised, triangulated, and generally threw me under the bus every chance they got.
I now live far away from all of them. Feels like a huge burden off my shoulders. I just packed up,and left after 29 years of bad treatment.
Think of the detail this way. You have an exceptionally clean kitchen sink. Bonus. You have a ex/BM who is about to find her lifestyle cramped if the debt collection folks go after. Bonus. Your relationship is intact and your child is provided for. Bonus. And you are one smart lady. I would say it's time to,start practising gratitude and to H** with the rest of 'em. Start doing what you do to please yourself, and not for anyone's approval.
When I was 18, I started my
When I was 18, I started my career and put everything into it. I worked 12 hour days, on the weekends, whenever I could to get promotion after promotion - raise after raise. I did that up until I got married last year. I eventually turned into one of those people, someone who bought louboutins and all the nicest decor for my home and kept it clean as possible despite working 12 hour days. Once I got married, I slowed down a bit and focused on my relationship... spent more time with my partner and stepdaughter, eventually got pregnant (25 weeks today!) and since then I've been working 8 hour days and (GASP) taking my vacation time!
I've spent more time with family and friends in the past 6 months than I did working my butt off 4 years straight. Those louboutins I bought? They sit in my closet. I think I've worn them 3 times lol. I'm too busy enjoying life. I haven't got praise at work in a long time but it's okay, because I've got a life and I'm finally living it. My house gets messy because once I'm done work, I'm off to the beach or visiting family out of town. It's lovely. I'm happier than I've ever been!
You mention that your DD is taken care of, your husband adores you, and you're doing great in school... That sounds like plenty to be happy about and proud of! Sometimes, looking from an outside perspective, people can look like they've got it all but I'll tell ya, that's a lot more than a lot of people swimming in designer items and fancy houses have <3
Haha yeah we do! I do the
Haha yeah we do! I do the same thing at my daughter's house. I know they're super busy with 2 jobs, 2 kids, and a house. If I can give the stove a good cleaning while I'm there I figure it will give them a break.
If MIL is a kind person, she is probably just trying to help out.
Simply buy MIL a bunch of
Simply buy MIL a bunch of flowers for saying thank you... and ask her how did she get the zink so nice and sparkly...
She's not telling you you are failure, she was simply bored waiting for the repair man to finish his job, who knows, maybe it's something silly and easy to fit into your schedule, but believe me she was not telling you you are a failure..
and with the flowers and the question how - she will feel very much appreciated